Tantric Orgasm for Women (15 page)

The Role of Relaxation

Not to be underestimated, relaxation is pivotal in woman’s searching for satisfying orgasm. It is the real experience of sensuality as consciousness begins filtering through the body. The energy usually
ex
pressed turns inward and becomes
im
pressed. It sinks into the body, into oneness with the senses. Touch, sound, breath, eyes, hair, silky skin—all of these speak to us when we are relaxed enough to listen.

When a woman relaxes into herself, the adventure for a man is as momentous. A man needs only a couple of experiences to confirm how naturally the male energy responds to the presence of a complementary passivity—the sheer delight to be found in being welcomed, received, absorbed, and expanded through woman. Mistakenly, man has helped to make woman more male through his insistence on excitement. Yet ironically, man’s sex obsession is a search for this very dynamic experience where his energy simply moves through him, drawn by an equal and opposite force—and both are fulfilled.

If you are single and without a regular partner with whom to make love, experimenting is more difficult—but not impossible. While you are making love, even if it is the first time with a new partner, just try a key practice. It might be bringing awareness to your positive pole, or slowing down. Or you may like to look into his eyes. How does he respond? It is very interesting to see what happens! If you continue to meet again to make love it is good if you can explain to the person that you are interested in experimenting with making love. Tell him a bit about how you feel and
what you would like to experience. Again, it does help if you are on the same
wavelength. Sometimes it simply doesn’t work to talk about it—perhaps you don’t
even speak a common language, in which case just try relaxing into sex, experimenting on your own. Notice what works. Notice what happens. Keep bringing in awareness.

Awareness and Sensitivity Exercise
Activating the Microcosmic Orbit

Give yourself half an hour or more for this exploration. You can do this exercise sitting upright in a chair with a straight spine and both feet on the floor.

Close your eyes and tune in to two energy channels, or meridians: one running up the back of the body and the other down the front of the body. The channel at the back begins at the perineum, between the anus and the vagina, and runs up the sacrum and low back, up the spine, over the top of the head, to the roof of the mouth. The channel at the front runs from the tongue down the throat, heart, solar plexus, and navel, to the perineum. When these two main channels are open, the energy will circle automatically in a loop that Mantak Chia calls the
microcosmic orbit
.
²

The tongue is the bridge that connects the yang male energy channel along the back to the yin female energy channel along the front. Place the tongue on the soft palate at a point toward the rear of the mouth cavity, about one and a half inches behind the teeth. It is a slight stretch for the tongue. (Closer toward the teeth is okay too, if the suggested tongue position is not comfortable.) By completing this route you get the yin and yang harmonizing, enabling you to increase the energy flow and vitality throughout your body. The direction of energy flow can also be reversed—moving up the front and down the back.

To awaken the energy at individual points along the way, use your inner vision. Attempt to sink your mind into your body, to the point you wish to activate, and soon you will feel warmth or energy or chi beginning to flow there. Each person will experience this energy activation differently; just stay attuned to your sensations in the body. The best place to start the circle is by focusing deep into the navel, and from there flow downward to a point just above the pubic bone (a point corresponding to the ovaries), then to the perineum, the coccyx, the lower back (on the same level as the navel), the mid back (on the same level as the solar plexus), behind the back of the neck just where it joins the
head, the crown of the head, the point between the eyebrows, the tongue/palate, the heart, the solar plexus, and returning finally to the navel. Concentrate on the energy points and circling the energy; it is not necessary to focus on the breathing.

When you are finished, always complete the circle at your navel center and store energy there. To store energy, place your right fist on your navel and concentrate your attention there. Rotate your fist counterclockwise thirty-six times in an increasingly large circle, then reverse the direction, rotating clockwise twenty-four times while shrinking the circle back to the navel. Allow a little smile at the lip corners during the whole exercise, and notice the feelings of harmony and love. Rest for five to ten minutes after finishing.

After you get the feeling of this circle, you may hook up with it any time you are making love, to great effect. It is especially nice in yab yum, where you are in a sitting position and in line with Earth’s gravitational field.

Awareness and Sensitivity Exercise
The Solar Plexus and the Third Eye

While you are making love—or any time, as a matter of fact—it is
possible to intensify the focus on the solar plexus area by looking down to the
point of your nose, which will give the sensation of the eyes crossing. Holding this eye position for a few moments enables you to sense into the solar plexus very deeply.

To help activate the third eye, between the eyebrows, almost close the eyelids and then start flickering them up and down very quickly
while at the same time
looking upward, directing your eyes toward the center of your forehead. Again there will be the sensation of the eyes crossing. Gradually look back as far as you can without strain. After a few attempts at this you will begin to get the sensation of something locking or converging in the area between the eyebrows. Close your eyes and continue to hold awareness at the third eye—the sensations at this energy point will be greatly intensified. You may only be able to do this for a few short seconds at first, but that is a good start.

