The Ace (17 page)

“Oh,” she said quietly. “I saw some of the articles and heard some of the reporters on TV, but just assumed it was reporters being reporters since you didn’t seem any different when we were together. It’s not like you ever acted like you were worried about things and you never said anything. Well, not that you would say anything to me...” she trailed off and looked away.

“I haven’t said anything to anyone and I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself and not repeat this to even Maddie or Chase. Nobody can know I’m concerned about it.”

“Of course. I won’t say anything.”

He nodded and heavy silence fell over them. Jerry felt like he had to say something to narrow the expanse that suddenly lay between them. “I don’t mean to sound like an insensitive jerk, but I just really need you to understand where I’m coming from and why I can’t be in a relationship right now.”

“No,” Karen said as she shook her head and looked away. “I understand exactly what you’re saying.”

“It’s nothing against you.”

Karen gave a sad laugh at his version of “it’s not you, it’s me.”

“Of course not.” Her voice broke at the end and she clenched her eyes shut, humiliated.

Jerry heard it too and reached out to her. “Karen...”

Her eyes flew open and she backed away from him. “No, don’t. Please don’t touch me.” She stepped off the bed and stood against the wall, out of his reach. “I think...no, not think, we
have
to stop.”

His heart stuttered at her words and fresh, blood-freezing panic shot through him. He didn’t stop to understand what that meant; he just knew that he couldn’t go along with it. It bothered him that she wasn’t her usual combative self. He knew how to deal with that, maybe even preferred it. Seeing her so exposed and fragile, Jerry didn’t know what to do or what to say and it unnerved him.

There was something between them, some connection he’d never felt before, and he wasn’t ready to let it go. He knew things were getting messy, nothing was as simple as they had set it out to be, but he refused to walk away. He rejected any scenario that didn’t include Karen in his life.

“Karen, I don’t think we need to go there.”

“We have to.”

“Why? It’s amazing between us,” he pleaded. “Why would you stop that?”

“Jerry, please...” she said, her eyes big and beseeching.

He got up and stood in front of her, crowding her. He felt physical pain at her retreat. “I can’t.”

She swallowed thickly and pressed herself against the wall, looking as if she wished she could disappear through it, desperate to get away from him. “You have to let me go,” she whispered.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.” Karen looked up at him and he saw the shift in her. Strong, bold eyes now met his, the wary look he’d seen before all but gone. He had to do whatever he could to convince her not to break things off between them and if he had to play unfair, he would. Anything not to lose what they had.

Jerry placed his palms on the wall, caging her head, and leaned down to her. As he got closer, her breath grew raspy, coming hard and fast as her chest heaved up and down. He eyed her intently, gauging her response as he reached down and tugged the hem of her T-shirt over her hip. Karen was fighting her reaction to him, he felt the resistance in the lines of her body, but he could also see she was starting to waver.

“You can’t mean that,” he said in a husky voice.

She tried to push him away, but there wasn’t much conviction behind it. “Stop. This is wrong.”

“Baby, this is far from wrong and you know it.”

His other hand snaked down as he pulled her closer and leaned in to nuzzle her neck.

“I’m trying to convince myself that we need to end this and you’re not helping,” she whispered.

“And why would I want to help you with that?” he said softly near her ear.

“Jerry, believe me, it would be better for both of us. We’ll just end up hurting each other or worse, hating each other.”

He grabbed her hips and walked them backward to the bed. He sat down and placed her astride his lap as he pulled the T-shirt over her head. “I don’t believe it.”

His mouth captured hers before she could say anything more. He turned them over and rose above her as he continued to kiss her, slowly and passionately. He had to pull out all the stops and persuade her not to put an end to them. Jerry refused to consider his life without her. It would be empty, a cold shell of what it was before her, and he had no doubt of that. Jerry knew what he was doing was wrong, he was being that selfish asshole that he’d sworn he wouldn’t be, but he couldn’t stop himself. He needed her and wanted her too much to turn away. He couldn’t let her go, but he couldn’t make any promises either.

He pulled back and gazed down at her. Her eyes were dreamy and dark with passion, her cheeks flushed with a deep pink and her lips plush and moist. He had never seen anything so beautiful. “I like you, Karen.”

