The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (4 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
P
UB
| N
ORTHAMPTON
, U
NITED
K
INGDOM
(I work in a well-renowned British pub chain. After serving food to customers who are obviously punks, I have the following conversation.)
C
USTOMER
: “So, how does it feel working for ‘the man’?”
M
E
: “I don’t know, how does it feel financing ‘the man’?”
C
USTOMER
: *speechless*
O
FFICE
| U
NITED
K
INGDOM
M
E
: “Hello, how may I help you?”
(The client looks at the name on the desk; my name’s Hattie.)
C
LIENT
: “Your name is so stupid.”
M
E
: “Sorry, sir. I can’t help that. It’s not so bad.”
C
LIENT
: “Your parents must really hate you.”
M
E
: “No, I’m sure they don’t. How can I help?”
C
LIENT
: “I want to check my registration. Name’s Horace Gumptin.”
M
E
: *stifles giggle*
C
LIENT
: “Are you laughing at me? Your name rhymes with fattie!”
D
ELI
| W
INDSOR
, C
ALIFORNIA
(A man walks up to our hot case with his wife and two little girls.)
M
E
: “Hi! How may I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Hi—we wanted to get some chicken strips.”
(As I am taking his order, I notice his daughters licking the hot case glass.)
M
E
: “Excuse me, sir, but your daughters are licking the glass.”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah.”
M
E
: “Well… aside from the fact that the glass is hot, we cleaned it this morning with a chemical cleaner to wash off a layer of grease buildup.”
C
USTOMER
: “So?”
M
E
: “The chemical we used is a known carcinogen. I might suggest that you stop your daughters from ingesting it.”
C
USTOMER
: “Look, lady. You’ve obviously never been a parent. When you have kids, you’ll learn that it’s MUCH easier to just let your kids do whatever they want.”
R
ESTAURANT
| C
OLUMBUS
, O
HIO
(A customer walks into the restaurant and approaches me. I am running the wait list outside the front door.)
C
USTOMER
: “Hello, I’d like to place a carry-out order.”
M
E
: “All right, ma’am, you will just need to hop in that line right over there and we will get you taken care of.”
C
USTOMER
: “I’m not waiting in that line! You know, if you guys weren’t so busy all the time, you might actually get some business!”
M
E
: “Ma’am, I want to help you right now, but I’m fairly certain that my brain has just exploded!”
R
ETAIL
| D
ALLAS
, T
EXAS
C
USTOMER
: “I need to return this toothbrush.”
M
E
: “Do you have a receipt?”
C
USTOMER
: “No, I thought it would work.”
M
E
: “How did it not work?”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, it said it had indicator bristles, and when I peed on them they didn’t change color! How is it supposed to indicate if I’m pregnant or not?!”
M
E
: “Ma’am … they’re to indicate whether the toothbrush needs replacing, not whether you’re pregnant.”
C
USTOMER
: *looks sheepish and leaves*
M
E
: *to manager* “I’m going on break now …”
I
NSURANCE
C
ALL
C
ENTER
| A
LLENTOWN
, P
ENNSYLVANIA
C
ALLER
: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”
M
E
: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”
C
ALLER
: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”
M
E
: “Well, there was no charge.”
C
ALLER
: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”
M
E
: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”
C
ALLER
: “So I have to pay the doctor?”
M
E
: “No, ma’am … he charged zero dollars. It was free.”
C
ALLER
: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”
M
E
: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”
C
ALLER
: “So you’re going to pay him?”
M
E
: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this and make sure you’re not charged.”
C
ALLER
: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”
M
E
: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now.”
H
OSPITAL
| L
IVONIA
, M
ICHIGAN
M
E
: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: “Coffee.”
M
E
: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”
M
E
: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”
M
E
: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”
M
E
: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”
M
E
: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”
M
E
: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”
H
OSPITAL PATIENT
: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”
K
EY
S
HOP
| C
HICAGO
, I
LLINOIS
C
USTOMER
: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”
M
E
: *picking up some stuff* “Not a problem, I’ll pop it open for $5.”
C
USTOMER
: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”
M
E
: “Open your car.”
C
USTOMER
: “It’s a brand-new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer—you can’t touch it!”
M
E
: “Then how do I open it?”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s your problem.”
M
E
: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”
C
USTOMER
: “You have to open it.”
M
E
: “Watch me not open it.”
C
USTOMER
: “Okay then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”
M
E
: “So if I’m successful I get $5, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes.”
M
E
: “Your car might just be there forever.”
V
ETERINARIAN
| O
RLANDO
, F
LORIDA
(I work at a vet’s office and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)
M
E
: “… the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”
C
USTOMER
: “Will that hurt?”
M
E
: “Will what hurt?”
C
USTOMER
: “Cutting him, will it hurt when you cut him?”
M
E
: “No … it’s not cutting HIM, it’s just cutting his fur.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh … but will that hurt?”
M
E
: “No … it’s hair.”
C
USTOMER
: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”
M
E
: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”
C
USTOMER
: *looks confused*
M
E
: “Okay … well, no, it won’t hurt.”
(I then go onto other aspects of grooming… clipping toenails, cleaning the ears, etc.)
M
E
: “… you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”
M
E
: *goes over the ear cleaning process*
C
USTOMER
: “Will it hurt?”
M
E
: “No, he may not like it, and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-tip, into his ear.”
C
USTOMER
: “Okay, so how do I do that?”
M
E
: *goes over the ear cleaning process again*
M
E
: “… and again, just whenever you give him a bath …”
C
USTOMER
: “Okay, how do I do that?”