The Cost Of Love And Sanity (6 page)

“How is that?”

“Booming career. A couple of years ago, I filmed two movies in
one year. I was also making some guest appearances on
Summer's Lane.
I barely had time to breath, let alone have a child. And then there was the issue of having no man.” She chuckled.

“So, why now?”

“It's a better time all the way around.”

“But your career is still good and you've said there is no man.”

“Right but I've learned how to make some adjustments to my schedule and I'm ready now.”

“Who is the father of your baby?” Quincy asked, leaning forward. Alex leaned forward with him.

“I don't want to say his name.” Roxie shifted in her seat.

“Is it your co-star, Greg Long?”

“I will not talk about the father of my child.”

“Okay. Why go this route?”

“Which route?” Roxie cocked her head to the side.

“The route that would mean having and raising a child on your own?”

“Oh, well. Simply, I wanted a child now.”

“But you know people are criticizing you for it.”

“I can't live for the ‘people.' I can only do what feels right for me.” Roxie leaned forward. “Look. I could wait five more years to meet the right man or I can do what I want right now. I chose not to leave my life up to fate.”

Roxie's words pierced Alex to the core. Roxie had received flack for her decision to have a child alone but the more she talked about it, the more Alex understood her position. Sometimes you have to make things happen for yourself.

“Is there anything that you would like to tell someone who may consider becoming a single mother?” Quincy asked Roxie.

“That no matter how scared you are, if you really want this, you can make it happen. I did it and I'm very happy with my decision.”

Alex muted the show and stared at the screen. Although Roxie had disappeared, her confident and poised demeanor lingered behind. Alex and Roxie had two different vocations but they were fundamentally in the same situation. They both wanted a family. Roxie simply chose to take her dreams into her own hands. What was wrong with that? Nothing, in Alex's opinion.

Roxie didn't really need a man in her life to have a child. She had more than enough to support the child financially. So did Alex. With forty right around the corner, she couldn't wait forever. Not if she really wanted a child.

Besides, why should she wait? Love? Roxie didn't. The more she thought about it, this sounded like a viable option for Alex. She took comfort in the idea that even if her relationships bombed, all was not lost.

Alex leaned her head against the headboard and closed her eyes. In spite of her alternative, sadness fell over her like a dark cloud. Before she could succumb to it, her phone rang. She looked at the phone as if it were an alarm. It rang again. She didn't want to answer it but when it rung a third time, she decided to pick it up.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Alex. It's Nathan.”

Alex sat up in her bed.
I can't believe he finally called. I thought he'd never call.
Butterflies gathered in her stomach, while she glanced at her clock. Eleven thirty-two. “Hi. I wasn't expecting anyone to call this late.”

“Sorry. Is it a bad time?” Nathan asked.

“No, I was just watching TV.”

“Really? What were you watching?”

Alex cleared her throat. “A news show.” She should not be talking babies right now. He did not need to know how desperate she had become. “So, uh, what's up?”

“I wanted to touch base with you. I meant to call you a couple of days ago but I had a lot of things come up. I've been absolutely swamped,” Nathan said, sounding apologetic.

She smirked. Nathan's apology irked Alex a little. For all he knew, she'd been busy as well. Yes, thoughts of his impending call had lurked through her mind but she couldn't let him assume his call mattered to her. She preferred to pretend she hadn't even thought about it. “Me, too! I've been up to my hair follicles in work.”

“I guess it's that time of year, huh?”

“Yep,” Alex said.

“Well, I wanted to ask you if it would be all right…I mean. Would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?”

A faint sense of resentment made her stall in accepting the dinner invitation. She couldn't help wondering why he had taken so long to call her. Was he playing a game or did he really have something important to do? She toyed with the idea of turning down his invitation. But then she thought about her current patterns and habits and how badly she wanted to change them. She could turn him down but what would that prove? That she had a stubborn personality? She already knew that. Would she prove her feelings were still raw over the way things ended the last time? Thinking about it made her heart sink.

