The Complete Burn for Burn Trilogy: Burn for Burn; Fire With Fire; Ashes to Ashes (66 page)

I can’t even go over to her apartment. It’s not like I have a
right. It’s not like anyone would think to check on how I’m
dealing, or give me a shoulder to cry on. No one is explaining to
me why this happened, what was the cause of the accident, what
the fuck we’re all supposed to do now.

I’ve texted Lillia maybe ten times, and she hasn’t written
back once. Not one fucking time, when she knows that Rennie
was my best friend too.

I don’t feel like I can even go check on Mary until I talk to Lil
so she can explain what the hell is going on.
I let my head fall against the windshield and my eyes close,
but as soon as they do, the tears come flooding back. This is all
fucking crazy. It’s insanity.
I haven’t slept. Not a wink. Just sobbed and smoked, sobbed
and smoked on repeat since I saw her Jeep burning in the ravine.
I glance at the dashboard clock. It’s five p.m.
Rennie’s been dead fifteen hours.
Fifteen hours ago. I was the last person to see her alive.
I start shaking, shaking and crying, and my head hurts so
fucking bad. I stick my hand in my pocket and take the Valium
that Pat handed me when I first tried to lie down, after we’d
gotten home from the woods. Lord knows where he even got
it. I wash it down with a sip of cold gas-station coffee.

I guess I eventually do nod off, because I don’t know how long
has passed before I hear a knock at my window.
Lillia.
I lean across the car and open the passenger-side door. She
climbs in. The skin around her eyes is pink and her face looks
so pale.
“Sorry I didn’t text you back,” she whispers. “I was with her
mom. She . . . she’s in really bad shape.”
I just stare at Lillia, because I don’t know what to say. She
starts crying. Quiet, delicate tears.
“Do they know what happened? Why she crashed?”
“I don’t know. The officers aren’t saying yet.”
“Did you know she had pictures of you putting E in Reeve’s
drink?”
Lillia pales. “You saw them?”
“Yeah. Rennie showed me after you left. I had to convince
her to leave with me and not show everybody at the party. I
went back and got them and burned them but I don’t know if
they’re the only copies or what.”

Lillia closes her eyes. “I can’t even think about that right
now.”
“Well, you better think about it because if people see those
pictures, we’re fucked.” I feel my lip curl. “What the hell happened with you and Reeve last night?”
Her mouth starts opening and closing, but no words come
out.
“For fuck’s sake, Lillia!” I shake my head and wrap my
hands around the steering wheel. “What are you going to say
to Mary?”
“I don’t know, okay!” Lillia shouts, wiping her eyes. “I can’t
even think straight right now.”
I rail on. “I hope you don’t think that I’m going to be the one
to tell her, do your dirty work for you. That’s on you.”
“Kat, God! Can you just—can you just give it a rest? Rennie’s
dead. My oldest friend in the world is dead.”
I slam my hands on the steering wheel and scream my throat
raw. “You don’t think I know that! You think you were the
only one who cared about her?”
Lillia wipes her tears with the sleeve of her coat. “I can’t
believe any of this is happening.” She turns toward me, eyes
sad but hopeful. “I mean, this could all be a bad dream. Right?”
CHAP
TER SIX
T
Y -SEVEN

I’m outside Kat’s car, listening to them
fighting. Fighting over who’s going to have to tell me what I
already know.

They’re the ones who don’t know. I’m the one with the secrets.
So many secrets. Still so much to figure out.
I do know this for sure. What happened last night, it wasn’t

My family, my friends, my heart. My life.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a burn for a burn.
A life for a life.
That’s how this all started. That’s how it’s gonna end.

For Zareen Jaffery

“Therein lives the defect of revenge: it’s all in the anticipation; the thing itself is a pain, not a pleasure; at least the pain is the biggest end of it.”

—Mark Twain

I
’M HIGH UP IN THE
rear balcony of Holy Lady of the Sea, and it is pure agony. There aren’t enough tears in the whole wide world. My sobs echo those of the congregation below me.

There is a brass urn on the white marble altar. And a sea of flowers. Roses and mums and lilies and snapdragons, a cross made of white carnations, wreaths with pink ribbons hanging down the front. So many flowers, even though it’s snowing on the other side of the stained-glass windows.

I don’t know when I got here. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know the time.

An old lady takes a seat at the organ behind me and begins a sad hymn. Everyone stands up, and the preacher walks somberly down the center aisle, followed by two altar boys holding big wooden crosses. It is a struggle for my mom to keep up. I see her through my tears. Black pencil skirt, black sweater. She can barely stand. Aunt Bette supports her on one side, my father on the other.

I rub my eyes and look again. It’s not my mom. It’s Ms. Holtz. She’s got the same curly hair, same petite frame as Rennie. The two people flanking her I’ve never seen before.

And the huge picture on an easel next to the urn is not one of me. It’s Rennie in a yellow sundress, her hair down and curly and tousled from the offshore breeze. She’s wearing an innocent expression, but she has mischief in her eyes. She looks about fifteen or sixteen. Younger than I remember her ever seeming.

This isn’t my funeral. It’s Rennie’s.

It’s so crowded that ushers have brought in extra folding chairs to put in the aisles and next to the confessionals. That’s where I see Kat. Her father stands behind her. Pat squeezes her hand. I can tell by the way Kat’s shoulders rise and fall that she’s sobbing.

