Tantric Orgasm for Women (14 page)

Letting Go of Tensions, Masks, Protections, Efforts, and Projections

As you can see, when moving into relaxation and opening up to the moment, the outcome is a great deal
less
tension and the dropping of
masks, protections, efforts, and projections. What you gain is vitality, a physical porousness, and a psychological openness that expands the energy body. Orgasm always requires openness, so the tiniest bit of relaxation on any level, however achieved, is a good thing. As we know by now, relaxation is basic to orgasm, even a conventional orgasm. The orgasmic state tends to follow upon being more natural, dropping parts of our artificial, social selves. A woman often thinks that she is required to be open to a man before she even shows herself or can relax in sex or explore sex. But this is a misunderstanding. When people are open they are open
to themselves
first of all. By virtue of
their being
open, they open up to another person. So opening to ourselves comes first and foremost, and as we open up we become aware of the many unconscious tensions in the body: where and how we hold ourselves so tight. Many women’s bodies are extremely hard to the touch, with contours that are not at all feminine. Tensions act as a subtle form of protection and defense against vulnerability. We fear an unloving reaction, based on previous experience. Even though these reactions may be absolutely valid in their own way, reimagining yourself, perceiving yourself from another angle, and opening into your femininity all require a vulnerability and healing of past wounds that is liberating and revitalizing.

A woman shares her experience:
“I begin to love being present more and more, just as a means unto itself. I notice over and over again that I actually feel more satisfied after two hours of soft penetration than after a so-called fuck. Today I felt very horny twice and then realized I did not feel anything in my vagina; the source was absolutely in the mind. When the wanting comes, a key for me is to bring the energy back to the source of the wanting, and I am again flooded with energy.”

To explore unknown territory always requires courage, but the
rewards are huge. We step away from our inherited ideas to discover that simple
relaxation is quite thrilling. It takes us far beyond the enjoyment of sexual
pleasure by providing the possibility of sexual ecstasy.

The Difference between Lust and Passion

In doing research on sexuality I have found precious gems of insight along the way. One comes from Barry Long, the Australian spiritual and tantric master who has made an immeasurable contribution to returning men and women to their true, loving, sexual selves.*
¹
While he does not incorporate some of the polarity insights that are basic to the ancient tantric teachings (for example, he ignores the breasts), Long does give women a tremendous amount of support and inspiration. His specific guidance in sex is that a woman should remain very still and very present. And he uses the beautiful phrase “passionately undemonstrative” to describe the state to which women should aspire. At first glance these two words appear to be opposing, and an inevitable question pops up—how on earth can passion be undemonstrative? To us it may seem that passion is demonstration itself—the ultimate demonstration.

To understand fully what Barry Long is suggesting, we need to clear up our confusion about lust and passion and what these two states represent. Interestingly, Long says that “passion is pure presence.” In conventional
sex, when we are not present because of our interest in orgasm, most of us
experience lust and mistakenly think it is passion. In reality, lust is linked
to stimulation and excitement and somehow being out of control. Lust almost
always has a direction and an end point. In contrast, passion is the
experiencing of the intensity of the moment with inner stillness—not
necessarily without movement! A highly passionate state can be stepped out of at
any time in case of emergency (to take an important call, for example) without
any “ruffling of feathers.” But lust that is not completely satisfied will leave you frustrated and upset, more like a bird that just got all its feathers wet. Passion is not necessarily active or outgoing; it is a state of being in which every cell in the body is vibrant, flowering with life. When a woman becomes passionate she falls into alignment with her
inner body polarity, becoming utterly present in every cell, exuding an
invitation but taking no direct action. This is the state of being passionately undemonstrative. In this state, a man is able to truly respond as man. When a woman is able to get herself into some semblance of inner “order,” then a man can stop running around in sexual circles like a dog chasing its own tail. When a man experiences his energy being received by a woman, moving through his woman and thus through himself, his life is changed, something deep falls into place. He has been waiting for that moment all of his life.