“I like you too.”

“I want to be with you.”

“I want to be with you too.”

“Don’t end this, please.”

Karen reached up and trailed her fingers through his short hair, causing his eyes to briefly close at the contact. “I can’t make any promises,” she whispered. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Trust me, you don’t want to fall in love with an idiot like me.”

“You? I’m the hot mess, remember?” she said.

“That’s for damn sure,” Jerry said as he leaned in and gently kissed her. “But I can’t think of a hot mess I’d rather be with than you.”

“So what do we do now?”

He quirked one brow. “We continue to mess up our lives and feel good about it?”

She gave him a sad smile as she reached up and pulled him down to her. “I can live with that,” she said before she caught his mouth with hers. “For now.”

“That’s all I can ask for.”

Chapter Seventeen

Five days later, Jerry trotted out to the pitcher’s mound at the start of a night game and prepped himself. He felt good. His last outing had been a gem and he wanted to repeat it. He knew the opposing team well, knew exactly what he had to do to get a check in the win column.

It was a home game against the Houston Wranglers and there wasn’t a better place to continue his upward swing than in front of the home crowd. The support from the stands only helped to fuel his already pumping adrenaline and get him ready for the game. He had to give them what they paid good money for and that was nine straight solid innings. Anything less was unacceptable.

As good as he felt physically, however, he couldn’t shake the nagging doubt in the back of his mind that his last game had been a fluke; even the papers had wondered the same. It seemed everywhere he looked—in the paper, online and on TV—there was someone spewing their opinions about him, his struggles and their theories on the reasons behind them. Every time, it ended with the now infamous contract and a question about whether the Rockets should have given it to him. He tried to ignore it as much as he could, but he found it impossible to block it all out completely.

Then add to that, everything with Karen. Even though Jerry tried to tell himself that he was happy they were still going along with their original agreement, that nothing had changed, he knew he didn’t actually believe it. His head felt jam-packed and jumbled, a recipe for disaster.

There were too many people on the mound with him when it should only be him, so he had to get his personal life out of the game. He couldn’t let it shake his confidence, because Jerry knew once he stood up on the hill and felt an ounce of doubt, he was in trouble. He had to figure out whatever his issue was and fix it before things totally fell apart. Once that happened, then he was in deep and there might not be light at the end of that tunnel.

He took a big breath and rolled his shoulders, trying to shake off some of the uneasiness he felt hanging on him and threw some warm-up pitches to Buck. He shrugged his shoulders again, trying to loosen them, but was still unable to relieve the tension. He could do this. He was a good pitcher, he knew that, and he just had to get his swagger back.

When the first batter stepped up to the plate, Jerry toed the rubber and tossed out a fastball to start the ball game. He got out the leadoff hitter and the two-hole—the second spot in the lineup—but he walked the third and fourth batters on eight straight pitches. The fifth batter hit a single to short centerfield and, before Jerry knew it, the bases were loaded.

A nervous buzz went through the crowd, unsettled at witnessing their Ace get into trouble so early in the game. Jerry stepped off the hill and strolled around, trying to calm his racing mind. Matt came out of his crouch from behind the plate and Coach Smith walked out of the dugout. They all met at the mound, with Coach doing the majority of the talking, even though he really wasn’t saying much, just trying to buy Jerry some time in order to calm down. Jerry knew what he had to do and now he just had to execute. Plain and simple.

When Matt was back in position, he signaled for the breaking ball and Jerry agreed to it, hoping it would drop off sharply as the batter swung, causing him to miss completely. He wound up and threw, but as he released it, he could feel he was off. It wasn’t going to break and it was going to be straight down the heart of the plate. The batter’s eyes widened as he recognized this. He swung hard and, with an earth-shattering smack, sent it out over the wall in left field for a grand slam. Not even out of the first inning and the Rockets were down by four runs.

Jerry swore as he punched his glove with his fist before resting his hands on his knees and hanging his head, frantically trying to keep himself composed. His emotions were all over the place and they were getting the best of him, but he didn’t know what to do anymore. It seemed the harder he tried to relax, the worse it got.