After Alex didn't respond right away, Nathan filled the empty sound with obvious self-doubt. “It's okay if you don't want to—”

“Uh, no. I mean. Yes, I would like to go to dinner with you,” Alex interrupted him.

“Okay. Great! Um, how does seven-thirty this Friday sound?”

“Sounds good.”

•••

Alex stared at her computer screen, studying the words in her proposal. Thankfully, her concentration had increased and she was about three-quarters done. She hated to think that this had anything to do with Nathan's call the night before. Yet, she couldn't deny that she was finally focused without wondering when he'd call her. While in the middle of thinking of the next line in her proposal, her phone rang. She sighed and picked it up.

“Alex? I need you to come down to my office,” Mr. Sims said, absent a greeting.

“Sure,” she said, puzzled.

Once she hung up, Alex grabbed her notepad and pen out of instinct. Whenever she had to go talk to her boss, she always wanted to have a pen and paper, certain that he would say something she needed to remember. From the way he sounded over the phone, he had important things to discuss.

Within five minutes, Alex was knocking on his door.

“Come in,” Mr. Sims said.

Alex walked into the plush office and shut the door behind her. It looked like something out of a magazine. The dark brown wooden furniture matched the rest of the wood décor. A chess game was set on a small round table next to an unlit fireplace. Three historical paintings on the wall were lit from above. He motioned to her to come forth. She walked carefully over the thick, beige carpet. When she reached his cherry brown executive desk, she stood in front of it while he finished a call.

He hung up and pointed toward the seat in front of his desk. “Have a seat.”

Alex sat down and leaned forward, awaiting his words.

“How's everything going?”

“Pretty well, sir.”

“Great. How's the proposal coming along?”

“Very good. I am putting the finishing touches on it now.”

“Now?”

Why didn't I just say it was complete?
“Yes, Sir. Finishing touches.”

He nodded. “Is there anything that you need?”

“No, Sir. Everything is under control. Once I present the proposal, we can hash out the details and I will get started.”

“Okay. As I'm sure you recall that we've been having a tough time over the past year with recruiting. As a result, we've had to pull back on a lot of our resources.” He sighed. “Your event is not only going to require a lot from our clients but it's going to require a lot from us as well. With that said, if we do it, it must be a success.”

“Oh, it will be. Absolutely. Without a doubt.”

“Let's hope so because if it is not,” he paused, “let's just say it won't look good for you.”

Alex swallowed the lump in her throat. She understood what this meant. If this job fair did not succeed, she could kiss her job goodbye. A small surge of panic crept up her spine but she headed it off before it could go all the way up.

“I understand, Sir. You nor the clients will be disappointed.”

He smiled for the first time since she arrived in his office. “Good. I look forward to that. Well, that's all I had. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Sure.”

Alex stood up and walked out the door. She couldn't get back to her own office fast enough. She walked with her head down deep in thought about Mr. Sims' little “pep talk.” Alex didn't expect to feel this type of pressure. He was obviously sending her a warning that she'd better heed. Alex had to make this job fair work and she would start with this proposal. It would be done before she left the building. No exceptions.
I will make this the best event this company has ever had.

A
t seven on the dot Friday night, Alex stood in front of her mirror half-dressed. It took some time to decide what to wear. The cleaners still had her preferred outfit, which meant she had to find something else quickly. She thumbed through the clothes in her closet. She pulled out a pink and black dress she'd worn about five months ago but it looked too summery to her. Her eyes rested on a long skirt with two five-inch slits up each side. She frowned. The matching shoes were unsuitable for winter weather. Alex chose a long sleeve, beige sweater dress and matching boots. After she laid it out on her bed, she returned to her mirror to figure out what to do with her hair.