While heeding and exploring Barry Long’s insight, Osho says, “be wild, but do not become unconscious.”
¹
Notice that Osho’s words warn against unconsciousness but certainly not against wildness. Wildness in this sense means a state of passionate wildness, not lustful wildness as we commonly experience it. He says that in that state, wildness is beautiful and there is nothing wrong in it; because the more wild, the more alive. “Then you are just like a wild tiger or a wild deer running in the forest . . . and the beauty of it!”

The Solar Plexus and the Third Eye

True passion arises in a woman through the solar plexus being open and free of hindering tensions. The solar plexus is a tremendous source of the love force and of genuine spontaneity. For this reason it is a highly significant area to become attuned to, connect with internally, and hold in your awareness while making love. For many people the power of this third energy center is blocked, through tensions from controlling, struggling with others, and suppressing feelings. (The negative effects of these will be covered in more depth in chapter 10.)

In much the same way, the third eye—the sixth energy center, situated between the eyebrows—has power in influencing the sexual energy to rise, although for women it should not be a point of extreme focus, especially in the initial phase of exploration. Far more important for woman is the connection to the breasts, the expansion at the heart center. From here the third eye (so called because its tissues resemble the
retina of the real eyes) will open as a by-product. With the third eye activated, a woman becomes a visionary and a source of true wisdom. In the awareness and sensitivity exercise at the end of the chapter are tips on how to connect internally with the solar plexus and third eye. These techniques can also be used while making love, amplifying a woman’s internal experience.

Ecstasy Is Cool, Not Hot

For a woman with an inner openness to herself, sex becomes a cool experience, even if it can get wild at times. Our ideas inherited from conventional sex leave us with the imprint that ecstasy is a hot, steamy, and overwhelming affair. But in reality, bliss and ecstasy engender the ultimate experience of coolness.

It is important to grasp that the word
cool
does not mean cold, with its negative connotations.
Coolness
is the experience of being rooted in yourself first and foremost. Eternal bliss is sometimes described by the
enlightened ones as being cool as the eternal snow on the Himalayas. Certainly every blissful person I ever met was never hot and excited and jumping up and down all the time, but instead was wonderfully serene, inwardly composed, and simultaneously passionate and alive. To reach such a state of blissful passion might seem light years away; but any journey can start with a few tentative steps. The key is to relax into oneself first. This naturally places woman in a more passive role, where she
responds
according to the polarity and does not
react
according to the personality. Being passionately undemonstrative produces a dynamic, attractive force that draws man toward you as you repose in body and being.

As we have come to realize, for orgasm to unfold and flower into a meaningful experience, a woman needs
time
—for preparation, for opening up—before the actual sexual exchange begins to appeal to her. The female body requires loving foreplay, with prolonged kissing of the lips, sensitive and featherlight caressing, and touching advances to awaken her yearning to make love. Real clock time is required, though when an
orgasmic state arises one moves into an experience of complete timelessness. Five minutes can feel like five hours, and vice versa. The minimum time for lovemaking should be about forty-five minutes to an hour, and of course two to three hours is even better. Once in a while, take a whole day in bed, making love again and again and again.

In general, people think about sex more than they actually have it. When they eventually get around to it, it’s over in a few short minutes. Many a woman perceives herself as frigid because she cannot open up so quickly to a man (and because some man has told her she is so). This is not frigidity. This is a natural reluctance to enter the sex act the way it is commonly done these days—as just another task in a busy day, without adequate preparation. If given sufficient time, women
love
to make love—especially when warmed up to a full-body
yes.

