The Blueprint (13 page)

Of course, not everyone could be persuaded to see things their way, nor was every problem fixable.
Once, his parents had taken in a second cousin, Jack, who’d lost everything because he drank too much.  His wife took the kids and left, and he’d been caught at work drunk too many times and was fired.  When he showed up at the house, he had nothing left but the clothes on his back and a mostly empty whiskey bottle.   Jimmy’s mother, Grace, nursed and counseled him, even took him to meetings.  His father, Charlie, gave him work.  But after six months, they could still smell alcohol on his breath at breakfast. 

Grace asked him straight out, “Do you want to get better?  Do you want to fix your drinking problem?”

Jack answered flatly, “I’m a drunk.  Drinking is what I do.  So no, I don’t want to fix it.”

He was sent packing that night.  For months, Grace lamented that she’d failed Jack, but Charlie kept telling her, “Grace, not everybody wants to be fixed.  If a person can’t see past the mess, then the mess is home.”

Jimmy, like his mother, couldn’t forget Jack.  The idea of a person choosing misery boggled his mind.  But the memory of Jack also helped motivate him.  After his last breakup a year ago and the disappointment of returning from New York City alone, he became even more determined to move forward with his life---and see past the mess.  And every time he thought about Lily, he was optimistic about the future.

He’d discovered two
Lilys Friday night; the Lily who kept herself at a safe distance from him and everyone else, and the Lily who smiled and laughed with him, who'd kissed him with desperate passion.  As long as he could get tastes of the real woman now and again, he’d let her believe she was protecting herself by bringing Kim and Ed along on their dates.

He'd fix it.
 

By the fifth group date, Kim had had enough.  The first date was bearable, because Ed was such a movie nut that he left her alone, until afterwards when he recited nearly the whole movie back to her.  "E.T. phone home," was a quote she feared one day would send her into such a rage that she'd strangle every short, bald, shirtless creature she saw.  On the second date, Jimmy brought over his parents’ VCR, a movie, and pizza. She watched Lily and Jimmy snuggling together on the couch and tried convincing herself that that was a good thing.  And once the movie ended, she faked a headache and hid in her room before Ed could recap every one-liner from
Airplane!
, too.   Dates three and four included dinner out at local taverns where little brother could tag along and everyone else could drink.  The happy couple, oblivious to everyone but each other, flirted while Kim drank herself silly and dodged Ed’s advances.

“Lily, that’s the last time I chaperone for you.  From now on, you’re on your own.”

“I thought you had fun today.”

“If you call keeping Ed from pawing at me all day fun, then yeah, I had a great time.”   Kim dumped her purse on the
kitchen table and grabbed a root beer from the refrigerator.  Wishing it was spiked, she took a long swig.  She was exhausted from a long day at the county fair and her last day on the job as Lily’s sidekick. 

She fl
opped into Fido and complained, “That kid must be as dumb as a box of rocks.  No matter how many times I make it clear that I’m not interested, he keeps at it.  I’m not so sure you could call what he does flirting.  But he never stops talking.   And every word out of his mouth is either insulting or just plain stupid.  You know what he said today?”  Kim stopped and waited for Lily’s full attention.  “He said I smelled like his Grandma.  That’s his idea of a compliment!”

Kim laughed. 
“All right.  We’ll have Jimmy leave Ed at home.  Just the three of us can hang out.”

Kim wasn’t going to agree to go on any more of Lily’s dates with or without little brother.  This last month had been torture for her, not only putti
ng up with Ed, but also seeing Lily and Jimmy together.  This chaperone business, she decided, was not good for her fragile psyche.  “No way.  I won’t be a third wheel either.   I’ll still meet you for lunch.  Ed’s not as bad when he’s distracted by food, but I’m done tagging along on weekends.”

Lily begged,
“Please, Kim.  It won’t be as fun without you.”

“Too bad.
  I need to get a life of my own.”

“Pretty please?”

Kim had wanted no part of this since the beginning, but Lily ignored her roommate’s protests and dragged her along anyway.  Maybe, Lily didn’t realize how hard it was for Kim to see them together.  Maybe, Lily didn’t realize that she was happy with Jimmy.  Maybe, she didn’t realize that having her roommate around was just getting in the way.   Kim was sure of two things:  she was done babysitting, and this playful “pretty please” crap was tearing at her already frayed nerves.  So she decided to hit her with the truth and let Lily work it out on her own.

