Tantric Orgasm for Women (18 page)

The Contraception Issue

Many women, particularly in their teenage years, are bound to have had experiences of an excruciating longing to have sex and a simultaneously profound
no
to it. Usually in these circumstances the contraception issue has not been addressed or acted upon. This inner conflict of yes/no creates great tension in a woman and affects her ability to genuinely open up, to herself and to a man. And even if she does open up, she is likely to retain a subtle
no
of underlying resistance, when so much is at stake. If a woman is compelled to set out with a basic unwillingness to open up and relax, this contraction does not help the expansion of female energy. Tensions about pregnancy will influence and affect a woman’s presence, her pleasure, and her entire perception of sex.

Fertility awareness becomes essential if a woman really wants to let go into lovemaking. Without it, the riskiness of the situation, the resistance to it and the wanting of it, can serve to intensify the excitement to a point that she will willy-nilly thrust herself into the experience, throwing all caution
to the wind. It starts out with a no, and yet the woman is slowly getting
excited, still saying no but enjoying the sexual feelings. At a certain point
the excitement reaches a peak with the overwhelming desire for penetration, and the
no
rapidly flips on its head into a
yes
, and this is certainly not the moment to halt the proceedings to insert a diaphragm or roll on a condom. Thrusting oneself into sex like this is to enter the act with an already high level of excitement, with less awareness, and usually with the desire for orgasm—all of which pretty much guarantees ejaculation. Which of course makes the risks of pregnancy even higher.

For all of these reasons it is really essential that a woman, especially when young, take complete responsibility for contraception and not leave it up to the man. A woman does herself a great service if she takes precautions against unwanted pregnancy: much energy is liberated into the sexual experience. A woman who has had the joy of a vasectomized man entering her life will know what an incredible relief it is not to even
think
about contraception. Not ever! Making love becomes so joyful and easy—just an unconditional
yes
away.

Often women in workshops will ask the question, “What about making love during menstruation—is it good or bad?” Basically, to make love at this time is perfectly fine; it is a super-safe time relative to the fertility cycle and can even ease menstrual symptoms such pain or irritability. It really depends on the personal choice and preferences of the two people involved. There are no general rules to be made and each woman has to find her own way with her partner in this.

When Sex and Fertility Make Friends

Keeping track of a woman’s fertility cycle is the most helpful way to avoid or invite pregnancy. Perhaps the best tool for this is the Sympto-Thermal Method. Having a working knowledge of this method empowers women, in that they remain in closer contact to the cycles of their bodies and puts them in a position to have greater control over contraception. Nature gives us subtle signs telling us when a woman is fertile: ovulation is accompanied by a temperature rise (sympto-thermal), which indicates the passing
of an egg being released from the ovaries to travel down the fallopian tubes to the womb. At the same time, there are changes in the cervical fluid. In the Sympto-Thermal Method, the temperature rise is always interpreted in correlation to cervical fluid observation, and together these reveal ovarian activity. This method is taught by two major world organizations: a Catholic organization called the Natural Family Planning (NFP) Institute and the non-religious-affiliated Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) schools. Instructions in the Sympto-Thermal Method can be obtained from these organizations and others all over the world. Some women manage to learn the method on their own just by reading a competent book, but it is recommended that they discuss their charts at least once with a Sympto-Thermal counselor and, importantly, that they fully include their partners.

It is commonly understood that having sex but refraining from ejaculation is not a sufficiently safe form of contraception. Accordingly, the Sympto-Thermal Method, the so-called “natural contraception” method, is not considered sufficiently safe by its antagonists. Instead, the multi-billion-dollar hormone industry, and thus, most gynecologists and other
doctors, discourage women from getting involved with their own fertility cycles. Advocates of the natural approach insist that the Sympto-Thermal Method is the best-kept secret around, and the underlying reason is monetary:
consumption of expensive pills to forget about body cycles is preferred, and so there is precious little promotion of self awareness and how to better take care of ourselves.

For women who do wish to know more about this method, I have included a detailed introduction in the appendix at the back of the book. Although you should not consider this account complete, I have included all the contact information you will need on how to learn more.

