The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (3 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E
: “Sir? Could you do me a favor?”
C
USTOMER
: “Uh … what?”
M
E
: “Look up.”
C
USTOMER
: *looks up*
M
E
: “Okay, wave!”
(I start waving at him and, completely confused, he starts to wave back.)
M
E
: “Sir, that’s a camera up there.”
C
USTOMER
: “Uh … and?”
M
E
: “You better put the money back.”
C
USTOMER
: “What money?”
M
E
: “You know very well what money. Now, put it back and leave.”
(He puts the money back and pouts the entire way out the doors.)
B
US
D
RIVER
| E
SPOO
, F
INLAND
(The bus I’m driving has arrived at the last bus stop, so I let the last customers out, close the doors, and am driving the bus to the start of the line. Unbeknownst to me, a passenger has fallen asleep and is still on the bus.)
P
ASSENGER
: *wakes up* “Oh! Uh? Where is this bus going?”
M
E
: “Ma’am, that was the last stop. I’m now preparing to start the line in the opposite direction. However, I can let you out now. It’s no problem.”
P
ASSENGER
: “I thought this bus went to [a completely different place]!”
M
E
: “Sorry. Maybe next time you should take a bus you know that goes there or ask me in advance?”
(I stop the bus and the passenger gets off. She turns around and yells at me.)
P
ASSENGER
: “I will complain about this!”
M
E
: “Complain about what, exactly?”
P
ASSENGER
: “That this bus is only for people who know where it goes!”
F
ABRIC
S
TORE
| L
OS
A
NGELES
, C
ALIFORNIA
(We often get fashion design students in our store who get samples of fabric for school projects.)
S
TUDENT
: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”
M
E
: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”
S
TUDENT
: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”
M
E
: “… I work here.”
S
TUDENT
: *her dreams crush before my eyes*
N
EWSPAPER
| F
ORT
McM
URRAY
, C
ANADA
(We have a box on the counter in our office labeled “Mr. Know-It-All.” It’s a gimmick for the newspaper we publish. I’m working in the office when a girl comes in and starts examining the box.)
G
IRL
: “So, like, how does this work?”
M
E
: “Well, you write your question down, put it in the box, and Mr. Know-It-All will answer it for you in the paper.”
G
IRL
: “That’s crazy! How does he do that?”
M
E
: “… I’m sorry?”
G
IRL
: “I mean, is there, like, a little man in the box with a little computer who answers the questions that fall into his home?”
M
E
: *speechless*
S
MOOTHIE
S
HOP
| O
REGON
(A customer pulls up and parks in a handicapped spot in front of the store.)
M
E
: “How can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “I’ll take a fresh-squeezed orange juice.”
M
E
: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, we just cleaned our juicer and the chemical that we use has to dry or else it’s toxic. We won’t be able to squeeze any juice until tomorrow.”
C
USTOMER
: “What the heck? This is the second time this has happened.”
M
E
: “Well, we clean it a half hour before we close—”
C
USTOMER
: “You should put up a sign!”
M
E
: “Oh, um. Well, I’ll mention that to my manager—”
C
USTOMER
: “PUT UP A SIGN!”
M
E
: “Sir, I don’t have the authority to do that, but I’ll—”
C
USTOMER
: “JUST PUT UP A SIGN!”
M
E
: “Oh, and you’re parked in a handicapped zone.”
C
USTOMER
: “THEY SHOULD—”
M
E
: “Yes, they have a sign up, sir.”
H
ARDWARE
S
TORE
| V
ANCOUVER
I
SLAND
, C
ANADA
E
MPLOYEE
: *making out a rain check* “Okay, so I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”
N
ICE
C
USTOMER
: “Okay, thanks.”
A
NGRY
C
USTOMER
: “Stop socializing and do your darned job!”
E
MPLOYEE
: “Sir, please don’t be abusive. I’m just checking our other loc—”
A
NGRY
C
USTOMER
: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”
(At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind him, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a choke hold and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)
(The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)
A
NNE
F
RANK
H
OUSE
| A
MSTERDAM
, N
ETHERLANDS
(I used to work in the Anne Frank House taking phone-in questions. Most are rather basic, but one in particular was a little odd.)
M
E
: “Anne Frank House, how may I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Are you guys open at nighttime?”
(This is a rather common question, as a lot of people want to get the feel of what nighttime was like in the Annex.)
M
E
: “No, I’m sorry. We’re open from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m., except on Saturdays, when we are open until 10:00.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, shoot! I was hoping to see the ghost.”
M
E
: “I beg your pardon?”
C
USTOMER
: “You know, the ghost of Anne Frank.”
M
E
: “Um, Anne Frank doesn’t haunt this house.”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes, she does! She pushes people down stairs and sometimes you can see her reflection in the mirror.”
M
E
: “I can assure you Anne Frank is not a ghost. Who told you that?”
C
USTOMER
: “…”
M
E
: “Hello?”
C
USTOMER
: “I just assumed that she haunted the place. She is dead, after all.”
M
E
: “Well, there is no ghost.”
C
USTOMER
: “Why the heck would anyone wanna go to the Anne Frank house if they’re not even gonna meet Anne Frank!?” *hangs up*
T
ECH
S
UPPORT
| W
ISCONSIN
(I work tech support for a cable company. I usually get some pretty strange calls, but this one takes the cake.)
C
ALLER
: “I’m having trouble programming my remote to my new TV.”
M
E
: “Okay, can you just verify for me that the power light is on before we begin?”
C
ALLER
: *long pause* “You mean I have to take it out of the box?”
B
AKERY
| S
YRACUSE
, N
EW
Y
ORK
(Four elderly men enter the store. They are all at least seventy, balding, and at least one has a cane.)
M
ANAGER
: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
E
LDERLY
M
AN
# 1: “Are those bagels hot, young lady?”
M
ANAGER
: “They’re pretty hot. They’ve been out about ten minutes.”
E
LDERLY
M
AN
#2: “But are they as hot as us?”
R
ETAIL
| C
OLORADO
G
UEST
: “I’d like to return this toaster.”
M
E
: “Okay, ma’am, do you have a receipt for the purchase dated within ninety days?”
G
UEST
: “No.”
M
E
: “Okay, well, you can’t return it then. However, if you have an ID you can exchange it for an item of equal or lesser value from the same department.”
G
UEST
: “But I don’t want to exchange it. I want my money.”
M
E
: “Well, I’m sorry but if you don’t have a receipt, you can’t return the item.”
G
UEST
: “[Other store name] would take it back!”
A
NOTHER GUEST IN LINE
: “Excuse me, I work there, and no we wouldn’t!”