Popping out of her chair, Kim paced.  “Look, I can’t watch you and Jimmy play kissy face anymore.  He’s definitely into you and that’s great.  I just don’t want to see it.”

Lily stiffened and asked the volatile question lingering between them.  “You like him?”

A
rms flying, Kim answered, “Of course, I like him.  What’s not to like?  He’s good-looking, smart, funny, sane.  Yes, I would change places with you in a heartbeat.”  Kim stopped pacing and looked hard at Lily.  “He doesn’t want me.  He wants you.  And whether you like it or not, you want him, too.  So don’t be such a chicken and stop fighting it.”

Kim knew from experience that grand displays of emotion were not effective ways of communicating with Lily.  She needed to settle down so Lily would hear the message.  She sat on the arm of the couch
, clasped her hands in her lap, and listed the facts.  “He’s made no promises and neither have you, so there’s none to break.  So far, he’s let you set the pace.  He knows your deepest, darkest secret and is still hanging around.  Being with him does not compromise your job or the life you’re building for yourself.  You’re a grown-up, not a little girl.  You have a say in what happens to you now.  He knows that.  You’re the only one who doesn’t.”

“Look,”
Kim continued, “I don’t think Jimmy’s in this to hurt you.  We’ve been hanging out with him for months now.  If he was a big ass, we’d know it.  Maybe… give it a try.  You can always end it.”

“And what about you?”

“Jimmy isn’t the only cowboy in the world, but if I spend all my time with you, I’ll never find mine.  And with limited PDA, I can stomach joining you guys for lunch.  Besides, that library project should be wrapping up.  We could get our girl time back. ”

“I’d like that.”

“Me, too.”

Lily's eyes were wet with unshed tears.
“You really think I’m a chicken?”

“Yup,” answered Kim with a
half-smile.  “You’re a young, beautiful, intelligent chicken.  Who, if you’re not careful, will end up an old, crotchety, librarian hen.”  Hoping to exit this conversation for both of their sakes, Kim got up, threw a pillow in Lily’s direction, and asked, “What’s for dinner?”

9

Lily
laid awake in bed struggling with what it would mean to
try
at a real relationship with Jimmy: to try and transcend over a decade of heartache, to try and relinquish control over her muted emotions, to try and amend her tainted view of love.  Did trying also mean hoping?  She gave up on hope the day her sister went missing from the home.  Hope hadn’t brought her mother back from the hospital.  Hope hadn't paid the bills so they wouldn’t lose their house.  Hope hadn't kept the two people she loved most in her life from leaving her. 

She wasn't
always a pessimist.  Before the home, even while living in the station wagon, she made the most of the little she had.  After all, kids only know what they know; so back then, she believed her life was normal.  Moody mother, fighting parents, bossy sister, alcoholism, bankruptcy, church handouts, all registered as part of a typical family experience for Lily.   What a person never had, they couldn't miss.  But then, her father and sister were gone and she missed them desperately.  At the vulnerable age of eleven, her last reason to believe in promises disappeared, leaving her hollow.  

She had always been smart and resourceful, so functioning at school, with friends, and at the home continued even with the emptiness
. The void left by her father and sister’s absence felt solid, heavy, and unrelenting. Alone at night, missing the comfort of Dani, she dreamt of rats eating away at her stomach from the inside out, taking thousands of tiny bites a day until she finally vanished, too.  Was it a nightmare or a wish? 

Time passed
as it insists on doing even when the clocks weren't wound, and a new normal emerged.  The gnawing sensation stopped and the pain leveled off, but the weight remained constant, guarding a cherished space.  She chose to protect that space, to learn from it, and use it.  After all, it grew in her for a reason and she decided its purpose was to remind her of her family or maybe the loss of them.  

Tonight, Lily wondered if that space was worth preserving anymore.  Growing up, it had given her strength, reminding
her during tough times,
nothing could be worse
.  But maybe now it had become her excuse, her excuse to not hope for more.  Maybe her wounds could heal, if given the chance.  If what she feared was just being hurt again, certainly no pain could match losing her father and sister.  
I’m an adult, not a little girl,
she told herself. 
I have a say in what happens to me.
  
Nothing could be worse.

Lily awoke the next morning exhausted and dedicated to the idea
of
trying
.  She wasn’t certain how this would play itself out with Jimmy, but she didn’t want to be a chicken anymore.   If she ever got comfortable with all this emotional mumbo-jumbo, she’d ask Kim why she wasn’t afraid.  How did Kim get through her similar experience seemingly unscathed?

