The American Lover (12 page)

She reached over and squeezed my hand as she smiled at me gratefully. The look on her sweet little face made me really glad I'd gotten her to stay the night, and the thought that maybe I was in some small part responsible for that lovely smile was surprisingly gratifying.

“No big deal. I told you I was a good listener. That, and dishing out one of my special deluxe hugs was all I did. And I hope I'm not so much of a stranger now either. Like I told you, I prefer to think of us as friends,” I smiled.

“I guess after everything we shared yesterday, I can hardly call you a stranger, even if you are about to head off to the other side of the world. Oh, crap, what time is your flight? When do you have to leave for the airport? Sorry, I should have thought to check with you yesterday,” Faith suddenly worried.

“Relax, I don't fly home until tomorrow.  London happens to be one of my favorite cities, so I tacked an extra day on the end of my trip. I figured I’d spend a little extra time here this time, rather than just fly straight in and out,” I explained.

“Oh, right. That’s good then, but I'd still better get my things together and get out of your hair.”

“Hey, there’s no big rush. What time are you meeting with your folks?”

“Not till ten, but I need to go home and shower, get myself together, to look as normal as possible in their eyes.”

“It’s only just seven, Faith. There’s plenty of time. And you can shower here.”

“I also need to get back to feed Stan, otherwise my poor cat will think he’s been deserted, especially as Harry’s away at the moment, so he can't decamp upstairs to her flat.” Faith seemed anxious to find a reason, any reason, to make her escape, but I didn't want her to feel that she had to rush off.  I didn't want her to feel bad about having spent the night with me, not when the whole point had been to help her move on and feel more optimistic about the future.

“I'm sure it won’t hurt your cat to wait a little longer. Just stay a while.  Talk to me, tell me how you’re feeling,” I urged.  

“Me? I’m fine now,” she replied breezily, while plastering a false smile on her face.

“Come on, Faith.  I thought you just agreed you don't have to put up a shield with me. So I'll ask you again, and I don't want any bullshit this time. How are you really feeling after last night?”

She sighed as she looked at me.

“Honest answer? Confused, because I have so many conflicting feelings and thoughts in my head right now.”

“Talk to me about them,” I persisted.

“Well, first off, I have to tell you that the sex was pretty awesome, and I really enjoyed it, no question.  So I’m very happy about that, obviously. But then…well, you know what happened next. It all came crashing down around me, because as soon as I came down off the high from having sex, the old memories swept back in to wash away all the new good feelings. I felt as if… as if…”

Her chin wobbled as she couldn’t bring herself to complete the sentence.

“As if you’d cheated on Drew?” I finished off for her.

“Yes.  Which the logical part of my brain knows is stupid, that he’d understand, that I'm doing the right thing in trying to take the next step in moving on, but when those feelings hit, they’re so strong that logic goes out of the window, and all that’s left is raw pain that literally rips up my heart.”

“I’m sorry it still hits you that bad,” I murmured, as I gripped her hand.

“Yes, but at least you helped me through it until the worst had passed.  I can't believe how well I slept in the end after all that, instead of tossing and turning all night as I normally would, and that’s all down to you.  You made a huge difference, Caleb, and I can't thank you enough. At least I’ll be a bit better prepared next time, whenever I can pluck up the courage to have sex again, and hopefully it’ll be a little easier next time. That’s usually how it works with me, with trying to move on.  I guess it’s a bit like a gradual desensitizing process.”

“Well, I have a suggestion for you, seeing as we have some time on our hands. No time like the present, so how about we put your theory to the test right now, by sharing some more awesome sex?”

“Seriously? After what I put you through last night? You’d be prepared to risk that again?” she asked disbelievingly.

“I certainly would. You do know that you are pretty sensational in bed, don't you?” I reached over and gently stroked her cheek. Usually, to keep things from getting too personal, I kept eye contact to a minimum when I fucked a woman.  But I’d broken that rule last night with Faith, and now I found myself unable to resist looking into those pretty, soft blue eyes of hers again.

