Surviving Regret (24 page)

I haven’t told him in a long time that I loved them and actually felt the emotion behind it. “I love you too, Dad.”

Later that night Macy and I are lying on the sand near the fire pit trying not to freeze our asses off. I tried talking her into going inside with everyone else but she wasn’t feeling it.

“It was pretty cool having the bonfire and sharing memories of Steven,” I say into Macy’s neck trying to keep my nose warm.

“Yeah, it was. I think it was good for all of us.”

“Yeah, it was.”

Macy’s eyes look like diamonds against the flames of the fire. In a way she’s my flame and I’ll always gravitate toward her. She’s the sun after the rain but she doesn’t get that with me.

She reaches over and places a hand on my arm. “What are you thinking about?”

I waggle my eyebrows, “The hammock. Want to give it another try? See if we still have it?”

Macy rolls her eyes, “I know I’ve still got it but I don’t think you can hang.”

“Ahh, you got jokes I see.”

She winks.

I roll onto my back staring up to the sky. It’s a clear, cold night with the stars shining brightly. That one star, my Macy when she’s not around, shining the brightest, encouraging me to be honest and open up. “I didn’t treat you right, Macy, not the way I should have.” She’s quiet letting me say what I need to get off my chest. “I took your love for granted. When you gave me your virginity our sophomore year I didn’t realize then what you were sharing with me.” I huff, disgusted with myself. “I should have loved you more but I didn’t take the time. I didn’t realize what was right in front of me.”

Macy crawls over and lies against my side. She reaches over to hold my hand.

“See,” I try to smile but fail. “I should have done that. I feel like… I’m not good enough for you.” My throat feels tight with emotion.

I can feel Macy’s eyes on me, but I continue staring up at the brightest star in the sky hiding my emotions from her. “Landon, you are. This is you, always has been, and I love you with your flaws and all. If I didn’t, trust me, I wouldn’t be here.” Macy squeezes my hand. “I’ve been holding on hoping that one day you’d see me again. You’d come back to me.”

It’s quiet for a while. So many feelings running through me. I’ve shut down the last few years, temporarily numbing the pain away, but now that I’m back I’m not sure how to process with them. “My shining star,” I whisper. “You’re always there shining the brightest out of all the millions of stars in the sky.” I sigh heavily knowing this conversation is getting deep. “Even when the clouds roll in threatening to dull your light you’re still the brightest of them all. You’re always letting me know that you are there no matter how dark it gets.”

It’s so quiet out here, the only sounds that can be heard is our breathing. I turn my head to the side glancing at Macy. Her eyes glassing over. “Landon,” the corner of her lip curves into a half smile. “I’m about all out of tears. I’m crumbling and for once I need you.” She takes a shuttering breath. “I. Need. You.”

Rolling over I kiss her with no hesitation. “I’m here, babe.”

I rest my forehead against hers. “I love you, Landon.”

With those words all the fight leaves me, I am no longer angry. I am nothing without Macy in my life and it’s taken passing through the gates of Hell to get to this point for me. “I love you too.” And I mean those three words from the bottom of my heart, always have, always will.

I lie back and Macy lays her head on my chest. I run my hands through her hair comforting her like I have in the past. We’re quiet for some time letting everything soak in.

“Are we okay?” I ask. I need to hear the actual word, I don’t want to guess.

She sighs, “We’re always okay.”

“Well, that’s a problem.”

“I’m just thankful I still have you. All the other shit can be worked out.”

Macy and I fall asleep out on the hammock. We never find out if we still have the connection we’ve always had but I know we still do. Tonight wasn’t about that anyway. It’s about us finding our way back to each other. It’s about making sure she knows she’s still my shining star.

Chapter Ten

December 10, 2013

Macy

I loved waking up this morning listening to the waves crash onto the shore, but most of all finding myself in Landon’s arms. I got up early this morning so I decide to cook everyone breakfast. I can’t pass up the chance to use the kitchen again. I cook pancakes, French toast, eggs, bacon, sausage, and toast. One by one everyone comes into the kitchen having smelled the breakfast I’ve cooked. No one really talks since we are all stuffing our faces with the food that I’ve cooked but that’s okay. It’s not an unbearable silence but a comfortable one, a content one.