In foreplay, much depends too on the intention and awareness of the
giver
of the touch or the kisser of the breasts, lips, and nipples. The intention
prowling behind the scene can be to excite and make horny and lustful. The opposite intention would be to love, to innocently say a sweet hello, to awaken from slumber. The role of foreplay is to energetically raise the octave in woman; however, when a man’s intentions are loving, raising the woman’s sexual temperature is
not
always an absolute necessity. You might embrace and caress for hours, or you might just “plug in” with soft penetration as explained in chapter 8. When lovers take the serene approach to sex and the man offers the famous “cool hand” to his woman, she will start to really turn on, perhaps even to her own surprise. As the woman melts into her female positive pole at the breasts, the man can focus on his own positive pole, in the perineum, central to the pelvic floor, rather than in the head of the penis itself. The energy then rises upward by itself. You do not have to concern yourself with the ascending energy: it happens without you. Your focus is in retaining the energy, not letting it leak out. A leaking pool has to be sealed before it can fill up. Both of you can relax, floating in that filling pool. Stay with it. Don’t be tempted to pursue some avenues of excitement that send you racing off to the end.

Make a Date to Make Love

When you notice that there is a shortage of intimacy in your life, when daily commitments get in the way of your love life, when lovemaking ceases to flow spontaneously, then you need to intentionally make a date with your partner. Make special appointments to meet and dedicate your time entirely to making love—just like you make an appointment to meet a friend for dinner, or go to a party or to a business meeting.

This may sound a bit unromantic but it works extremely well. Each person
comes prepared to make love, and it ceases to be an accidental happening. In time your lovemaking feels similar to two instruments tuning to one another, to create a beautiful piece of music. Bodies are indeed like musical instruments in that orgasmic states are created through fine-tuning and sensitivity. Mastering a musical instrument requires tremendous dedication and practice; in the same way, it requires lots of practice in making love to create ecstatic experiences until one gets the real hang of it. A musical maestro has to practice daily; if he doesn’t he soon notices it, and within a few days his audience notices it. The more you make love, the finer your experiences become.

Tantric “quickies” are very much the order of the day when there is not adequate time to arrange a love meeting. Or, when it is late at night and you’re a bit tired, plugging in for ten or fifteen minutes with soft penetration before sleep is a wonderful way to end the day. It transforms the rest of your day when you plug in before going to work in the morning. The beauty of the tantric approach to sex is that you don’t need heaps of energy to make love; neither do you have to feel horny or sexually charged—you don’t go that long without making love. Instead, you begin to have sex as a matter of course, just as you have dinner and breakfast. Love is essential food. There is no need to wait around for lust to overtake you. Many women begin to feel the failure of lust in their lives as they get older and think that their sexuality is failing them. They don’t yet recognize that excitement cannot last forever and that coolness and relaxation can take its place. It’s pointless to long for or look for the former signs of the strong, fierce sexuality you experienced when you were younger. You do not even
have to really “feel like” making love; if you go ahead and open yourself and your body to love, in so doing you will receive endless love.

More Women Sharing Their Experiences

“Something new occurred in making love. It happened to me twice in the last weeks. When we were together, with very little and slow movements, orgasm came, and it felt completely different from the orgasm that I knew before. I ask myself if it is vaginal orgasm and if it is the orgasm that comes by itself when the body likes to orgasm? It was very soft, nonexciting, quiet. Afterward I felt filled up with new energy.”

“Lovemaking has started happening, really in the sense of generating love. Also, my pleasure and my physical sensations are very strong. I am aware of this border between voluptuous space and sexuality—any small ‘breaking of the rules’ immediately brings a different space, and changes the union experienced before.”

“I was totally in my mind and thinking during lovemaking in the
afternoon. I felt that my husband was moving too slowly because I was wishing for the old release, but after a while my usual approach did not work—my husband tried it but suddenly I realized that I did not want it.

Then I told him my feelings, that I did not want to continue looking for an orgasm, and told him that I wanted to now go inside, so I closed my eyes and did so. All this time we were in penetration. When I came back we looked in each other’s eyes and for a few minutes he slowly, slowly moved his penis inside me. I had an explosion of energy, in the vagina first and then very soon after that in the head. It was another dimension of energy. I think it was an orgasm, but not of a sexual quality—it was one from another world. I cried intensely and then I was laughing. At first my husband was confused and then we were totally together.”