Try these two practices on your own first before trying them during lovemaking. You can actually do them in sequence, looking down to the solar plexus, then looking up to the third eye a few minutes later, then down again and up again three or four times.

Circling energy through the microcosmic orbit, or lifting the lip corners into an inner smile, or simply placing the tongue on the soft palate, or connecting with the solar plexus or the third eye—the stimulation
of all or any of these energy phenomena even just for a few seconds will have an impact on the sexual experience, and can be utilized at will during lovemaking.

Partner Exchange Exercise
Let Lovemaking Come by Itself

Before you move into love, sit silently together for fifteen minutes holding each other’s hands crosswise. Sit in darkness or very dim light and feel each other. Get in tune with each other by breathing together: when your man exhales, you exhale; when he inhales, you inhale. Within a few minutes you will get into it. Breathe as if you are one organism—not two bodies but one. And look into each other’s eyes with soft vision.

After fifteen minutes, take time to enjoy each other and play with each other’s bodies. Don’t move into love unless the moment arises by itself—not that you make love but suddenly you find yourself making love. Wait for this—do not force it. Go to sleep—there’s no need to make love. Wait for the moment to arise even if you wait two or three days. It will come, and when it does love will go very deep. It will be a silent, oceanic feeling. Love is something that has to be engaged in like a meditation. It is something that has to be cherished, tasted very slowly so it suffuses deeply into your being. It becomes such a possessing experience—as if you are there no more. It is not that you are making love—you
are
love. Love becomes a bigger energy around you; it goes beyond you both.

Distinguishing between Emotions and Feelings

Yet for too many of us, deep personal and societal wounding through sex prevents us from balancing our energies in a way that serves us. We repress the memories of our hurts, suppress our real feelings and energies, and then unconsciously begin to control or manipulate others or fail to channel our energies in a wise or creative direction. As we change the way we make love, we initiate an alchemical process of awakening the inner opposite polarity within, which in time enables us to use both energies powerfully and productively. This, in turn, helps us to dissolve the emotional patterns that have caused us pain in the past and to create the life and love we deeply desire in the present.

To create the life of sustained loving harmony that so many women desire, an important step to take is to keep emotion out of love. As Osho says, “love is a state of being,” and “one is not
in
love, one
is
love . . . it has nothing to with anybody else.” With the new input about harnessing polarity and female orgasmic potential, you might be able to conceive of a day (or at least a few hours at a time, a few days of the week) of
being
love as a state that is sustained and not associated with the highs and lows of relationships. But these highs, and the painful and difficult lows filled with emotions, where love becomes scrambled up with irreconcilable feelings and fears: what is all this about? Despair or resignation can set in when a couple can see no way out of the cycle of conflicts.

Regaining female power is dependent upon knowing the difference between feelings and emotions, and knowing that “love has to be separated from this category of emotions.” (See the tantric inspiration at the end of
this chapter.) The crucial understanding here is that emotion comes from the
past
, while love and true feelings arise in the
present
. When too much past stuff gets dragged into everyday life, love is quick to wane. Love has its tendrils in the delicacy of the now. That doesn’t mean that you should think of emotion as some kind of demon. Emotion itself is fine; what is important is that you are
aware
that you are emotional, that you know what is happening when it is happening. This understanding changes everything.

Symptoms of Emotion

Until now we have had no frame of reference to understand what is truly going on in the split second when emotions surface, the instant when, out of the blue, the love boat begins to rock dangerously. What we need is self-awareness. The immediate physical symptoms of emotion can be described variously as “suddenly feeling paralyzed,” or as if “a wall suddenly comes down,” or as a moment when it is impossible look the other in the eyes, or having the awkward sensation of feeling disconnected from
everything, utterly separate, lonely, totally misunderstood, physically collapsed. Often we find ourselves full of vengefulness and wanting to hurt back. We start blaming our partner for the situation, using the accusing words “You never . . .” or “You always. . . .” Or, alternatively, a jumble of feelings tumble around inside that are impossible to find words for. When one of these types of “emotional attacks” takes place, we must recognize that emotion is in play. It takes some practice to recognize emotion, but after a while it does become obvious.

This inner acknowledgment immediately puts things more into perspective. Emotion is, in reality, the resurfacing of an accumulation of old feelings, repressed feelings, feelings that had to be swallowed, that we did not dare to show or express
at the time
when the feeling was actually taking place—in a previous present, during some unhappy incident many years ago. This is why so often emotional reactions are quite disproportionate to the slight comment or mild action that triggers the emotion. The trigger itself does not usually warrant the huge upset that follows in its wake. What is really happening is that old, unexpressed feelings begin
to resonate and bubble up inside and create confusion. When you acknowledge these old feelings for what they are and work their negative effects out of your system, emotional reactions will begin to cease. In a few years your partner can say precisely the same words to you, and nothing happens—the comment slips by you like water off a duck’s back.

