The Birth Order Book (11 page)

Guess Who’s the Oldest

You can find firstborns as leaders in all kinds of situations. For example, if I asked you to name one of the Mandrell sisters, chances are you’d think of Barbara, and there’s a good reason for that: she’s the oldest, resourceful, outgoing, and definitely the leader. Few people mention Louise or “the other one,” Irlene.

Among contemporary actors working today are the four Baldwin brothers. Which one can you name? Probably Alec, who is, of course, the oldest.

What about the Smothers brothers? Did you think of Tommy? That’s not surprising because he’s the oldest, even if he does act like a hypersensitive baby while on stage. My wife, Sande, and I have had dinner with the Smothers brothers, and let me assure you, Tommy is the real leader of this duo. In fact, Dick confided that he had moved to the other end of the country just to get away from Tommy’s “controlling nature.” I looked at Tommy, and he just smiled.

Here’s one more example of two brothers—the ones who are credited with making the first successful flight in an airplane. If I asked you to name one of the Wright brothers, odds are good that you’d say, “Wilbur.” Strange, but he was the oldest by four years. Think about how hard it is to name professional athletes who are siblings and who excel in the same sport. I love sports, and I can name only a couple: Venus and Serena Williams, professional tennis players; and the Manning brothers in football. Indeed, siblings tend to go in different directions.

Sixty-four percent of the US presidents have been firstborns or functional firstborns. There was Jimmy Carter, a serious, studious, overachieving governor of Georgia who out-and-out worked his way to the presidency of the United States. But standing in stark contrast to this firstborn was his baby brother, Billy, who got his own share of the spotlight for his beer drinking and rude, off-the-cuff remarks, many of which were designed to embarrass his big brother.

Living High on Stress

Outstanding leaders and achievers they may be, but hard-driving firstborns often pay the price. If their bodies don’t break down, relationships with family or friends usually do. I doubt if it’s a coincidence that Lee Iacocca, one of the most capable and successful CEOs who ever lived, has gone through three divorces. In fact, it’s practically a birth order rule of thumb, particularly for firstborns: the very traits and abilities that enable you to succeed at work, at church, or in other organizations will often work against you in your close personal relationships.

The very traits and abilities that enable you to succeed at work, at church, or in other organizations will often work against you in your close personal relationships.

While on an American Airlines flight, I was fortunate enough to sit across the aisle from Robert Crandall, former chairman of the board and president of American Airlines. As we got acquainted, I learned that he was a firstborn, which didn’t surprise me at all because of his wellknown, hard-driving, levelheaded leadership abilities.

Later I had the opportunity to interview Crandall for a business book I was writing
.
When I asked him what he thought of the maxim “Put your spouse first,” he responded, “Yes, that’s true. On the other hand, you have to have a spouse who recognizes that the number of times she can ask to be first is limited.” He went on to say that putting one’s spouse first doesn’t have much to do with business, that it’s more of a “personal values set” than a “business values set.”

And therein lies the rub. Trying to separate business from the family often results in the family getting the short end of the stick.
6

Because I fly so much, I make it a habit to do informal surveys of airline pilots regarding their birth order. Flying is such an exacting task that demands perfection, so it doesn’t surprise me that pilots are usually firstborns. In fact, out of ninety-eight men and two women, my informal survey revealed that 88 percent were firstborns or only children. On a recent United Airlines flight, the captain came out of the cockpit and came down the aisle greeting passengers, including me. So I asked him, “How is the firstborn captain doing today?”

He gave me the strangest look. “Have we met?”

“No, but you
are
a firstborn, aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, I am,” he said, and in less than five minutes we were talking about a lot more than what a lovely day it was in the friendly skies. As the tears rolled down his cheeks, he told me about his third wife serving him with divorce papers. He was one of the best in the high-stress business called flying, but at home he had crashed three times.

Sometimes the hard-driving firstborn personality can go beyond neglecting family or friends and all the way to the ultimate tragedy. Do you remember Cain, the first murderer in recorded history? He thought his sacrifice was every bit as good or better than Abel’s. But God didn’t, and he wouldn’t accept it because it was the “fruit of the ground.” So driven, aggressive, firstborn Cain lured his secondborn brother, Abel, out into the fields and killed him. When the firstborn, who is a goal-oriented achiever, starts thinking,
Winning is everything
, he can shove aside values like being law abiding, loyal, or self-sacrificing. Instead, he will do anything to win.

What Makes the Firstborn Tick?

Whether compliant or powerful and assertive, there are at least two good reasons why firstborns come in such downright upright (and often a little uptight) packages. Those two reasons are Mom and Dad. Oldest children serve as “guinea pigs” for parents who have never done this kind of thing before. No wonder the kids have more than their share of stress. Brand-new parents are typically a bundle of ambivalence—one side overprotective, anxious, tentative, and inconsistent; the other side strict, disciplined, demanding, always pushing, and encouraging better performance.

Oldest children serve as “guinea pigs” for parents who have never done this kind of thing before. No wonder the kids have more than their share of stress.

Everything
about a firstborn child is important. While little Fletcher or Maddie is still on the way, the very air is charged with expectancy in more ways than one. With grand anticipation, young parents celebrate with baby showers, picking out names, choosing wallpaper for the nursery, and buying baby clothes and toys. (And if the parents are firstborns or onlies themselves, add to that list “starting piggy banks, insurance policies, and college funds.”)

Few will deny that the family overdoes things with the firstborn. Parents as well as grandparents record every cry, look, whim, or move with a video camera. They’re sure to fill the family photo album with dozens (even hundreds) of pictures. Research indicates that firstborns walk and talk earlier than laterborns. No surprise there. With all the coaching, prodding, and encouragement they get, they probably do it in self-defense!

