Surviving Regret (26 page)

“Is that what you do?”

“Yup, when I’m on the field all I see is the field, the ball, the player, and the end zone.”

I take a step back and try to steel my nerves. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

Cash leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. “Good luck.”

He leaves and Coach comes in minutes later. “Show time, little lady.”

I smile and follow behind him. He ushers me out to the fifty-yard line where there is a microphone waiting for me. I get about halfway there when the announcer shouts my arrival and the crowd cheers.

I look around, taking it all in. I hear Cash in the back of my mind. “Find that one thing.” My eyes land on Landon, my darkness, my forever. He’s reading the note that I had Madison give him. He unfolds it, reads it, and looks up. His mouth is hanging open and I smile.

I take a deep breath and pour my heart and soul into the national anthem. I start out a little shaky until I let everything fade away and it’s just Landon and me in the stadium. I hit every note and I remember every word. One of my biggest fears was forgetting the words. I belt out the last words and the crowd goes crazy. My performance isn’t perfect but it was pretty damn good.

When I’m finished I turn the mic off and before I step foot off the field Landon has his arms wrapped around me swinging me around.

“I can’t believe you did that, babe,” Landon says into my ear since it’s so loud with the bustle of the game starting. He sets me down and pulls me off the field and down toward the locker room.

When he shuts the door he turns toward me with a smirk on his face. “How did you even pull that off?”

I shrug. “I’ve got connections.”

Landon cocks an eyebrow. “Connections?”

I nod and he stalks forward coming to me. I back up until I’m backed against the door. Landon cups my face and kisses me. I sigh as our lips meet and then I moan as his tongue sweeps against mine. Without breaking the kiss Landon reaches down and grabs the back of my thigh hiking me up against the door. I wrap my arms and legs around him. Landon’s hands are gripping my hips as he continues kissing me.

I break the kiss needing to come up for air. Landon buries his face in my neck and kisses me some more. Finally, he stops for just a second and looks into my eyes. “I’m so damn proud of you.”

“Thanks,” I say shyly.

I wiggle because I feel like I’m slipping and Landon hisses. My body is still pumped full of adrenaline so I don’t notice his erection until then. “Macy, we’ve got to get out of here.”

I giggle and release my legs from around him. “Sorry.”

Landon kisses me again and leaves me breathless once again. “No more I’m sorry. Not anymore.”

I bite on my bottom lip and Landon groans again. “Let’s go.” He grabs my hand and we walk out of the locker room toward the stands.

We turn the corner and spot Jay walking toward us.

“Oh, fuck,” I whisper just as Landon looks up.

Chapter Thirteen

December 30, 2013

Landon

When Macy and I walk down the hallway we pass by Jay. Macy trips over her own two feet, she saw him too. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Jay never comes to games so what the hell is he doing here? What the fuck is he doing in Texas? I pull Macy closer to my side. My protectiveness kicking in.

Macy whispers, “Is that weird?”

“It’s not good.”

“Oh shit.”

I’m not sure what to think when I see Jay but I know I need to do something. Say something.

I lean into Macy. “Go back to your seat. I’ll be there in a minute.”

She’s hesitating, like she doesn’t want to leave me alone. Maybe she thinks I’m going to get some drugs from him.

She smiles, it’s reassuring… it’s trusting. “Okay. Just be careful.”

I kiss her temple and then turn around the corner to where Jay is standing near the stairs. He knows where Madison is sitting now because from here he has a clear view of her and the field.

“Stay away from Madison.” I tell him calmly. No way I’m letting him see I’m bothered by this, or that he can somehow control her anymore. I won’t allow it.

Jay doesn’t acknowledge my presence, as if he ever has, his eyes on the field watching Cash.

I know exactly what he’s doing here now. He’s looking for Cash’s weakness. He studies people. Watches them. Then he reacts. It won’t be tonight. Maybe not even six months from now. This isn’t something where he’s sending a message like he so often likes to do. This is a man looking for revenge for taking something of his.