Using Love to Overcome Fears Created by Lack of Love

As women we carry many emotions, which means we are loaded with layers of unexpressed feelings. The source of unhappiness is most usually due to a lack of love, perhaps to abusive and hurtful sexual experiences of the past, where there was a total absence of respect and love. Even if a woman has not been intentionally abused, the current style of aggressive, insensitive sex can be acknowledged by a woman’s body as a subtle form of abuse. This implies that basically all of us are emotional about the lack of love, not only in the past but perhaps even now. Deep fears are instilled by the unloving treatment that negatively affects a woman’s capacity to love and be loved. Fear demands the need for protection and defense, so it is with good survival reasoning that woman protects herself from man.

However, to heal the existing situation and bring it back into balance (within us and between us) there is only one option open—if lack of love instilled fear, love is the direct method to dissolve the fear and thereby end the patterns of emotionality. A woman must trust her nature and allow herself to be loved by a man and open up to him (provided he is willing to be conscious in the tantric way), which means dropping the defenses, games, and emotions that form our personality but have nothing to do with the vulnerable sensitivity of our true selves.

The truth is, from our earliest years we have been developing feelings of being separate, of being wrong, of being unworthy, of not being good enough. We, who were manifested on earth as an expression of unhindered energy, become separate from ourselves, from each other, and from the whole of existence. As we cut off from our pure energy we also cut off from our
love source,
and gradually a false self develops around us as fear replaces
security and joy. The fear is due to imprints made by an absence of love in the immediate surroundings (family and parents), and the fear provokes a child into acting differently in order to try to get approval (or disapproval, through rebellion, where at least some attention is gained) in order to gain the love so necessary for survival. And so our parents begin to write the script for us, for who we are and how we should behave, and we gradually lose our authenticity.

Emotionality is an unconscious, automatic reaction to a situation or circumstance, like when a switch is flicked off and light turns to dark. It can even be a learned habit: some women learned to be emotional as young girls by mimicking their mother’s behavior. As the years go by, we as women begin to define ourselves according to our emotions, our little and big ups and downs, thinking this is who we really are. It is as if we are in a movie and the situation is not actually real. Only the past makes it real. (If we were to wake up one morning without our memory, with no past, what then?) But in spirit and essence we are all love, and to keep love alive love has to be separated from the backlog of stored emotions we are
not so aware of. As we begin to release these old feelings consciously (whenever we notice they arise) they cease to hold our energy down.

The Solar Plexus and Emotion

In addition to the emotional alarm signals, like suddenly
feeling paralyzed or disconnected, you can learn to recognize states of
emotionality in the solar plexus. Consider this area as a sensor for recognizing
emotion, because this is where emotions will gather and create a lot of
discomfort. Emotions try to seek discharge in various ways—through irritation,
complaining, nagging, passing on your frustration to the children. When you develop awareness of the solar plexus, the moment someone says something that strikes an uncomfortable chord in you, you will notice something going on there telling you that you are emotional, that something unresolved is being triggered. For woman it is good to have the solar plexus free of tensions to allow for unobstructed flow of sexual energy between the breasts and the vagina.

Many women will feel nauseous when first relaxing into lovemaking, but this is nothing to be concerned about. It is a sure sign of the surfacing of old feelings asking for release. Nausea is a by-product of the sexual energy expanding and pushing the restricting emotions out of the body. An ancient tantric technique is to drink a large amount of salt water and put a finger down the throat to open the solar plexus and keep it open. Even the vomit reflex alone, without any discharge, works wonders in releasing tensions of the solar plexus. There is an immediate feeling of expansion, as if something toxic has left you.

Verbalize Emotion, Separate, and Physically Move the Body

The very moment that you recognize that you are emotional, through the solar plexus or in whatever other way you recognize it, the first step is to inwardly acknowledge that you are emotional. The second step is to say it out loud to your partner. “I am emotional.” This verbalization instantly brings a touch of relaxation, because at least now your partner knows that
you
know that
you
are emotional, which takes him out of the picture and no longer makes him responsible for your unhappiness. It is a difficult step to take, to admit you are emotional by actually saying so, because the ego will be fighting like crazy trying to blame the other. But in reality, until you take yourself back to yourself and acknowledge the past, your love life will remain a series of good times followed by bad times.