Hopelessness washed over him, a heavy curtain coming down early before the end of an act, and he was suddenly desperate for anything that resembled normalcy. His career was falling apart around him and he was helpless to stop it. It was as if overnight he’d forgotten how to pitch and he was an amateur trying to strike out the big boys. He could hear the fans booing and he didn’t blame them. He would be booing right along with them.

After giving up the grand slam, Jerry continued to struggle. His mind was a loud, chaotic riot that tensed him up even further, and before he could make sense of anything, somehow the bases were loaded again. When Coach Brooklyn came out, Jerry knew his time was up. They were yanking him, the Ace, out of the game in the opening inning, for the first time ever.

The long walk from the mound to the dugout was humiliating. The crowd watched in stunned silence, not understanding what was happening with their beloved adopted son, and it took everything he had not to run, to get out of there and away from the stares as quickly as possible. Jerry kept his eyes on the ground, and focused on keeping the expression on his face collected until he was safely hidden from the public and any cameras. His teammates avoided him as he came down the steps, and no one tried to stop him as he continued straight into the tunnel toward the locker room, knowing he needed to be alone.

He didn’t even pause to think about what he was doing. He felt sick and frazzled, and he had to get out of there before he went crazy. Jerry tore off his uniform and showered without stopping to catch his breath.

Before he knew it, he was dressed and heading in the direction of his car even though he had no doubt he was going to get reamed out by his coaches for leaving the stadium while the game was still being played. He was expected to stick around to support his teammates, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t sit there and watch as everyone avoided him, tiptoed around him, not knowing how to respond to this drastic turn of events.

The security guard gave him a startled look but then saw the darkness on Jerry’s face and nodded quickly before dropping his eyes. Jerry screeched out of the garage and onto the street still filled with people making their way to the ballpark. His night had ended before all of the fans had even arrived. God, he was a loser.

He put his sunglasses on and kept his face down, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone until he was out of the city and away from the park.

Karen
, he thought, her name appearing in bright lights in his mind.

He didn’t question why she was the first one he thought of before reaching into his pocket to pull out his cell phone. He found her in his contact list and dialed her number.

She answered on the second ring, the confusion in her voice very clear.

“Jerry?”

“I need to see you, please. Can you meet me at my place?

“Why are you not at the game? Aren’t you starting?”

“Please just meet me at my place. I don’t want to talk about this over the phone. Can you do that?”

* * *

Karen agreed, not liking the distress she heard in his voice. When she arrived at his condo a half an hour later, she walked in the door he’d left open and found him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

She remained by the door, unsure of what to do having never seen him look so distraught before. Fresh panic surged through her and her heartbeat kicked up a beat. This was girlfriend duty and, as they had determined the other night, she was not his girlfriend. Far from it. They were crossing the line into dangerous territory again and she was left struggling with what to do.

He slouched back and looked at the ceiling as if the answers he was seeking were up there. “I don’t know what to even think anymore. I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I take it things didn’t go well tonight,” she said quietly from her perch.

“That’s a fucking understatement. They yanked me in the first inning. I had two outs, loaded the bases and then gave up a grand slam before loading the bases again.” He stood up and started to pace around the small room. “The first
fucking
inning. That’s never happened to me before. I can’t figure out what my issue is. I’ve watched tape after tape and I can’t figure out what my fucking issue is.”

Karen watched as he stalked around, a giant ball of angry, frustrated and panicked energy and she felt it tug at her heart. She wanted to wrap him in her arms, tell him everything was okay and would work itself out, that he was the Ace for crying out loud, but she couldn’t do that. There was nothing more than great sex between them, he had even said so himself, and she had to remember that, keep repeating it in order to protect herself. That was all that mattered.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she murmured.

His head jerked up and he scowled at her, seeing that she hadn’t moved from the door. “Are you going to stand there all night?”

“I was just trying to stay out of your way,” Karen said with feigned indifference.

Jerry finally noticed her discomfort. “Is there a problem?”

“No.”

“I’m not getting a real friendly vibe here,” he said as he pointed between them. “It’s like you’re uncomfortable or something.”