His dark glare turns to mine, amusement tugging at the corners of his lips. He looks at the ground as he speaks running his hand over his beard. “I’d mind my own business,” his voice is steady, his eyes moving from the floor to mine, “if I were you.” His gaze shifts past me, to the field, and then back on mine but he turns and walks away.

I make it back to my seat right before kickoff. I take a deep breath and push that encounter to the side. We have to show our support for Cash. He needs us all today.

“Jay is here,” I announce as Macy leans into me when I sit down next to her.

I watch as Madison flinches. “Here? In Texas?”

I lean over and whisper in her ear. “Relax, okay? There’s security everywhere and he’d be stupid to try anything. He’s probably just here to watch.” I just lied. I don’t even believe myself for one second thinking he’s here just to watch the game. “I mean it, Madison. Relax.”

I watch as my teammates blow the Longhorns out of the water. We scored ten points in both the first and second quarters.

During half-time Madison asks Macy, “Did you take your test?”

I cock my head to the side and look over at Macy waiting for her to explain. I hadn’t realized she told anyone.

“I told her,” she shrugs then answers Madison. “No, but I will tomorrow when we get back. I wanted to do this first.”

I lean over and kiss Macy on the cheek. I’m glad Macy and Madison have their relationship back again. Things are still a little rocky but every day they are getting better, or at least it seems that way.

It feels absolutely amazing to have things a little right with the world for once. Slowly but surely we are circling back around to what we used to be. I’d like to think that Steven is looking down on us and is proud of us. We are meant to be like this, there for each other facing our fears, reveling in our happiness, holding each other during our sorrows, and high-fiving each other over our triumphs. We lost our way for a bit but we’re finding our way home.

The third quarter starts back up and we score another three points and seven in the fourth. The Longhorns got their single touchdown in the first quarter and couldn’t make any other plays. We won the game thirty to seven.

I’m the first one on the field to congratulate Cash. He did an amazing fucking job blowing the Longhorns away in their house. The crowd swarms in wanting Cash for interviews so I make my rounds to the other guys.

Once I’ve congratulated everyone I see Madison and Macy standing off to the side. I don’t blame them for not wanting to go into that shark tank right now. Those sports reporters will stop at nothing to get what they want.

“You ready to get out of here?” I ask them.

Madison shakes her head. “No, I’m going to wait here for him.”

“I’ve had enough excitement for one day, take me to bed.” Macy laughs. “I barely slept and I’m exhausted.”

I look to Madison. “You going to be okay by yourself.” It makes me a little uncomfortable leaving her here but I want some alone time with Macy.

“I’m fine. Get out here,” she laughs.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

Madison calls over her shoulder. “Keep it on your bed though, alright?”

Macy and I laugh as we walk away with real smiles on both our faces for the first time in three years.

December 31, 2013

Canby, Oregon

Macy, Madison, and I flew back together while Cash had to catch the flight with the team. The first thing that Macy and I did when we dropped Madison off at their parents’ house was go to the store for a pregnancy test. When we woke up this morning first thing Macy did was throw up. She blamed it on her nerves because she hates to fly. I’ve come to realize that Macy is avoiding this test. She’s afraid of the outcome, afraid that if it is positive that she’ll have pushed me too far and lost me for good.

I called her out on it and then she blamed it on the rough sex that we had when we got back to the room last night. I chuckle to myself sitting here on my bed while Macy’s in the bathroom. Macy needing it rough sometimes makes me laugh because it’s funny I never picked up on that before but I’m sure as hell not complaining about it either. She asked me to put my hand around her throat during sex. I couldn’t do it at first but she wasn’t having it. So I did it. It was hot and I think it was the best sex of my life.

Macy steps out of the bathroom and holds the test in her hand. She’s looking down at it.

“I thought you had to leave it flat for a few minutes?”

She still hasn’t looked up.

“Macy?”

Finally, she looks up and a small, beautiful smile graces her face. “I didn’t need to.”

“Huh?”

