The Birth Order Book (12 page)
Read The Birth Order Book Online
Authors: Kevin Leman
Tags: #Christian Books & Bibles, #Christian Living, #Family, #Self Help, #Health; Fitness & Dieting, #Psychology & Counseling, #Personality, #Parenting & Relationships, #Family Relationships, #Siblings, #Parenting, #Religion & Spirituality, #Self-Help, #Personal Transformation, #Relationships, #Marriage, #Counseling & Psychology
Firstborn boys are usually pressured to be the “crown prince” of the family, and firstborn girls get almost as much pressure to be the “crown princess.” It’s no wonder, then, that you can hear firstborns saying as they are growing up or even after reaching adulthood:
“Everyone depends on me.”
“I can’t get away with anything.”
“It’s tough being the oldest.”
“I was never allowed to be a kid.”
“If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.”
“If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right.”
“Boy, if I acted the way my little brother does . . .”
“Why do I have to do it? No one else does anything around here.”
A Firstborn’s Worst Nightmare
I’ve saved the worst nightmare for most firstborns (and only children) for last. I’ll just mention it here and then give it full treatment in the next two chapters. I’m talking about perfectionism. Ironically, many discouraged firstborn perfectionists challenge me, saying they can’t possibly be perfectionists because they are so messy. These little scenarios often go something like this:
| Firstborn Frank: | Your birth order system doesn't fit my family at all—you say firstborns are neat. Well, I'm a firstborn and I'm known for having the sloppiest desk in the office. In fact, the last time anyone saw the top of my desk was the day before I started working for the company. So what do you say to that, Dr. Leman? |
| Dr. Leman: | That's interesting. What do you do for a living? |
| Frank: | I'm an electrical engineer. |
| Dr. Leman: | Sounds like a very structured area—lots of math and mental discipline? |
| Frank: | True enough, but how do you account for the sloppy desk? |
| Dr. Leman: | So your desk is sloppy. Can you find what you need on it? |
| Frank: | Of course. I usually know what's in every pile. |
| Dr. Leman: | So you have order within your disorder. You are in a very disciplined occupation—engineering. And while your desk is sloppy, you still feel you are organized. My guess is you are something of a perfectionist, and perfectionists are known for having sloppy desks as a means of covering their discouragement for not always having life go just the way they want. Another thing about perfectionists—when they find one thing that is wrong or imperfect, they tend to generalize that one inconsistency and want to throw out the entire package. Maybe you're trying to throw out the birth order baby with the bathwater. |
| Frank: | I believe in being consistent and doing things right. I'm never satisfied—I always think I could do a little better job. I'm always trying harder. |
Exactly. Frank has described a discouraged perfectionist (himself) to a T. But Frank is only one example of discouraged perfectionism. I get challenged by many others:
“You don’t know my husband. He’s the oldest in his family, but he can’t fix anything around the house. Every time he takes something apart, he loses half the pieces. The only thing he has ever perfected is how to ruin the plumbing, the lawn mower. . . . Whatever he tries to repair is doomed.”
“You should live with my wife. She’s a firstborn, but the only way I can get her anywhere on time is to tell her we are due thirty to sixty minutes earlier than the actual appointment.”
I still say that people like that husband, wife, and, of course, firstborn Frank, are odds-on favorites to be discouraged perfectionists. I’ll even go so far as to say all firstborns and only children are perfectionists—many of whom become discouraged. In over thirty-five years of counseling, most of my clients have been firstborn or only children who have been masking their perfectionism with behavior that doesn’t seem to fit. Perfectionism is the major problem for almost all firstborns and only children. At worst, it can be a curse, and at best, a heavy burden. That’s why I’m dedicating the next couple of chapters to those of you who never feel good enough.
“I’m never satisfied—I always think I could do a little better job. I’m always trying harder.”
Assessing Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Are you a firstborn? Are you a compliant or an aggressive firstborn? In what areas do you struggle? In what areas do you succeed? As we end this chapter, take a look at the chart “Strengths and Weaknesses of Firstborns” below.
1. Set aside a few minutes to consider each trait. Decide if each trait is a strength or a weakness for you.
2. If the trait is a weakness, what changes could you make to improve in that area?
3. If it’s a strength, how could you capitalize on that strength or develop it even further?
Strengths and Weaknesses of Firstborns
| Typical Traits | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Leadership ability | Take charge, know what to do | May undermine the initiative of those who lean on them too much or may come off as too overbearing or aggressive |
| Aggressive | Command respect; others want to follow their unflinching leadership | Can run roughshod over others; may be insensitive and tend to be selfish; too focused on the goal and not enough on the feelings of others |
| Compliant | Cooperative, easy to work with, good team player | Can be taken advantage of, bullied, bluffed |
| Perfectionistic | Always do things right and leave no stone unturned to do a thorough job | Tend to criticize themselves and/or others too much; never satisfied; may procrastinate because they fear they cannot do a “good enough job” |
| Organized | Have everything under control; always on top of things; tend to be on time and on schedule | May worry too much about order, process, and rules and not be flexible when it's needed; may show real impatience with anyone who is “disorganized” or not as meticulous; can be upset by surprises |
| Driver | Ambitious, enterprising, energetic, willing to sacrifice to be a success | Put themselves or those they work with under too much stress and pressure |
| List maker | Set goals and reach them; tend to get more done in a day than others; planning the day is a must | May become boxed in, too busy with the to-do list to see the big picture and what needs to be done right now |
| Logical | Known as straight thinkers; can be counted on not to be compulsive or to go off half-cocked | May believe they're always right and fail to pay attemtion to the more intuitive opinions of others |
| Scholarly | Tend to be voracious readers and accumulators of information and facts; good problem solvers who think things through | May spend too much time gathering facts when there are other things that need to be done; may be so serious they fail to see the humor in situations when humor is desperately needed |