When Ms. Holtz passes the Cho family, she stops and reaches out with a shaky hand to touch Lillia’s shoulder. She wants Lillia to come sit with her in the front pew. Lillia looks nervous, but Mrs. Cho gives her daughter an encouraging nod.

On her way to her new seat, Lillia passes Reeve and his family. His parents and his brothers and their girlfriends. They take up almost the whole row. Reeve’s just had a haircut; the skin on his neck is pink. He’s wearing the suit he wore to homecoming. Lillia doesn’t look at him, and he doesn’t look at her. Reeve starts flipping through a prayer book as she lowers her head and takes her seat.

I scan the rafters, the eaves, and the statuary.

Rennie? Are you here too?

I keep looking around, waiting for Rennie to show up. Only she never does. She’s not here like I am.

What did I do to deserve this? To be stuck on Jar Island for eternity? Was it because I killed myself? I know how stupid it was. I just wanted to make Reeve feel sorry for what he’d done. I wanted to take it back as soon as I jumped off the chair with the rope around my neck, only I couldn’t. It was too late. Can’t God understand that it wasn’t my fault? I never would have done it if it hadn’t been for Reeve. He should be the one punished, not me.

The preacher asks us to bow our heads in prayer. I drop my chin and close my eyes.
Please let me leave this place. Let me find a way to heaven. Let me rest in peace.

When I open my eyes again, the church is empty. The lights are out; the flowers are gone.

And I’m all alone.

I
F IT WERE A NORMAL
day, Nadia and I would be listening to the local morning radio show. She actually laughs at the corny jokes they tell, at the slide-whistle sound effects. I don’t think their banter is very funny, but I do like hearing the celebrity gossip. Sometimes, if they are doing a giveaway or contest, Nadia will call using both our cell phones at the same time to up her chances of winning.

But not today. Not the first day back at school since Rennie died. Today as I drive us, the radio stays off. We ride in silence, except for the
swish, swish, swish
of the wipers as
they push the tiny snowflakes off my windshield.

Nadia tries to peel off her puffer jacket while keeping her seat belt buckled. “Can you turn the heat down? It’s boiling in here.”

I glance at the dashboard. I’ve got the dial set to high, plus my heated seats are cranked. It’s because I can’t get warm. My body’s been cold since I heard the news. “Sorry,” I say.

I pull into a parking spot and watch for a second as everyone slowly marches into school. It’s like a silent movie. No one is talking or joking or laughing. I wonder, will school ever feel normal again, without Rennie here?

I’m sure not.

Sometimes, when I was annoyed with her, I’d tell myself that Rennie wasn’t as big a force as she liked to think she was. That she didn’t hold so much sway, so much power over our school. But now that she’s gone, I know it was true. This place is dead without her.

Nadia unclicks her seat belt. “Do you want me to walk in with you?”

I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.” As Nadia reaches into the backseat for her book bag, I say, “You know, there are supposed to be grief counselors here today. If you feel like talking to anyone. I’ve heard Ms. Chirazo is nice.”

Nadia nods, and she says in a timid voice, “You too, okay?”

I nod and say, “Of course,” but I don’t feel like talking. Not
to anybody. I begged my mom to let me stay home sick today. Begged and pleaded. I haven’t been sleeping well. At all, really. I lie in the dark for hours and hours, but I never fall asleep.

I grab Nadi by the sleeve before she’s out of my car. “Hey. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” I know my voice sounds tired, weak, so I smile to compensate.

The worst part is—I know people will be feeling sorry for me. If only they knew the truth, that Rennie hated me before she died. That I betrayed her worse than anyone else could have. When I close my eyes, I keep seeing flashes of what happened in those last moments together. Her showing Reeve the pictures she’d found of me drugging him at homecoming. Her slapping me across the face. Her sobbing, hating me for betraying her.

And then there’s Mary.

The thought of seeing her today makes me want to crawl into a hole. How am I going to tell her about Reeve? And what, exactly, am I going to say? That I made a mistake but it’s over now? I’ve practiced it in my head so many times, but I still don’t know the right words.

As I walk through the parking lot, I keep my eye out for Kat’s car, but I don’t see it either. I owe her a million phone calls. I’m sure she’s pissed at me too.

I keep waiting for this to turn out to be a bad dream. To wake up and have things be the way they were. I wouldn’t even care
if Rennie hated me for the rest of her life for what happened on New Year’s with Reeve. Or if she never spoke to me again. All I want is for her to be alive.

I see her everywhere. The first-floor trophy case, where we’d hang out freshman year when it got too cold to sit outside by the fountain. The janitor’s closet, where we’d hide notes for each other between classes. Her locker, sophomore year.

I feel the tears come, but I don’t want to cry anymore.

I’m at my locker when Ash comes running down the hallway, pushing her way past people to get to me. “Lil,” she moans, and she throws her arms around me, sobbing hysterically. I have the uncharitable thought that it’s like she’s in a movie about a girl who died in a car accident. Other people in the hallway turn and look at us.

I let her cry in my arms for a minute, and then I break away from her. “I’m gonna go get a juice at the vending machine,” I say. “Do you want anything?” I’m not trying to be cold, but I can’t deal with her right now. It’s just too much.