Once Alexa and Landon clean up the kitchen Alexa turns toward all of us sitting around the table. “Wanna go take a walk on the beach?”

I nod while glancing around the table looking for answers from everyone else.

“Let’s go,” Landon says tossing a towel on the counter.

We’re all walking down on the beach. The sun is shining but it’s still really cold. Cash and I have fallen back behind the rest of them.

Cash bumps into my shoulder. “You’re gonna do it, right?”

I don’t answer him because I don’t know. I don’t know if I can sing in front of thousands of people even if it is for all of us in one way or another.

“I’ll talk to coach when we get back.”

I glance over at Cash, “I never said I’m going to do it.”

Cash smiles, “But you never said you weren’t.”

I walk away without another word. He knows I’m going to do it. I’m doing it for all of us. And most of all, I’m doing it for Steven because he would have loved it.

December 14, 2013

After my first final, Will and I walk out together. I asked if he’d like to go to lunch. The look on his face told me I might be leading him on but I need to let him down as gently as possible. I still want to be friends with him but nothing more.

We grab our lunches and take a seat at one of the empty tables. I tap my straw on the table pushing the paper back on it. I stick it in my cup and take a sip.

Will is watching my every move. He reminds me of a skittish cat. He goes to take a bite out of his sandwich and it just falls into his lap. It’s like the thing weighs a ton and he couldn’t hold it up anymore. I laugh because I can’t help it.

“Damn,” Will mutters. He stands and brushes the lettuce and tomato off his pants. The mayo from his sandwich just so happens to land right on his crotch. It just makes the whole situation funnier. I can’t even raise my hand to give him a napkin because I’m laughing so hard.

Finally, after five minutes of continuous laughing I calm down enough to hand Will my extra napkins.

I wipe under my eyes. “You okay?”

Will looks my direction and smiles. “I love hearing your laugh.”

I blush and look away. This is going to be a harder let down then I realized.

Will sits and tries his soda and I can see he’s holding it pretty tight since his fingertips are white. “So,” he starts as I look past his shoulder. “How did you do on the final?”

I take a deep breath. The longer I wait the harder it’s going to be. “Will,” I clear my throat. “I didn’t bring you to lunch to talk about finals.”

“Uh-huh,” he says like he already knows what I’m about to say.

“I’m just going to come out and say it. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I need to make sure we’re on the same page.” I take a deep breath again. “We can only be friends, Will. It’s all I can offer. I know we shared that lap dance and it was…good and all, but that’s where it has to stop. It can’t happen again. And I’m sorry about your glasses too.”

I brace myself not knowing where this is going to go.

Will takes another sip of his soda before setting it down. “I understand. I figured after that awkward dance that we were better off as friends. Honestly.”

I sigh in relief. I decide to joke around and keep the mood light with us. “You know you like my moves,” I say, laughing.

He throws his napkin at me. “Yeah, you’re right. I think we should try again.”

This time I throw the napkin back at Will and groan. “Will.”

He holds his hands up in surrender. “Just kidding,” he smirks. “Thanks for talking to me about this though and not just avoiding me. I understand that your heart belongs to Landon.

“My girl gave you a lap dance?” Landon says scaring the shit out of the both of us.

Will’s eyes are as big as saucers. He’s looking all around until Landon steps out from behind him with a smirk of his own on his gorgeous face.

“I…uh…” Will stammers.

Landon puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “Relax, man.” Will doesn’t. “Just keep your hands off my girl from this point on and we’ll be okay. Got it?”

I thought Landon would be pissed if he found out about the lap dance. I mean it wouldn’t have been right. His lips have touched their fair share of half the girls here on campus.

Will nods.

The rest of lunch went well. Landon and Will were actually joking around with each other by the end of it.

I’m glad that’s over with.