“Hey, Jimmy boy, what do you say to you and me meetin’ us some ladies tonight?”

“Not tonight, Tom, I have a date.”

Tom whined, “Ah, come on, brother, we never hang out anymore.  The Rogers boys always work better as a team.  I draw the ladies in with my good looks and you entertain them with your stories.  There’s a band playin’ at Tulip’s tonight.  Go with me.”

“I can’t.  I have plans.”

“Fine.  I’ll ask somebody else,” Tom grumbled. 

They gathered their gear and walked together to the parking lot.  Tom
needled, “So are you meetin’ that sexy librarian with the big rack again?  Ed says you spend all your free time with her and that’s why we haven’t seen you back at the house much.  If this thing between you two is getting serious, Mom is gonna want to meet her."

“It’s not serious, and I can handle Mom.”  Jimmy slammed his work stuff in the back of the truck and jumped in behind the wheel.
  The problem with having a big family and living in a small town was everybody was always in his business.

Tom grabbed the truck door as it shut between them and leaned in through the open window.
“Hold up, brother.  I know when I’m being blown off.  What’s up?”

“Her name is Lil
y.  And I don’t want you talkin' about her like she’s a piece of meat.  I’m not ready for this to become a Rogers’ family matter.  Got it?”

“All right.
  Calm down.  Give me somethin’ and I’ll help hold Mom off for a while.  Tell me about her people.  Mom always wants to know about that family crap.”

Jimmy sighed, “She doesn’t have any people.  She grew up in a children’s home.”

Tom pinched his face and squeezed his temples.  “Ah, hell Jimmy, not another wounded dove.”

Jimmy started the truck and threw it into reverse.

“Wait. Wait,” Tom called, cursing himself for not checking his big mouth before speaking.  “Sorry about that.  But you know you have a tendency to go for the broken ones, right?”

“She’s not like Laura,” Jimmy snapped.  “I wish you guys would forget about Laura.  I have.”

“You’re right.  That was a long time ago.  Tell me about Lily.  Sounds like you’re already in deep.”

Slipping the truck back into park, Jimmy took a deep breath and tried
convincing himself that his brother was indeed having one of his rare sincere moments.  He wanted to talk about Lily with someone, but Tom wasn’t known for his sensitivity.  Reluctantly he began, “She’s mostly quiet and shy, but more and more I can get her talkin’ and laughin’ and it’s like she stops hidin' for a minute.  When her guard’s down, she lots of fun.  She’s real smart and reads a lot.  I wouldn’t say she’s nerdy though, but she does spend a lot of time workin' things out in her head.”  Jimmy smiled, remembering their first date. “I know she has a feisty side too, because I’ve seen it.   It’s gonna take some time to figure her out, but I like a challenge; I think it’ll be time well spent.”

“What about family stuff?  Does she talk about it?”

“No.  She’s pretty tight lipped about all of that.  Can you blame her?  I need to keep her away from you guys until she’s more comfortable with me.  I think meetin' the Rogers clan right now could be a little overwhelmin' for her."  Jimmy's tone became hard and clipped again. "Look, I’m sure she’s got baggage like everybody else.  But don’t assume I’m relivin' the past.  I’m not.”

“Y
ou’ve got a soft heart and nobody wants to see you hurt again.”

“Hey, I’m a big boy.  Hold Mom off for me for
a while; I’ve got some wooing to do.”

“Will do, brother.”
  Tom waited for Jimmy to drive away before he let his face droop.  Their mom was not going to like this one bit.

Fall arrived, bringing with it mild days but brisk nights.  Jimmy invited Lily to a bonfire at his property.  She’d never seen him so excited or nervous about a date before.   As he drove them across the back roads leading to his “casa,” as he liked to call it, Lily was amused to see Mr. Sexy Confidence transform into an antsy adolescent.   When he wasn’t asking her what she wanted to listen to or if the temperature in the truck was okay, he was reaching beside him to check the supplies for the night.  She found his change in behavior both endearing and intriguing.

“Jimmy, I already checked twice, the wine glasses are in the basket.”

“What about the wine?  Did I remember the wine?”

“Yes, I checked that too.  And there’s enough food for six people in there.”

“I hope I chopped enough wood.”

“This place is in the woods, right?  I’m sure we can find something to burn.”  She reached across the mountain of stuff between them and stroked his arm.  It was getting easier for her to touch him without thinking, without hesitating.  “What’s got you so nervous?  Are you afraid you’ll be eaten by a bear tonight, too?”  This was a switch.  She was trying to help him relax.