As she pulled her hair backward and turned it sideways to view it from different angles, her nerves set in. She'd managed to avoid them all day but, in her quiet moment of getting ready, they were threatening to overtake her. She had so many thoughts and feelings that were unresolved. She wanted to ask Nathan many questions. Like did he ever love her? Did he regret cheating on her? Had he changed? Yet, she didn't know how to ask these questions casually. Alex plugged her flat iron into the wall and slid into her sweater dress.

After parting her hair a few times and smoothing out the rough edges, Alex unplugged her iron and brushed her hair over her shoulders. She gave herself a nod of approval in the mirror and walked downstairs. She passed the clock on her stove. It read seven
forty-eight. Alex sighed.
I wonder where he is.
With no call, text or email, she didn't know what to think of his tardiness but decided not to draw a conclusion about it yet. She paced the floor a few times. Alex finally picked up her phone, walked over to her living room and flipped on the TV. She placed the phone on the coffee table and switched the channels. She landed on Lifetime. She didn't usually watch that movie channel but she figured she'd watch the current movie while she waited.

Three commercial breaks passed. Alex picked up the remote and hit Select. The clock read eight thirty-five. She stared at it hoping it would magically subtract an hour and five minutes. It didn't work. She didn't have an explanation for Nathan's absence but one thing she did know for sure; her anger felt like lava heat ready to ooze out of her and melt everything within her reach. She let the screen return to the movie and crossed her arms. Her cell phone rang.

She picked it up off the coffee table.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alex,” Nathan said, as his voice came through the line. “I'm so sorry. My friend's car broke down. He called me to help him at four and I thought sure I had enough time to get to you but…” His voice trailed off. “I just got home and I'm covered in grease.”

Alex closed her eyes and sighed.

“I'm sorry. We can reschedule this for another time. How about tomorrow?”

Alex's chest felt heavy, almost too heavy to suck in enough air to speak.
How could he do this? Does he expect me to be available at his whim? What kind of game is he playing?
This must have been a mistake. She didn't even know why she gave him her number. “I have a lot to do tomorrow,” she uttered.

“Oh. Well, what about next Wednesday or Thursday?”

“I'm not sure about then either. Look, thanks for giving me a call. I hope your friend's car is working again,” Alex said, devoid of any emotion.

“I think it'll be fine. I'm gonna call you later so we can set something up, okay? I'd really like to see you again,” Nathan said.

Alex took a deep breath. “Sure. Goodbye, Nathan.”

She hung up without hearing his goodbye. As she kicked off her shoes and threw her legs onto the sofa to finish the Lifetime movie, she felt the heaviness again. Except this time it wasn't just her chest that felt heavy; it was the heart underneath it that weighed a ton.

•••

On the following warm and sunny Saturday afternoon, Alex sat in the office inside of her house. The room overlooked the subdivision's neat and clean landscape. She glanced out the window and caught a glimpse of the sunlight bouncing off the tree leaves—so inviting. She wished she could go outside and at least take a walk somewhere but she needed to work. Even though she'd finished her proposal, Mr. Sims' warning still rang in her head. She needed to stay ahead of the game. So, she decided to start planning for the fair.

However, in the middle of looking through venues, she found her mind wandering. Alex leaned back in her black, executive chair, unable to resist allowing her mind to replay Nathan standing her up. She couldn't believe she wasted time wanting him to call and then, when he finally called and set up a date, he missed it. A mixture of sadness and anger engulfed her heart all over again.

Alex usually figured things out quite quickly but relationships were kicking her butt. It was enough to make her forgo them in
favor of taking matters into her own hands. But where would she start? She sat up in her chair and switched back to the Internet. Alex went to Google and searched for sperm donors. A sperm bank popped up first. She reluctantly clicked on it and the yellow and white website appeared before her eyes.

The phone number and hours of operation for the bank sat at the top left-hand corner of the site. Farther down, she saw one of the most thorough search boxes she'd ever seen. It was like a catalogue. She had the choice from a variety of hair colors, eye colors, heights, weights and ethnicities. Out of curiosity, she clicked on black hair, any eye color and around six feet tall. She clicked on search and leaned into the computer for the results.