“Am I?” she whispered, as she leaned her face into my hand

“Oh yes. Most definitely.”

“Look, Caleb, that’s really good to hear, and I’m flattered, but I really don’t think us having sex again this morning would be a good idea.  I’m sorry, but I just can't risk falling apart again like I did last night, not when I have to be really strong today,” she sighed.

“That’s okay, it was just a thought, that’s all. No big deal.” I smiled, concealing my disappointment, understanding where she was coming from.

“But…” she hesitated.

“But?”

“Maybe I could just have another of your great hugs? Could you just hold me for a few minutes before I go?”

“You got it, honey.” I pulled her into my arms as I lay back on the bed, and held her tightly against me.  “And there’s really no rush for you to leave. Stay and have breakfast with me, I can order in room service if you like.”

“No, I’ll only stay a few minutes, then I really must make a move.  But just being held like this feels incredibly nice, so thank you,” she said as she snuggled against me.

“My absolute pleasure,” I murmured, surprising myself at how true it was. “So, I take it you’ll be spending all day with your folks?”

“Pretty much.”

“How about this evening?”

“Not sure yet, to be honest. I think I’ll have had enough of my family by then - there is a limit to how long I can keep up the whole ‘brave face’ thing,” she sighed.

“You could spend the evening with me. Stay the night again, if you wanted. One last chance before I fly back home, because I hope by now you feel you can be yourself and open up with me about how you’re really feeling.”

I ignored the little voice warning me against getting too involved - just one more evening spent in the company of a friend was no big deal, right?

“You mean another desensitizing session, with you as my therapist?” she joked.

“Yeah, if you want to look at it like that. Dr. Caleb prescribes one last final session,” I quipped back.

“Tempting, I must say. But you must be sick of me and all my crazy shit by now. And anyway, I'm not sure I’ll be very good company, to be honest. It’s going to be hard keeping cheerful through all the wedding stuff with Bryony, Megan and Mum.  I might just want to come home and have a good cry by myself.”

“See, even if that is how you feel, I don't think that would be a very good idea. Dr. Caleb advises that brooding and wallowing alone is not good for you.” I wagged my finger at her. “And I don't mind if all you want is another of my great hugs to help soothe away all those jagged edges.”

“Yeah, you do give really great hugs, Caleb, can't argue with that,” she agreed, which was good to hear, seeing as Cassie had never wanted me to cuddle or hug her. She’d always push me away, complaining that I was mussing up her hair, or ruining her makeup, or creasing her clothes, or some other excuse she’d come up with.
 

“How about we see how things go? Maybe we could meet up later on, but if in the mean time you get a better offer, I’ll totally understand,” Faith suggested rather vaguely.

“I’m not exactly sure what impression you’ve gotten of me, Faith, but do you really think I’ll already be so desperate for sex again that I’ll be out prowling the streets of London in search of a quick lay?” I really didn’t like the way she seemed to have put me into some kind of man-whore category.
Because it was too close to the truth, maybe? Because I didn't like seeing myself through her eyes?

“I didn't mean it like that, Caleb. But you said yourself you’re a free agent, free to hook up with anyone. And trust me, a guy like you will have no trouble attracting female interest, so I'm just clarifying that you don’t have to turn anyone down on my account.”

“All I'm planning to do today is visit some art galleries, and if you’d been free, I’d have asked you to join me. As you’re busy that’s not an option, but I would like to see you tonight, if you feel up to it. Sex is not necessarily on the agenda, unless you want it to be. That’s it, nothing more complicated than that. I can survive without sex for more than a day, you know.”

“I’m sorry if I've offended you, Caleb. I’m just trying to be upfront and honest, that’s all. How about we leave things open about this evening, and just see how things pan out?”

Having declined my offer to stay for breakfast, I now had the distinct impression that I was being brushed off, and I didn't like it one bit.
Maybe because these days it was usually me who did the brushing off?