“We decided to sit in silence for a few minutes after making love, and that was great—the energy turned in again and I felt very silent and centered.”

“My
aha!
of the day was when I realized that
‘presence’ in itself brings a feeling of total well-being, even ecstasy, even though ‘nothing’ happened, even though there was tension and an intense burning in my vagina, even though my partner was freaked out. So nothing was perfect. Still, I experienced such a feeling of being present. The eye contact, the breathing, the awareness of my vagina, of the birds outside, of the river. Everything became perfect with my acceptance.”

“In my relationship we’ve both always wanted to move somewhere else with our lovemaking, but we didn’t know how. There’s a part that’s delighted and another part that is scared, but we both don’t want to turn around and go back to the old. It is very beautiful and very fragile.”

“The more I relax inside the more I encounter a sudden feeling of lovingness—it comes and goes and has nothing to do with personal/ psychological stuff—it is not emotion. It has nothing to do with me.”

“This is the first time I’ve touched that part of my body. . . . I can feel my pelvic floor, my ovaries, my uterus from the inside—there is so much more space.”

“We are having a very good time. After meeting with you I started to understand lovemaking on a deeper level. There was much more relaxation and I was no longer waiting for ‘ecstatic energy things.’ I started to see making love as another form of meditation, relaxation, and regeneration, not as a means for having ‘super sex.’ Now we enjoy all kinds of sex as it is expressing itself right in the very moment.”

“We are well and happily making love. Our lives are going in different directions in one way, as my work is so different from my partner’s and I am away a lot. However, having our regular dates for lovemaking, which we give just as much priority as anything else, it doesn’t seem to matter. It is a rhythm of being apart and being together that feels very good, and it is a great experience for me. My man tells me that it is great for him too. This being together in love makes such a lot of difference! It leaves so much
room for other things that we don’t share without making us feel we are drifting apart.

“Lovemaking sometimes seems to me like it is about experiencing the full
range of living life. It’s the process of unlearning so much, of just being and
experiencing whatever is happening at this very moment. It is so interesting to
observe what happens when I am in my mind, entertaining concepts about how things should be or should not be versus when I am just fully present to whatever there is, loving every moment of it. Lovemaking like this is like a life school for me, and I am learning a lot by shifting my focus from ‘shoulds’ or ‘should nots’ to paths of fun and ecstasy. This has a strong effect on my work and on my whole life, which in return enhances the quality of our lovemaking. So it’s just great.”

“Even though in my mind I knew already that I did not have to please my man, I noticed that wanting to please still came up at times as a subtle pressure in my body. It showed itself in slight tension and a loss of energy sensations, and after some time even in not being interested in sex at all. This brought me into a deep insecurity and the feeling of being dysfunctional. For me it has been very important to have support from other women who have already been through these issues, which encouraged me to find my own truth—maybe it is even better to say ‘to trust the truth of my body.’ When I began to see the start of lovemaking as a soft, relaxed, and curious search for the entrance into a delicious and beautiful love garden instead of an effort to ‘come into my energy,’ things changed. It was no longer my responsibility to find my sexual energy to make my beloved happy. It became more like a journey together through a labyrinth, and the guide is my body. Both of us—my beloved and I—don’t know where the entrance is today, because there is no recipe and it can be somewhere else every day, the way in can be new every time.

“Sometimes we find the way in, sometimes not. But if not, it is no longer my ‘fault’ for not being sexual enough. There is mystery to finding the ‘magic word’ to open the door. And to find this entrance it becomes totally important to listen to every little sign the body gives—to feel whether any touch or movement or even any thought is opening me up or closing me
down and to dare to share this with my beloved, sometimes with words and sometimes with body language. It is beautiful if the man is able to surrender and let himself be taken by ‘the hand’ of the woman’s body, so that the woman’s body is allowed to be the guide for both. But if this is not possible for him, or if he is disappointed, I think it is important for the woman to go on trusting her own body and not to compromise. For me this way of love-making is still not easy all the time, but I definitely feel it this is the right way for me.”