That firstborn children often go on to become the leaders and achievers in life isn’t necessarily their idea, but with only parents (and maybe grandparents, aunts, and uncles) for role models, they naturally take on more grown-up characteristics. This is why firstborns are often serious and not much for surprises. They prefer to know what’s happening and when; they thrive in being in control, on time, and organized— all characteristics that stand adults in good stead.

Also remember that a child’s personality is pretty well formed by the age of 5. When the firstborn is very young—starting before he is even 12 months old—he is already observing his parents and noting the
right way
to do things. When you think about it, firstborns basically learn only from adults—those big, perfect people who do everything correctly. No wonder they’re so willing to break their necks to be right, on time, and organized.

Research indicates that firstborns walk and talk earlier than laterborns. No surprise there. With all the coaching, prodding, and encouragement they get, they probably do it in self-defense!

Perks and Privileges

Anything
firstborns do is a big deal, so this attention encourages firstborns to achieve. Because family and friends take the firstborn seriously, he or she often develops greater confidence. It’s no wonder that firstborns go on to become president of the club, the company, and even the country. While over 64 percent of US presidents have been firstborns or functional firstborns, only 5 of them have been true babies. As I have contemplated why so few babies have made it to the White House, it occurs to me that maybe they just couldn’t find it!

With their strong powers of concentration, patience, organization, and conscientiousness, firstborns have a distinct advantage in many professions. I have often asked at seminars, “If you were manager of a bank and were hiring more tellers, whom would you choose?” Many answer they would take the lastborn children, because they would be so friendly and outgoing as they work with the public. I always have to disagree, however, because while it helps to be friendly with the public, it would be all too typical of a lastborn bank teller to turn to the teller next to her and say, “Helen, could you please take over for me? I’ve got to have a Coke, and there are still fourteen people in my line.”

And then there is that lastborn problem of losing things: “Let’s see, I know that $135,000 is around here someplace. . . .”

Before I go any further with this illustration, let’s remember the variables and the exceptions. I’m not saying that all babies of the family are automatically less conscientious or careless. I’m saying that the law of averages reveals that the firstborn is a much better bet to be careful, conscientious, and perfectionistic—all important traits for someone entrusted with a lot of responsibility. By their very nature, firstborns hate to make mistakes. They are careful and calculating and sticklers for rules and regulations. In a fussy, precise place like a bank, these characteristics are not only useful, they’re almost imperative.

Pressures and Problems

The other side of the coin for the firstborn, however, is that all that attention—the “oohing” and “ahhing,” the spotlight, and the responsibility—adds up to
pressure
. For one thing, ask any firstborn for memories of what he used to hear from Mom or Dad when he was a child and those other big role models he was always trying to emulate. Bet you a hundred bucks the firstborn will remember hearing things like this:

“I don’t care what
he
did—you’re the oldest!”

“What? You don’t want to take your little brother (or sister) with you? Fine—stay home!”

“Couldn’t you keep your little brother (or sister) out of trouble?”

“What kind of example is that?”

“Will you please act your age?”

“When are you going to grow up?”

“He’s littler than you. You should know better!”

Many firstborns who remember comments like these can put them in perspective. They smile wryly or just shake their heads and grin. Others aren’t quite so easygoing about it, such as the firstborn woman I received a letter from: “Excuse me, I remember all the pressure of being the oldest, but where was the privilege? I seem to have missed that along the way.”

All that attention—the “oohing” and “ahhing,” the spotlight, and the responsibility—adds up to
pressure
.

One thing many firstborns can tell you is that, while they had to toe the mark, their younger brothers and sisters got off easy, or, as I often hear, “got away with murder.” Firstborns do take the brunt of discipline as parents work themselves into their parenting role.

Along with getting the most discipline, firstborns also get the most work. When you need something done in the family, who ya gonna call? That dependable firstborn is likely to get the assignment, whether it’s running down to the corner for a loaf of bread or picking up the dog plops.

And then, of course, there’s the infamous task that most firstborn adults can remember: being left in charge of younger brothers and sisters instead of being able to go off with their own friends. Invariably the firstborns wind up being in charge a lot. Older sisters particularly are very dependable and conscientious as a rule, and many mothers take advantage of this. Firstborn girls often get labels like “mother hen” or even “the warden.”

Yes, it’s possible that some firstborns do enjoy the babysitting role, but sooner or later—usually sooner—it turns into a drag. And it’s not unusual for older children to try to ditch younger ones who tag along with them. In the dedication of this book, you may have noticed my special recognition for my brother, Jack, who often tried to lose his baby brother (me) in the woods!

Good Rules of Thumb

1. Don’t expect your older children to be babysitters for the younger ones. (Yes, I realize there are finances, unforeseen emergencies, and overloaded schedules. Sometimes it will happen. But don’t do it as a rule. It’s not fair to the firstborn.)

2. Don’t make your firstborn do more than his or her share of the work. Everyone in the family— even little children—can help out according to their age. Don’t make your firstborn responsible to pick up the tasks that your other children don’t complete.

3. Remember that your child is a child, not an adult.

Poor Jack. Sometimes I think he’s still mad because Mom and Dad bought me a new Roadmaster bike complete with kickstand when I was 6, and he had to make do with his old fenderless model. What really got to him, though, was that I wouldn’t use my kickstand. I’d just throw my shiny new bike down on the driveway when I cruised into home base.

The bottom line is that parents expect too much of firstborns. They are often forced to be the pacesetters and standard-bearers of the family and are urged to follow in Father’s and Mother’s foot-steps into professions or ways of life they really don’t want. Today the age-old conflict between father and firstborn son still rages. The father wants the son to take over the family business or accomplish something he never accomplished. The son wants to start his
own
business raising earthworms or maybe become a fry cook at Denny’s, a shepherd, a chicken rancher, or just a vegetarian.