Ask Yourself
1. Am I involved in too many activities? Which ones could I give up?
2. Do I know how to say no? Can I think of a recent example of saying no graciously but firmly?
3. How much of a problem is perfectionism for me? Can I state the difference between pursuing perfectionism and seeking excellence?
4. Am I a slave to my to-do lists, or do I use lists to organize my life and keep it balanced?
5. Have I forgiven my parents for any pressures they put on me while growing up? Can I honestly say there were privileges as well as pressures in being a firstborn?
6. Am I a compliant or aggressive firstborn? What are my best attributes? What are my key faults, and what do I need to do to improve?
7. If I know I’m an aggressive firstborn, am I willing to ask my spouse, children, or fellow workers for feedback on my strengths and weaknesses? What would my family say to me about how much time I spend with them?
8. If I feel jealousy or resentment toward any of my siblings, am I willing to confess and try to make it right? When and where could I do this?
9. Do I care too much about what others think of me? Why or why not? Have I been in any situation recently in which this “caring too much”has come to the forefront and caused trouble for me?
10. How good am I at spotting flaws at fifty paces? Would my family or friends say I am too critical?
5
How Good Is “Good Enough”?
I
f someone were to ask you, “Just how good is ‘good enough’?” what would you say?
Would you rate perfectionism as a problem? Why or why not? After all, couldn’t the world use a few more perfectionists instead of putting up with all of the sloppy, slipshod work and service that goes on every day?
So which of the following describes perfectionism best for you?
A. a burden
B. a cause of stress and even disease
C. slow suicide
D. a strength
According to my counseling experience, any or all of the A, B, or C answers is correct. The incorrect answer is D. Perfectionism is not a strength. If you think it is, I hope to convince you otherwise.
But first, you need to get a feeling for how much of a perfectionist you are. Take the “Are You a Perfectionist?” quiz on page 102. Go ahead—I’ll wait right here until you’re done.
So how did you do? Does your score help you understand why sometimes you don’t feel good enough?
Perfectionism in the Personals
My favorite example of a person whom I would rate an extreme perfectionist appears in this ad I once clipped from the personals in a daily newspaper:
Christian, blonde, blue eyes, 5'2'', 100 lbs. prof., Cauc./female, no depend., wishes to meet Protestant Christian, prof. man in 30s with college degree who has compassion for animals and people, loves nature, exercise and phy. fitness
(no team sports)
, music and dance, church and home life. Desire nonsmoker/nondrinker, slender, 5'7''–6', lots of head hair,
no chest hair
, intelligent, honest and trustworthy, sense of humor, excellent communicator of feelings, very sensitive, gentle, affectionate, androgynous attitude about roles, giving, encouraging and helpful to others, no temper or
ego problems
, secure within and financially, health conscious, neat and clean, extremely considerate and dependable. I believe in old-fashioned morals and values. If you do, too, and are interested in a possible Christian commitment, write to PO Box 82533. Please include recent color photo and address.
A lot can be read into an ad like this. First of all, let me take a walk on the plank of life and suggest that this woman will be single for a long, long time. Can’t you imagine her on a date with a Tom Cruise look-alike and she suddenly spots a chest hair peeking through his polo shirt? End of relationship!
My counselor’s eyes suggest the odds are at least 500 to 1 that this blonde, blue-eyed 5'2'', 100-pound professional female is a firstborn or only child. Surely she is a super extreme perfectionist who would score 30 or more on the “Are You a Perfectionist?” quiz. This kind of personality walks around holding up what I call the high-jump bar of life. She is always raising the bar a little higher and is a master at defeating herself at every turn.
Are You a Perfectionist?
If you’re a perfectionist, how much of one are you? To find out, fill in the blank next to each question below with 4 for always, 3 for often, 2 for sometimes, and 1 for seldom. Then add up your score.
____ 1. Mistakes—your own or others’—irritate you.
____ 2. You feel everyone should be as driven to do his best as you are.
____ 3. You use the word should a lot—as in, “I should have taken care of that,” or “We should meet on this immediately.”
____ 4. You find it hard to enjoy success. Even when something goes well, it’s easy for you to find the things that could have been just a little better.
____ 5. One small mistake ruins your day—or at least your morning.
____ 6. Terms like good enough and just about right bother you, particularly on the job.
____ 7. You tend to put things off because you feel you’re not quite ready to do the job right.