***

Landon and I are hanging out in my room after our last class of the day. He’s got his head in my lap and I’m running my hands through his hair.

Landon is restless. “I’ve got something I need to talk to you about.”

I nod and keep running my hands in his hair. “I’m definitely suspended and I have to attend drug and alcohol classes. It’s mandatory.”

Deep down I knew this would happen. Landon has been struggling for so long it was only a matter of time before he cracked.

“I also lost my scholarship. I know I should have told you before but the timing was off.”

That got my attention. “You should have known that was going to happen.” I should have known too but hearing him say it makes it real.

“I did.”

“What are you going to do?”

Landon sits up and turns toward me. “Dad is paying so I can keep going to school and pray I can get back on the team.”

My eyebrows go up in surprise. Landon’s parents were always a little hard on him but they did it to push him, to make him a better person. “He is? Is he pissed off?”

Landon sighs loudly. “Yeah, he was but he said he wasn’t going to let my talent go to waste. He was going to appeal it and see what happens.”

***

Later that night I run into Madison. We walk to the nearby coffee shop and grab a cup of coffee. Things are still a little strained between us but it’s getting better. I haven’t completely let her in and in this moment I need my sister, so I try. I just pray she doesn’t throw it back in my face.

“So,” I run my fingertip around the lid of my cup. “I think I might be pregnant.”

Shock registers across her face and then it’s gone. It is a shock. No one would suspect it would be me who would get pregnant. I’m the one who always thinks things through.

“Did you take a test?”

I shake my head. “No, not yet but I will in a few days. I want to give it just a little more time because it started but it was really light and then stopped.” I take a sip of my coffee. “Maybe I’m just stressed out and it’s messing with me.” I wish it were true but I’m not so sure.

Madison watches me for a few moments. “Well, if you want I’ll go with you.”

I smile letting her know that her offer means a lot to me. “No, I just want to wait just a little bit longer.” I should have taken a test weeks ago but I’m not ready to face reality just yet. I need to ignore it as long as possible. I’m selfish because I know if I am I need to be seeing a doctor but I just can’t yet.

She nods. “I’ll be here, Macy, when you’re ready.”

Madison and I finish our coffee and we talk about what we’re going to be doing for Christmas. I’m leaving in the morning to go home. It’s not something I want to do right now, not with my sister, Landon, and Cash staying behind but I promised Alexa I would come home early to spend some time with her. The three of them will be home in the next few days.

Chapter Eleven

December 27, 2013

Landon

My drug and alcohol classes are set with a little help from my dad. He made a few calls and set everything up for me. It was one last thing on my plate that I didn’t have to worry about. I’ll start them about the same time classes start back up. The season will be over so life will be a little less crazy. He’s also started my appeal. I’m not sure if it’ll do any good but it’s worth a shot.

I feel like shit that I’ve let so many people in my life down, myself included. If this appeal goes through it will be the best thing for me. It will me my little sliver of hope again at making it in life and not being a fuck up.

The morning Macy left campus for winter break she stopped at my door after I sent her a text asking her to.

Macy knocked before she pushed my bedroom door open. She stepped in and shut it behind her. When she looked over at me her eyes go directly to the whiskey and weed that’s sitting next to me on the bed.

“It’s not what it looks like.” I defended myself.

She nodded and came to stand in front of me. I pulled her down onto my lap. “I need you for this part.”

She wrapped her arms around me. “Whatever you need.”

I looked toward the bathroom and nodded. I didn’t have to say that I wanted to dump it all because she stood up and grabbed the stuff and walked into my bathroom.

She put everything in the sink and leaned on the door near the toilet. “You have to do it, Landon.”

She was right. I had to be the one to do it.

I started with the whiskey first. I unscrewed the lid and poured it in the toilet and watched as every ounce emptied out. I flushed it and then grabbed the baggy of weed. I opened it and tossed the weed in the toilet next. I stopped with my hand on the handle. I looked over to Macy. “I’m sorry I chose this over you, Macy.”