The Definitive Book of Body Language (15 page)

How a woman sees a man: the picture on the left is how a woman perceives the man who doesn't make her laugh. The right-hand picture is how she sees him when he
does
make her laugh

When you smile at another person they will almost always return the smile, which causes positive feelings in both you and them, because of cause and effect. Studies prove that most encounters will run more smoothly, last longer, have more positive outcomes, and dramatically improve relationships when you make a point of regularly smiling and laughing to the point where it becomes a habit.

Evidence shows conclusively that smiles and laughter build the immune system, defend the body against illness and disease, medicate the body, sell ideas, teach better, attract more friends, and extend life. Humor heals.

Holding the hands over the crotch makes men feel
more secure when they feel threatened

Hiding behind a barrier is a normal response we learn at an early age to protect ourselves. As children, we hid behind solid objects such as tables, chairs, furniture, and mother's skirt whenever we found ourselves in a threatening situation. As we grew older, this hiding behavior became more sophisticated and by the age of about six, when it was unacceptable behavior to hide behind solid objects, we learned to fold our arms tightly across our chests whenever a threatening situation arose. During our teens, we learned to make the Crossed-Arms gesture less obvious by relaxing our arms a little and combining the gesture with crossed legs.

As we grow older, the arms-crossing gesture can evolve to the point where we try to make it even less obvious to others.
By folding one or both arms across the chest, a barrier is formed that is an unconscious attempt to block out what we perceive as a threat or undesirable circumstances. The arms fold neatly across the heart and lungs regions to protect these vital organs from being injured, so it's likely that arm-crossing is inborn. Monkeys and chimps also do it to protect themselves from a frontal attack. One thing's certain: when a person has a nervous, negative, or defensive attitude, it's very likely he will fold his arms firmly on his chest, showing that he feels threatened.

Research conducted in the United States into the Crossed-Arms gesture has shown some worrying results. A group of volunteers was asked to attend a series of lectures and each student was instructed to keep his legs uncrossed, arms unfolded, and to take a casual, relaxed sitting position. At the end of the lectures each student was tested on his retention and knowledge of the subject matter and his attitude toward the lecturer was recorded. A second group of volunteers was put through the same process, but these volunteers were instructed to keep their arms tightly folded across their chests throughout the lectures. The results showed that the group with the folded arms had learned and retained 38 percent less than the group who kept its arms unfolded. The second group also had a more critical opinion of the lectures and of the lecturer.

We conducted these same tests in 1989 with 1,500 delegates during six different lectures and recorded almost identical results. These tests reveal that, when a listener folds his arms, not only does he have more negative thoughts about the speaker,
but he's also paying less attention to what's being said. It's for this reason that training centers should have chairs with arms to allow the attendees to leave their arms uncrossed.

Some people claim that they habitually cross their arms because it's comfortable. Any gesture will feel comfortable when you have the corresponding attitude; that is, if you have a negative, defensive, or nervous attitude, folded arms will feel comfortable. If you're having fun with your friends, folded arms will feel wrong.

Remember that with all body language, the meaning of the message is also in the receiver, as well as the sender. You may feel “comfortable” with your arms crossed and your back and neck stiffened, but studies have shown that others' reactions to these gestures are negative. So the lesson here is clear—avoid crossing your arms under any circumstances unless your intention is to show others you don't agree or don't want to participate.

Men's arms rotate slightly inward, while women's arms rotate slightly outward. These rotation differences have enabled men to aim and throw more accurately, while women's splayed elbows give them a wider, more stable position for carrying babies. One interesting difference is that women tend to keep their arms more open when they are around men they find attractive and are likely to fold their arms across their breasts around aggressive or unattractive men.

Inward rotating arms allow men to throw accurately; women's outward rotating arms make for better carrying

Both arms are folded together across the chest as an attempt to put a barrier between the person and someone or something they don't like. There are many arm-folding positions and we'll discuss here the most common ones you're likely to see. Crossed-Arms-on-Chest is universal and is decoded with the same defensive or negative meaning almost everywhere. It is commonly seen among strangers in public meetings, in queues or cafeteria lines, elevators, or anywhere that people feel uncertain or insecure.

Crossed-Arms-on-Chest: he's not coming out and you're not coming in

We attended a meeting of our local council where a debate was held on the cutting down of trees by developers. The developers sat to one side of the room and their opponents, the “greenies,” sat on the other. About half those attending sat with their arms crossed at the opening of the meeting and this increased to 90 percent of the “greenies” when the developers addressed the audience, and almost 100 percent of the developers did it when the “greenies” spoke. This shows how most people will take an arms-folded position when they disagree with what they're hearing. Many speakers fail to communicate their message to their audience because they haven't seen the Crossed-Arms position of their listeners. Experienced speakers know that this gesture means a good “ice breaker” is needed to move their audience into a more receptive position that will change their attitude from negative to positive.

When you see someone take the arms-crossed position, it's reasonable to assume that you may have said something with which they disagree. It may be pointless continuing your line of argument even though the person could be verbally agreeing with you. The fact is that body language is more honest than words.

Your objective should be to try to work out why they crossed their arms and to try to move the person into a more receptive position. The attitude causes the gesture to occur and maintaining the gesture forces the attitude to remain.

A simple but effective way of breaking the arms-folded position is to give the listener something to hold or give them something to do. Giving them a pen, book, brochure, sample, or written
test forces them to unfold their arms and lean forward. This moves them into a more open position and, therefore, a more open attitude. Asking someone to lean forward to look at a visual presentation can also be an effective means of opening the arms-folded position. You could also lean forward with your palms up and say, “I can see you have a question…what would you like to know?” or “What's your opinion?” You then sit or lean back to indicate that it's their turn to speak. By using your palms, you nonverbally tell them that you would like them to be open and honest because that's what you're being.

Salespeople and negotiators are often taught that it's usually safer not to proceed with the presentation of a product or idea until the prospect's reason for folding his arms is uncovered. More often than not, buyers have hidden objections that most salespeople never discover because they missed seeing the buyer's arms-folded cluster, signaling that he was feeling negative about something.

If a person has clenched fists as well as a full arm-cross, this cluster, called Fists-Clenched-Arms-Crossed, shows hostility as well as defensiveness. If it's combined with a tight-lipped smile or clenched teeth and red face, a verbal or even physical attack could happen. A conciliatory approach is needed to discover what is causing it if the reason is not already apparent. This person has an aggressive, attacking attitude.