Choosing to Have a Child

When a woman feels ready to have a child and truly wishes for one, it is very much advantageous to all concerned to
consciously
conceive that child, to ensure that the pregnancy results
from a planned ejaculation to coincide with ovulation, not an accidental
ejaculation. A couple should build a special ritual around such a conception
experience, creating a temple for making love, providing a sacred space into which to invite a new being into life. A child entering the world is easily able to sense welcome or a lack of welcome; she feels how she has been longed for or accommodated by the new parents, whether they have changed joyfully or adjusted reluctantly to fit her into their usually already busy lives. Feelings of being unwelcome will be in force in this new being in spite of all of the loving attentions that may subsequently be poured on her. A child who has truly been invited into the world displays a completely different psychology and life force.

One basic way in which a baby can sense the lack of welcome on planet Earth is through a lack of breast-feeding. Many mothers today do not have the time or the patience to devote themselves to breast-feeding, and further, some women fear they will ruin their breasts by breast-feeding and thereby decrease their sexual attractiveness. Breast milk contains all the vital ingredients essential for developing a healthy immune system in a child, so breast-feeding is basic to human life. Yet today not many women
breast-feed their children for more than a few weeks. Much less common is breast-feeding for twelve to eighteen months.

Sex during Pregnancy

Pregnancy, planned or not, raises the question of how to proceed with a sexual life for the following nine months. As the pregnancy advances many women become reluctant to engage in sex, becoming concerned that in some way the baby will be hurt through sex, and this concern increases as the pregnancy progresses. This is perhaps the first time that a woman becomes conscious of the aggressive, unloving quality of the conventional sexual exchange. Feeling a need to protect her unborn child, she begins to turn away from sexual overtures by her man. This withdrawal often creates tensions within the relationship; by the time the baby arrives, not much sex has been had at all in the preceding months.

With the conscious and loving tantric approach to sex, and soft penetration
with the possibility of erection in the vagina as described in chapter 8, sex is easy to engage in. It is such a completely organic approach that
a woman will feel in herself that absolutely no harm can come to the fetus. On the contrary, women in my workshops who have attended in the seventh to the ninth month of pregnancy all report a positive response from the fetus. Tantric sex creates more space for the baby, because the belly relaxes. The movement of the fetus increases, and in some cases tantric lovemaking has even stimulated the act of the fetus turning to the head-down position important for birth. The life force generated during sex radiates through the whole body, with beneficial outcome for both mother and child. It can act as a preparation for birth. In addition, this lovemaking nourishes the loving bond between man and woman, which is the foundation of parenthood.

Sex after Birth and while Breast-feeding

After the birth of a child, a woman’s reluctance to engage in sex tends to increase. Some of this disinclination can be an outcome of the birth experience itself and the intensely physical process a woman goes through. If it was a difficult birth, with tears and stitches at the entrance of the vagina
for instance, a woman will feel naturally unwilling to open up to sex. A tantric friend of mine reported that she had two completely opposite experiences giving birth: the first was very hard and very long and the second took only six hours. Though the second birth was intense, it was a natural birth and was a very empowering experience. After the birth of her first child she noticed she could not even entertain the
thought
of getting interested “down there”—it seemed that feeling sexual was simply light years away. My friend required five months of healing before she felt physically available to make love with her husband. When she finally agreed, she experienced the soft penetration and presence of the penis inside her as a tremendously healing experience. Many tears and tensions were able to flow out of her system. In contrast, with her second child she resumed lovemaking (tantric style, as she had done up to the birth) shortly after the birth and continues to make love regularly (one to four times a week), along with breast-feeding and caring for her two children.

In the case of cesarean birth there is often pain and discomfort associated with the surgery and healing of the wound, as well as a general sensation of being cut off from the pelvic basin—the genitals and pelvic floor. With vaginal birth, many women are given an episiotomy—a cut from the vaginal entrance into the perineum—as a routine procedure that is done with the intention of preventing the possibility of any tearing during birth. In these cases penetration is associated with pain in the vagina. So it follows that if birth has occurred without surgical invasion or difficulties, the mother is more likely to be open to sexual exchange. Her body is relatively intact and carrying no traumas that need time to heal in the body and the psyche.