“How about we say we’ll meet up, unless you call to cancel?” I offered, thinking this was a slightly less vague arrangement. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to see her again so strongly, but I put it down to the protective side she seemed to bring out in me. I needed to make sure she was okay, that sleeping with me hadn’t had any kind of detrimental effect on her.
Guilty conscience maybe? Because Faith wasn’t the usual love’em and leave’em, one night stand type?

“I’ll see if I can call you later, if I can grab a few minutes away from my sisters,” Faith suggested, as she moved away from me and started gathering up her things in readiness to leave.

“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly, thinking this was probably the best I was going to get from her, but still determined to make sure she was alright before I headed back to the States.

O
ut of habit, I checked my phone while we were all sitting having lunch, and then burst out laughing when I saw the picture message Caleb had sent me - I’d given him my mobile number earlier in the week in case he needed a lift to work. It was the cover of ‘Bridesmaid’ DVD, showing the tacky, bright pink bridesmaid dresses.

Saw this in store & thought of you.

C.

I realised everyone was staring at me, probably because they didn't hear me laughing very much these days.

“What’s so funny, Faith? Aren’t you going to let us in on the joke?” Bryony asked, as she tried to peak at my phone screen.

So far I thought I’d coped pretty well, all things considered. I’d let Mum fuss over me as she was convinced I’d lost more weight, when she saw the way some of the bridesmaid dresses hung loosely on me. I insisted that I hadn't, that the sizes were coming up large.

Trouble was, Megan was having the opposite problem. She’d put on a few pounds lately, so she was finding the dresses tight, and insisting that the sizes were coming up small.

I had to admit that the dresses Bryony ended up choosing were very pretty.  They were a slim fitting style, in a pale understated shade of green. My sister had always had excellent taste, so there’d never been any doubt in my mind that her whole wedding was going to be beautiful, tasteful and elegant.

I was trying my best not to dwell on memories of my own wedding day, which had been a small, quiet affair in the local church that had suited us perfectly.

Thankfully, Bryony and Alec were getting married in a rather grand stately home, so it was going to be a completely different type of wedding, hopefully without too many painful comparisons.

But right now, Caleb’s message was just what I needed to relieve the tension of putting on a front and being on my best behaviour for my family, especially as Mum had not very subtly insisted on buying me a huge pasta lunch, which I was struggling to eat under everyone’s watchful gaze.

“Oh, it’s just a friend from work, sending me a joke. Nothing important,” I replied casually, resisting a sudden impulse to blurt out ‘
Actually, it was the guy I begged to fuck my brains out last night’
. I wasn’t ashamed of what we’d done, but my mum and sisters didn’t need to know what I’d been up to, so I made an excuse to get away from their prying eyes.

“I’ll be back in a minute - I just need the loo.” As soon as I was out of sight, I replied to Caleb’s text.

Surprised you found that DVD in art gallery.

F

You’d be amazed at what passes for art these days.

C

You must be at the Tate Modern then.

F

How did you guess? So what time are we meeting up this evening?

C

Not sure. Will call later if I get chance.

F

And then I made myself put my phone away and return to where my family were all waiting for me. But at least I'd had a respite from their scrutiny for a few brief minutes, thanks to Caleb. And before I spoke to him, I had to get something straight in my head, an idea, a suggestion that I couldn’t make my mind up about.

Would it be total madness, or simply the next logical step, if I were to ask Caleb if he would come over and stay the night with me in my flat, instead of in his hotel? Apart from being a really great lover, he’d also been so patient with me through all my crazy shit last night, so now I was wondering if I could use him as a guinea pig again.

Another man in my flat, in my bed, who wasn’t Drew.

It would be another huge leap forward for me, but it was tonight or never, because Caleb was flying home tomorrow. This was the last chance I’d have with him, and he was the only one who could have some idea of how I might react, and who seemed to be able to handle it.