In such circumstances, having said the words “I am emotional now” to your partner as gracefully as possible, physically leave the room, adding the words “I need some time to myself and will return soon.” Close the door gently and go outside or to another room in the house and take some time alone. (Do not drive off and feign that you are abandoning the relationship in that moment.) This is not switch-off time, but the time to switch on and release or get in touch with these old feelings residing in your system. In fact, when emotions get activated they move through a layer of connective tissue in the body called fascia. This explains why sometimes at the onset of an emotional attack you will feel that onset in your body very clearly, almost as
if a substance with density is swirling through the body. (Indeed, fascia does weave dimensionally through the body and from head to toe about five times, connecting the superficial layers with the deepest physical layers.)

Now, to get rid of these emotions you need to help them out of the body where
they are stored. It is essential to physically move your body so that the old
feelings can be burned up. Be active in some way: hit a pillow, bang on a drum,
jog, chop wood; if you are able to have a good scream that also helps, but that
depends on your neighbors and your level of privacy. Gibberish non-sense talk
also works to release emotions. Have a little catharsis—be crazy for a while!
Whatever you do, be active. This is not always the easiest choice because
emotions leave us feeling collapsed and exhausted and more like curling up in bed to nurse them. The surprising fact is that when you return to your partner after physical release you are likely to experience that the sense of separation/disconnection is reduced, that you can make eye contact, that the wall between you is crumbling. If this is not the case, then another bout of body movement is called for, until the wall has crumbled to the ground.

This sounds almost too simple, but it works. And it certainly wins hands down over the alternative option of dragging the emotions around for a few days, heavyhearted and miserable, wondering what has become of love until eventually, sleepless nights later, one side breaks down into tears, gives up the fight, and starts to express the feelings lurking behind the emotions. You have experienced this yourself many times, I’m sure: the very instant one side gives up and starts to express inner feelings the fight is over. We pick up the remaining threads of love and start again.

A woman friend who uses body catharsis through chaotic movement as a meditation has shared this with me:

I continue to marvel at how cathartic movement frees a lot of my psychological holding, a certain mental rigidity that collects and periodically builds
up through the activities of my day-to-day life. As a result of movement catharsis, I find I have more patience and focus in dealing with all aspects of my life. In addition, I find that cathartic movement is especially complementary to my yoga practice. I love practicing yoga, but there is something serious and rigid about it that wild dancing movement seems
to free up and balance. Catharsis is a dredging-up process. Many people don’t really want to look very deeply into what exists below the surface of the ego. I have found that the work of catharsis creates more softness, sensitivity, and receptivity within me, while at the same time creating dynamic and healthy boundaries. When some barriers and armoring are broken down and released, softer aspects within myself are contacted. At the same time, some weaker part of myself receives acceptance and become more vital and powerful.

The question may come up as to why is it necessary to separate physically to deal with emotions. One of the telltale traits of emotion is that it enjoys discussion and argument, each one trying to convince the other why
he
or
she
is right. Emotion is full of ego. If you do stay in each other’s presence when emotionally activated, it is really best if you can say “I feel . . .” and
only
talk about yourself. This is the most direct way to step out of emotion: to talk about what you are feeling at a deeper level, to express and release your hidden feelings. Bring the congestion of emotions from the solar plexus—where it is likely to have formed a knot—up to the heart, and get into your inner feelings for real. Do not make your partner responsible
for creating unhappiness in you. Reach behind the emotion and find what is truly
happening inside of you, the old hurts buried away that have nothing to do with
this individual in front of you. He has only been a trigger for the cache of unexpressed feelings within.

Even if perhaps this person
is
in some way responsible for some of the hurts you carry from the past, the fact that you did not express your deeper feelings at that time, and repressed them instead, is really the issue in the present. If feelings had been authentically released at the time, they would not keep bubbling up inside of you. At least you would have felt a great deal better for having expressed the feelings, even if a particular issue remains unresolved between you. Through expression you cease to drag emotions around with you that accumulate year by year. Instead you keep yourself free from the past, straight and up to date.

Emotions are really toxins (which is what you feel swirling around in the fascia) that will poison the atmosphere, striking deadly blows at the person we most love, the one closest to us. This is a big problem—we unconsciously put all our unresolved feelings onto the
person we most love, and thereby contaminate the love. We say the most awful things to our partner in an attempt to unburden ourselves of our emotions. Emotional statements stick like glue in the mind, and turn around in the thoughts endlessly, long after the fight is over. Did he
really
mean that? Am I really like
that
? And then
the mind will create more emotions from thinking over the past too much.
In truth, love cannot withstand too much emotion; it is like a delicate and fragile flower that requires awareness to keep it flourishing. Love will slowly slip through our fingers when we let emotion have the upper hand.