She looks back down at the test and leans against the door frame. “I think it’s broken maybe.”

“Broken?” I’m getting more confused by the second.

“Can you hand me my phone?” I reach over on the bed and bring her phone to her.

“Hold this,” she says handing me the test and starts tapping away on her phone.

I don’t look down at the test because I don’t know what I want the answer to be. In ways, I want Macy all to myself for a little while. I want to get drafted to the NFL before worrying about kids. But then on the other hand if she was pregnant I’d be okay with that too. Everything happens for a reason, right?

“So,” Macy says taking the test from my hands. “I texted everyone.”

“Why?” I ask curious.

She glances down at the test in her hand again and then holds it close to me giving me no chance at not seeing the outcome. “That’s why.”

I smile.

And just like that, things change.

One moment changes everything forever again.

Surviving Regret…

June 3, 2014

It’s five-thirty in the morning. I’m sitting here in the hospital room while Macy finally gets some sleep. As the sky starts turning from darkness to light, I’m thinking that another day is beginning, a day that will change the rest of my life, again. My daughter will be arriving in a matter of hours. My daughter. It’s still so surreal.

I can’t believe the time has come already. I feel like I blinked and the last few months have flown by. Turning my head I watch the monitor tracking my daughter’s heartbeat. It’s strong just like her momma’s. Macy is going to be an amazing mom to her. I know she’s nervous about what the future holds for us but together we’ll make it work. We’ve been through so much in our lives and we’ll get through this as well. Since going to Cannon Beach when Alexa overdosed last year, things have been good, really good. I’ve been attending the drug and alcohol classes that I started in January. I’m even seeing a psychologist to help me work through the guilt of Steven’s death. It’s all helping, helping a lot. I think in some way, deep down inside I’ll always feel that guilt but at least I have come to peace with it now. Macy even encouraged me to go and speak at our old high school about drug awareness in April. I really felt like a loser looking at all those kids in the auditorium. Here I was, Landon Hayes, attending one of the division one football leagues and I just about threw it away like it meant nothing, nothing at all. It was a real eye opener, that’s for sure.

My dad called me a few nights ago to let me know I won my appeal and I can play football again next year. He warned me that I’ll be watched like a hawk eye so there is no screwing up this time. They won’t find any issues with me, not this year. My life is depending on this year, my senior year. I need to make it in the draft. It’s how I plan on supporting my family but if it doesn’t work out I always have my backup degree of working as a physical trainer.

After telling our parents about Macy’s pregnancy both sets of parents were deeply worried. They were afraid that our relationship wasn’t going to work because of all the hurt we’ve caused each other. Macy’s mom was worried her daughter would be a single mother who wouldn’t finish college because she needed to care for her child. I didn’t blame them for thinking that in the least. After all it was my fault, I caused Macy most of her pain, if not all of it. But I was set on proving them wrong. So I did what needed to be done first and foremost, I tapped into my savings account and got us an apartment just off campus. Neither of us could stand the fact that we couldn’t sleep without the other. Plus, I needed to be there for Macy and my unborn child growing in her belly. It was time I stepped up to the plate.

I told Macy what I was doing but she refused to let me pay for everything on my own. She claims it wasn’t fair and refused to move in with me unless we did it together. She doesn’t realize that she is only pays a quarter of what we pay for rent. I hate the fact that she’s even paying that but it’s what she wants to do, and to keep her happy I let her.

Macy stirs in bed, her face scrunching up in discomfort. She was given an epidural just a few hours ago but she still feels some of the pain from the contractions.

Her eyes open, she glances around until our eyes connect. “Hey.”

“You okay?”

Macy nods. “Yeah.”

“Try to go back to sleep. You were only asleep for a half hour.”

She groans. “That’s it?”

I chuckle, “That’s it.”

“Come closer, I can’t sleep with you all the way over there.”

I get up from my seat and drag my chair over next to her bed. I lean forward in the chair and rest my head on her leg, her round belly touching the back of my head.