Caleb really was quite some guy.  Appearances certainly could be deceptive, because he was not at all what I’d thought on first impression, when I’d assumed he was just another arrogant Yank from head office, and a man-whore to boot.

Caleb had been so supportive and kind, so surely I’d be a fool not to at least ask him about coming over to my place, especially as he seemed keen for us to meet up again for one last time tonight.

I kept mulling this over after we’d finished our girlie lunch and headed off for some more shopping.  I let myself be dragged into some clothes shops by my sisters, where Megan practically forced me into trying some things on.

“Faith, you look amazing in those skinny jeans. I just wish I could squeeze into such a tiny size.  You have to buy them, doesn’t she Bry?” she insisted.

“Yes, Meg. No question,” Bryony agreed firmly.

Those two always ganged up on me. They looked alike, both tall, striking and dark haired, with brown eyes like Dad, whereas I was small, fair haired and blue eyed like Mum. Growing up, I’d always felt in their shadow, which I think is why my parents thought it would be good for me to go to a different school when I won the maths scholarship, that it would be a chance for me to shine on my own merits.  It wasn’t their fault it hadn't worked out that way, and that I’d ended up being bullied. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Knowing how persistent Megan could be, I gave in and bought the skinny jeans, as well as a pretty, lacy blue top that she picked out for me, because at least both items met my comfy clothing criteria.

We stopped for a well deserved coffee after a couple more hours shopping, and that was when Bryony started on at me again.

“Faith, about our wedding... look, I’m just going to come right out with a suggestion for you to think about. Alec and I have talked things over, and we’d be more than happy to invite Neil along as your plus one.”

Mum and Megan both nodded as they smiled their concurrence with whatever scheme Bryony had been cooking up. 

“You see, we know how hard it’s going to be for you on your own, and we’d hate for you to feel like the odd one out, the only one without a partner,” Bryony continued.

I stared at her incredulously. I knew she meant well, but she could be so insensitive at times. Yes, the wedding was going to be difficult, but did she really imagine having Neil there as some kind of a Drew substitute was going to make everything magically better? Neil had been Drew’s best friend, he’d been best man at our wedding, and he’d eventually taken over Drew’s business after he’d been killed.

But he wasn’t Drew.

“I don’t think that’s necessary, and anyway, I'm sure Neil wouldn’t be interested in coming along with me,” I said firmly, determined to nip their plotting in the bud.

I caught the looks that passed between Bryony, Megan and Mum.

Oh Lord, they’d obviously been conspiring together, cooking up this crackpot scheme of theirs to set me up with Neil. I hated this, hated the way they conspired behind my back to come up with ideas to make me feel better - I hated that they felt they had to, anyway. And then a horrid thought suddenly occurred to me.

“Please tell me you haven’t already spoken about this to Neil before mentioning it to me,” I asked, mortified. The poor guy would feel obliged to go along with things, wouldn’t he?

“Of course not, as if we’d do that,” Bryony huffed. “But Neil’s a great guy, and you know he would do anything for you, he always drops everything to rush over whenever you need his help. And didn't you mention he’d suggested you should go out for a drink together?”

“Neil is just looking out for me because he was Drew’s best friend. I only see him because I still do the books for the workshop, and he looks after my car in return.  He was just being polite when he mentioned about us having a drink, nothing more,” I insisted through gritted teeth.

It was true Neil was a great guy, and nice enough looking in his own way.  Not as tall and a stockier build than Drew, with darker, finer hair than his thick mop. It wasn’t fair to compare them, but of course I couldn’t help it, not when they’d been so close. They’d met as apprentices, and had really hit it off, ending up virtually as close as brothers. He’d been the logical choice to offer the business to after the accident, but after it became obvious that Neil would struggle to cope with all the admin, I’d offered to carry on doing the books for him to help out.  I also let him have the business for a bargain price, because I knew it would have been what Drew wanted.

So that was why Neil brought his paperwork over to me each month, because I couldn’t bring myself to go over to Drew’s workshop - except of course, it wasn’t Drew’s workshop anymore.

