The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (2 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
C
USTOMER
: “What is the ISP going to do?”
M
E
: “They’ll walk you through a few things or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problems in your area.”
C
USTOMER
: “I bought this computer from YOU and YOU should be the ones fixing it.”
M
E
: “It’s not the computer, it’s the Internet. Unfortunately we’re not your Internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.”
C
USTOMER
: “How much do you charge for Internet?”
M
E
: “We do not sell Internet.”
C
USTOMER
: “Than who do I buy my Internet from?”
M
E
: “I don’t know. Verizon, perhaps?”
C
USTOMER
: “I suppose I should order some Internet.”
M
E
: “You haven’t even signed up for it yet!?”
C
USTOMER
: “I wanted to do it on the Internet.”
M
E
: *head explodes*
C
OMIC
B
OOK
S
TORE
| F
LORIDA
(I work in my friend’s comic store on the weekends to help him out. I occasionally get strange looks as the only female employee. One day, a customer leans up against the counter holding several X-Men comics.)
C
USTOMER
: “Hey.”
M
E
: “Hi there, what can I help you with?”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, it’s just, you’re a girl.”
M
E
: “Yup, can I help you with something?”
C
USTOMER
: “I doubt it. Is there another guy here?”
M
E
: “No, sorry, it’s just me right now.”
C
USTOMER
: “Then how am I supposed to get my question answered?”
M
E
: “By asking?”
C
USTOMER
: “But you’re a girl.”
M
E
: “Yeah, so?”
C
USTOMER
: “You just wouldn’t understand.”
M
E
: *mock surprise* “Really? What wouldn’t I understand?”
C
USTOMER
: “No, no, I meant no offense. It’s just, girls don’t know about this kind of stuff. I mean, it’s not your fault you just don’t know about this kind of stuff. It’s just man’s stuff.”
M
E
: “Why don’t you just ask your question and we’ll see, hmm?”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a waste of time. What’s the very first issue that introduces Nightcrawler? I can’t find it.”
M
E
: “Oh, that’s no problem. It’s right over here. We also carry the Nightcrawler comic line as well if you’re interested.”
C
USTOMER
: “But… you’re a girl! How do you even know who Nightcrawler is?!”
M
E
: “Yes, sir, I am. I know because he’s my favorite character. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?”
C
USTOMER
: “Would you marry me?”
M
E
: “Uh … no.”
R
ESTAURANT
| F
LORIDA
Y
OUNG GIRL, MAYBE SIX
: “Hi, I need a table for four, please.”
M
E
: “Sure, what’s your name?”
G
IRL
: *screaming* “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!”
(The mom, dad, and little brother enter the restaurant while she’s screaming.)
M
OM
: “What’s wrong? What happened?”
Y
OUNG GIRL
: “The lady wanted to know my name!”
M
OM
: “Honey, that’s so she can tell you when the table is ready.”
Y
OUNG GIRL
: “Oh …”
C
OLLEGE
| O
HIO
(I’m working at the front desk of a dorm when two drunk freshmen, a guy and a girl, approach me. The guy is laughing but the girl is the complete opposite, sobbing uncontrollably.)
M
E
: “How can I help you? Is everything all right?”
G
IRL
: “I just wanted to know if you could …” *continues sobbing*
(It continues like this for a minute or two, but I finally gather that the girl lost her phone.)
M
E
: “Okay, I can help you find it. Where did you last see it?”
G
IRL
: “I had it in the bathroom last.”
M
E
: “Okay, I can go in there and help you look.”
G
IRL
: “But I dropped it in the toilet.”
G
UY
: *laughs hysterically*
M
E
: “I’m not reaching in a toilet for your phone. I’m sorry, but for that you’re on your own.”
G
IRL
: “But… isn’t that, like, part of your job or something?”
M
E
: “No. In fact, if they ever tried to make me do that, I would probably quit.”
G
IRL
: “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t even see it in the toilet after I flushed it.”
M
E
: “You flushed the toilet? While your phone was in the bowl? So it went past the U-bend and you still want me to reach in there to get it?”
G
IRL
: “Yes!”
M
E
: “Have you tried calling it?”
(Apparently, she had: For the next twelve hours or so, my coworkers and I got complaints about a toilet that would play “Baby Got Back.”)
S
ANDWICH
S
HOP
| R
HODE
I
SLAND
(The phone rings at 6-ish.)
M
E
: “Hello, this is D—…”
(I hear loud crying in the background.)
M
AN
: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”
M
E
: “I … er … what?”
M
AN
: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*
A
PPLIANCE
R
EPAIR
S
ERVICE
| C
ALIFORNIA
(Our company gives a two-hour time window on when a service tech will show up to a customer’s home. We give this particular customer a time frame between 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. I show up at 3:00 p.m. on the dot, but the customer is not home. I leave a note, and she calls the office at 4:05 p.m.)
C
USTOMER
: “Yes, your technician left a note on the door?”
R
ECEPTIONIST
: “Yes, ma’am. He was there at 3.”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, you better send him back here.”
R
ECEPTIONIST
: “Ma’am, we told you he was going to be there between 2 and 4. Why weren’t you home?”
C
USTOMER
: “Everyone knows that service companies never show up in the time they say, so I figured that was the best time to go shopping.”
R
ECEPTIONIST
: “Sorry, ma’am, but we do show up in the time frame and if we were to be late, we would have called you. Unfortunately, our tech has left the area but we can reschedule you for another day.”
C
USTOMER
: “How dare you! I am calling the manufacturer and filing a complaint! What poor service!”
R
ECEPTIONIST
: “So, let me get this straight. You are gonna call the manufacturer and file a complaint because we were on time?”
C
USTOMER
: “You bet your butt I am!”
R
ETAIL
| T
ORONTO
, C
ANADA
(I am in a record store and I overhear this conversation.)
C
USTOMER
: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz—who do you recommend?”
C
LERK
: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”
C
USTOMER
: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”
C
LERK
: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”
C
USTOMER
: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”
C
OFFEE
S
HOP
| V
ANCOUVER
, B
RITISH
C
OLUMBIA
(A woman walks into the coffee shop and orders a latte with “sexy” foam. I make what I thought was a latte with really “sexy” foam.)
C
USTOMER
: “This isn’t right. I want it with really sexy foam.”
M
E
: “Okay …”
(I make her another, with lots of really thick foam.)
C
USTOMER
: “No, no! Sexy foam, really sexy foam!”
M
E
: “Okay, so less?”
C
USTOMER
: “No, you know … sexy! Sexy foam!”
(I make her a third drink. This time with less foam and more milk.)
C
USTOMER
: “You don’t get it! I want sexy foam. Really sexy foam!”
M
E
: *giving up* “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!”
R
ETAIL
| W
EST
V
IRGINIA
(A woman gets frustrated after I switch out for a coworker to go on break on Black Friday.)
W
OMAN
C
USTOMER
: “Ugh! That is so frustrating! Why didn’t she wait to leave until I was finished?”
M
E
: “Ma’am, she’s been here since 3:45 this morning, and she needed a break. Plus, we’re not robots.”
W
OMAN
C
USTOMER
: “Good. I hate robots.”
CANDID CAMERA
C
OFFEE
S
HOP
| D
ENVER
, C
OLORADO
C
USTOMER
: “What do you have to eat here?”
M
E
: “Whatever you see in the pastry case is to eat; we mainly serve drinks.”
C
USTOMER
: “What’s that up there?”
(He points to one of the boards behind me and I turn around to see what he’s pointing at. I hear a rustling noise; when I turn back around all the money in my tip cup is gone.)