Apparent Loss of Libido after Birth

As a creative expression of the female element, giving birth is a profoundly transforming process for a woman. For some women the birth process can be an orgasmic experience. Birth energetically expands a woman’s system and thereby increases her overall receptivity and sensitivity. As a consequence of giving birth a woman feels more feminine, more connected to her innate female nature.

So it is quite understandable that, in these new circumstances, a new
mother is not as interested in sex as she was before the birth—in sex of the conventional kind, at any rate, in which her delicate feminine senses are transgressed. The conscious, tantric
approach to sex poses no problems for a woman because it does not involve the
machinations and strenuousness demanded by convention. Perhaps the commonly
experienced loss of libido after childbirth is due to nothing other than
resistance to the conventional approach to sex—not a resistance to sex itself. For a woman as mother, it is important to move into the spiritual expression of sex, which requires raising that same energy that produced the child. This will bring her, as woman, more love, vitality, and wisdom. Sex is a powerful way of indirectly nourishing a child.

At present in the field of medicine the loss of libido is attributed to prolactin, a hormone that is secreted after giving birth and is absolutely necessary for breast-feeding. Prolactin is a physiological requirement of the body, because without it the breast milk is unable flow. Prolactin works as a relax-ant for the breasts, and naturally calms and relaxes the mother in preparation for breast-feeding. Incidentally, prolactin is also used in psychiatry for
its calming effects. Knowing the role of prolactin in milk production, a woman
can feel more relaxed about the calm state of her libido. It is an internal
body process, so to feel tired or lacking energy while breast-feeding a child is
perfectly normal. As well, breast-feeding represents a huge commitment, as an adequate schedule is about six or seven times a day for at least four to six months. So when a woman does not feel attracted to the rigors of normal sex, it may be unrealistic to call it a loss of libido!

Breast-Feeding Enhances Lovemaking

In the tantric picture, to be relaxed is actually considered a
great advantage, and a woman will be naturally more open and receptive while she
is breast-feeding—a gift! (Soft penetration is quite feasible during
breast-feeding itself.) It is possible also to support the flow from the breasts
by connecting with the inner energy circle flowing from the breasts to the vagina and back again to the breasts. A tantric
friend of mine who breast-feeds with awareness of the breasts as the positive
downward-radiating pole says she finds the experience very nourishing; it even
gives her a certain sexual
fulfillment by virtue of completing her inner circle. She says that the circular connection, the tuning in to her body, creates a calm, peaceful atmosphere around her, which gives the baby a sense of security, and this in turn helps the baby relax into drinking. By making the experience a nourishing one for herself, a woman can avoid exhaustion or irritability, extreme sensitivity in the nipples, and feeling empty and drained of reserves after feeding.

Remember, breast-feeding prevents ovulation, so as long as a woman is breast-feeding she is protected by natural contraception.*
¹
You can add this to the advantages of breast-feeding. It is really the perfect period of time for making love. You can be almost certain that during this time there will be no ovulation, which gives you time to get back in sync with your partner. A woman can be infertile for about eighteen months if she breast-feeds for this length of time; however, after six months she should seek more information from a fertility counselor.

The World Health Organization recommends a minimum of one year of
breast-feeding, which makes it difficult or impossible for a new mother to work
away from the home. In Sweden, mothers are paid by the government for one year to assist them financially in order to encourage breast-feeding, in recognition of the vital importance of mother’s milk to the building of a child’s immune system and future health.

All in all, sex after giving birth can be a great healing force, and women are encouraged not to abandon being a lover when becoming a mother. In the tantric
context one starts to view life very differently, to see that a conscious approach in sex can be a unifying force, as things that are normally held apart (sex and parenthood) are brought together in harmony. You can engage in unassertive tantric sex in the vicinity of babies because it is a loving and natural happening—unlike conventional sex, which is more animalistic and places adults in an embarrassing situation when children happen in on them.