Neil and I had an unspoken understanding of how incredibly awkward and upsetting it’d be if I did go there, because I’d be upset to see it as it had been, with all the evocative smells and sounds, but I’d also be upset to see the changes Neil must have made, as he was fully entitled to do.  That’s why he always took my car away if it needed any work done on it.

Also, whenever he came over, if anything needed fixing around the flat that I couldn’t do myself, he would always do it for me, just as Drew used to for some of his lady customers. And yes, he had mentioned about us going for a drink together sometime, but I was sure that was only because he felt a duty to Drew to look out for me.

“Neil hasn’t got a girlfriend, has he?” Mum asked pointedly. “Don't you think that’s odd? I’d have thought a nice fella like him would’ve been snapped up a long time ago.”

“Maybe he’s holding a candle for
someone
. Maybe he’s just biding his time, just waiting until
someone
is ready,” Megan suggested, looking at me meaningfully.

“No! You’re wrong,” I insisted as I rolled my eyes, realising where they were going with this.

“You should see the way he looks at you, Faith. It’s obvious he worships the ground you walk on,” Megan carried on. She’d always been the soppy romantic type, which probably explained why she was trying to read something into things that simply weren’t there. My family had been round at my place occasionally when Neil had dropped in, so that was no doubt why they felt qualified to pass judgement on the poor guy.  But quite frankly, I thought they were delusional if that’s what they’d managed to read into Neil’s rather brief and awkward communications with me.

“And you have so much in common with each other. Neil understands what you’ve been through better than any other guy ever will. We’re just trying to open your eyes to someone that maybe you haven’t realised is right there under your nose, someone that could help you move on,” Bryony chimed in, as she reached over to grip my hand.

“I am moving forward, but in my own way and in my own time. And yes, Neil is a great guy, and a good friend, but I'm not interested in him in the way you’re suggesting, and I’m certain he’s not interested in me either. So please, no more match making,” I spelled out.

“Don't be so dismissive of Neil. At least give him some thought, Faith.  I think he at least deserves that from you,” Mum persisted. “Even your father likes him, and you know how hard it is for anyone to get his seal of approval.”

God, they’d even got Dad in on this. I had to bite my tongue really hard to stop myself from saying something nasty, about how it would suit them all to have me conveniently paired off with a nice man that had the entire family’s stamp of approval, just so they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. 

“I’m fine as I am, Mum. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel good about myself, so it wouldn’t be fair to lead Neil on or give him any kind of false encouragement. I’m learning to be strong on my own, because that’s what’s best for me now, instead of pinning all my hopes and dreams on someone else.  Someone who could just as easily go and get themselves killed, just like Drew did.”

There was a nasty awkward silence as Bryony, Megan and Mum stared at me. Well, they’d started on this painful topic, so now they had to put up with my honest reaction. I had to put a stop to their stupid match making, because I was never getting involved with anyone else, never going to risk going through the excruciating pain of the last couple of years
ever
again.

“Sorry if that sounds brutal, but that’s how I feel,” I shrugged. “So please, just let me get on with things in my own way, and let’s leave Neil out of the equation.”

Although I was speaking calmly, my heart was pounding, and I could feel myself flushing, as I struggled to keep calm and in control.

But at least my family had made up my mind for me about this evening. Thanks to Caleb, I’d proved that I was perfectly capable of finding my own way of moving on, so as soon as I’d made my escape from my family, leaving them to tut and shake their heads over me, I called him.

“Hey, honey, how’s things?” His gorgeous voice, so calm and laidback, was just what I needed to hear.

“I’ve reached concerned-interfering-meddling-family saturation point, and I’m about ready to implode actually,” I breathed out.

“That bad?”

“Worse. So…”

“So…?”

“If you’re still free tonight, I could really do with some distraction. But don't worry, if you’ve gone ahead and made other plans, that’s fine…”