“There aren’t any bears.  My property isn’t that far off in the boonies.  The main highway is only ten minutes from here.  Look, it’s right around that bend.”

As the truck tu
rned onto a long gravel driveway, giant trees bordering the open lot welcomed them with their renewable confetti as the sun setting in shades of pinks and oranges painted the rustic chest for Jimmy’s treasure.  On a concrete slab balanced open stud walls and trusses, the skeleton of his house under construction.   

Rolling down his window, he pointed to the construction site and announced, “
This
is my casa.”  He paused for a moment working through the design in his head, imagining the finished product, seeing the bones with the skin.  Disgusted, he added, “That’s where I sleep,” and pointed to a trailer that sat crumbling at the end of the drive.

He stopped the truck and walked around to help Lily out, needlessly taking all of her weight in his arms as she stepped down.   Although his eyes had brightened, Lily noticed a new intensity to Jimmy that she didn’t understand.  Brushing the hair from her e
yes, he gave her a timid smile.  “If you aren’t too hungry just yet, I’d like to show you around my house first before it gets dark.”

She agreed,
and he took her hand, leading the way.   His attention wavered between Lily and the site as they walked through the half acre of ankle high grass that separated the trailer from the house.   He was nervous about showing her his project.  He feared she wouldn’t understand its significance---like the last woman he’d brought here.  Granted, then the framework wasn’t up.  There were only unfinished drawings, sketches that outlined his dream of designing and building his own home.  Although Lily had asked a couple of times to see the property, he'd always made excuses.  It concerned him that even though they'd gone on a dozen dates and shared months of lunches together, they hadn't had a single serious conversation.  His brother's would think he'd achieved the impossible, but he wasn't like his brothers. 

He knew Lily
liked him.  Her smiles came quicker now and she had warmed more to his touch.   But, would she understand him?  Was it fair to test her or was it too soon?  He did know for certain that if she laughed at him and mocked him, like Laura had, tonight would be their last night together.  That much he'd learned.  That much he was sure of.

As they reached the center of the open house
, Jimmy asked, “So what do you think?” 

“Well..,” she crossed her arms and looked up and around, taking her time, spinning in place, “I think it’s amazing that you’re able to do all this yourself, but…” Lily stopped to gather her thoughts, and Jimmy
, preparing for the worst, turned his back to her.  She continued, “But I’m not good with visual-spatial stuff.   I can’t really picture what the house looks like.  Can you talk me through it?”

Jimmy released th
e breath he’d been holding and with it all the tension that had been festering inside him since he’d decided to bring her to the house exited too.   In the fading light, he gave Lily a crash course in home building.  He explained the layout of each room, the purpose and placement of studs for plumbing and electric installations, the physics involved in truss and roof design, and the aesthetics of different building materials.  The blueprint of the home he hoped to share with his wife and children one day had grown and developed in his mind since childhood.  The picture in his head was complete; he just needed the reality to catch up.   Jimmy knew he was one of the few lucky enough to live out his kid dreams and was happy to tell her all about it. 

Lily only understood about half of what he said, but it was the way he said it that captured her attention.  
He became teacher and storyteller.  The excitement in his voice was contagious.  He made her want to understand that a house is more than wood, siding, and shingles.  He enticed her with his vision of the strength, function, and beauty that personify a home’s foundation and framework.  As they walked back to the truck in the dark, she could almost envision his home complete with stone fireplace, deep porch, and bay windows facing the setting sun.  

Reaching behind the seat of his truck, Jimmy pulled out the bl
ueprints.   He turned on the truck’s headlights and unrolled them on an old wrought iron patio table that stood outside the door to the trailer. “This is a drawing of the front elevation.  You can better see the roof line, the front door, and the porch.  This over here will be the master bedroom in the northeast corner.  I like to wake with the sun so I put it there.”  Jimmy had gotten into the habit of doing most of the talking with Lily, and now caught up in discussing his favorite topic; he realized he’d jabbered nonstop for close to an hour.  It was time to shut up. “Does that help?  Can you see it now?”

“Yes, I see it.  I think it’ll be wonderful.  Thanks for bringing me here and showing it to me.” 

No laughter.  No condescending tone.

Standing side by side in the cold, with the harsh lights of the truck holding the dark at a distance, Jimmy grabbed Lily in a bear hug and dropped a
kiss on the top of her head. 
She’s not a woman of many words, but those were the right ones.