“I guess I’m just wondering...” She broke off and looked away, not sure how to continue.

He stalked over to her. “Wondering what?”

Barely restrained fury was rolling off him in waves, but she didn’t shrink away. “Why you called me, I guess.”

Both of his eyebrows shot up in surprise as he continued to stare at her, trying to determine if she was serious or not. Apparently deciding that she was, Jerry crossed his arms. “And why wouldn’t I call you?”

“I don’t know,” she said as she stepped around him and went to the couch. “I’m not your girlfriend, as we clearly decided the other night. It’s just fun, remember?” she said, throwing his words back at him.

“I know what I said,” he ground out between gritted teeth. “So that means you’re not my friend?”

“It’s not the same, Jerry, and you know that.”

“I know it isn’t the same, but I guess I didn’t realize it made a difference in this situation.”

Karen knew she sounded petty, almost whiny, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I can’t keep up with you. I don’t know what you expect of me.”

“I guess I expect a friendly ear, Karen. Someone to listen and help out, but I guess that’s asking too much from you, huh?”

“Stop mixing it all up!” she yelled, tired of feeling confused and frustrated by his constantly changing rules. He continually floated over the invisible line, going with whatever best suited what he wanted at that moment. His actions never aligned with his words, but he was adamant that wasn’t the case, continuously insisting that all he wanted was something casual and that they were just friends. “Stop acting one way and then switching gears and getting pissed at me when I can’t follow along!”

“I’m not doing anything!” Jerry shouted back, his deep voice reverberating around the small living room. “I’m just looking for a friend. That’s all. Simple as that. I’ve had a shitty night and I just needed to get it off my chest.”

“Why me?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“Why...” he started to repeat, but broke off as he kicked the floor in frustration before looking back at her with pleading eyes. “Why
not
you?”

“That’s exactly my question,” she said evenly. “Why am I the first person you reached out to?”

“Who would you rather me call?”

“I don’t know,” Karen said as she threw her hands up. “There’s got to be other people you’re close to, not just some girl you have sex with every once in a while. Chase, another teammate, your parents, anyone else...”

“Anyone else,” he repeated quietly. Jerry sat on the arm of the couch and stared at her, all emotion completely washed off his face. “Really? So, it’s like that, huh?” he asked calmly.

“Stop it!” She was so done with the way he twisted everything around that she was on the verge of frustrated tears.

“No, no,” Jerry said easily. He shrugged as if he couldn’t care less. “I get it, I get it.”

He stood up and walked over to the open door, standing with his hand on the handle. “Well, since I’ve had a really,
really
crappy day, I’m not really in the mood, Karen. I think we can call it a night.”

Her shoulders stiffened and she stared at him before shaking her head as she stormed over to the door. Before stepping out, she stopped and glared at him. “You’re really an asshole, you know that.”

His eyes were cold and hard on hers, but he gave her a big grin. “I love you too, baby.”

Karen stepped out and he slammed the door behind her, causing her to flinch, but she refused to turn around. She was tired of his games. She was right to believe all men were scum. It didn’t matter how much money he made, how fast he threw a baseball, how good-looking he was, how he made her toes curl or her heart pitter-patter, Jerry was a man and all men sucked. She was done.

* * *

Jerry returned to the park the next day for practice with a forced, composed expression on his face, wanting to appear undisturbed by what had transpired the night before. His teammates couldn’t know that he’d lain awake the whole night going back and forth between what had happened with the game and then the blowup with Karen. He had no idea what to do with her and, since he knew more about pitching than he did women, he decided to start there and deal with her later.

Stepping into the locker room, he exchanged subdued greetings with some of his teammates who had yet to take to the field for practice. Just as he was reaching to pull his T-shirt over his head, his pitching coach stepped into the room and called out to him.

“Smutty, in the Skip’s office please.”

Even though he’d been expecting this, he still cringed internally. He sighed as he avoided eye contact with those around him and walked over to the head coach’s office. Coach Brooklyn nodded toward the door.

“Shut the door and sit down, if you would.”

Jerry glanced at Coach Smith, not liking the vibe he was getting, but shut the door and sat in one of the chairs opposite the desk.