The Definitive Book of Body Language (45 page)

Time to leave— the new person is not accepted by the others

A conversation between three people may begin in the open triangle position but eventually two people may take the Closed Position to exclude the third person. This group formation is a clear signal to the third person that he should leave the group to avoid embarrassment.

Crossing the knees toward another person shows a sign of interest in or acceptance of that person. If the other person also becomes interested, he will cross knees toward the first person. As the two people become more involved with each other they begin to mirror each other's movements and gestures.

Body Pointing is used to close off a couple and exclude the man on the right

In the picture above, the man and woman to the left have formed a closed position that excludes all others, such as the man on the right. The only way in which the man on the right could participate in the conversation would be to move a chair to a position in front of the couple and attempt to form a triangle, or take some other action to break their closed formation. But for now, they'd like him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Not only do the feet serve as pointers indicating the direction in which a person's mind is going, they also point at people who we find the most interesting or attractive. Imagine you are at a social function and you notice a group of three men and one woman. The conversation seems to be dominated by the men, and the woman is just listening. Then you notice that the men all have their front foot pointing toward the woman.

Feet signaling what's on the owner's mind

With this simple nonverbal cue, the men are each telling the woman they're interested in her. On a subconscious level, she sees the foot gestures and is likely to stay with the group for as long as she is receiving this attention. She's standing with both feet together (neutral) and could eventually point one foot toward the man she finds the most interesting.

Few people ever consider the effect that Body and Foot Pointing play in influencing the attitudes and the responses of others. If you want to make others feel comfortable, use the forty-five-degree Open Position and, when you need to exert pressure, use the direct body point. The forty-five-degree position allows the other person to think and act independently, without feeling pressured. Never approach men directly from the front or women from behind.

These Body-Pointing skills take a little practice to master but they can become natural before long. In your day-to-day encounters with others, Foot Pointing, Body Pointing, and positive gesture clusters such as open arms, visible palms, leaning forward, head tilting, and smiling can make it easy for others not only to enjoy your company, but to be influenced by your point of view.

1. A man and woman approaching on a beach

2. They see each other

3. They pass

Dr. Albert Scheflen, author of
Body Language and the Social Order
, found that when a person enters the company of the opposite sex, certain physiological changes take place. He found that high muscle tone became evident in preparation for a possible sexual encounter, “bagging” around the face and eyes decreased, body sagging disappeared, the chest protruded, the stomach was automatically pulled in, potbellied slumping disappeared, the body assumed an erect posture, and the person seemed to become more youthful in appearance. He noted that
both men and women walked with a livelier, springier gait as a display of health and vitality and to convey their suitability as a partner. A man will stand taller, protrude his jaw, and expand his chest to make himself appear dominant. A woman who is interested will respond by emphasizing her breasts, tilting her head, touching her hair, exposing her wrists, thereby making herself appear submissive.

The ideal place to observe these changes is on a beach when a man and a woman approach each other from a distance. The changes take place when they are close enough to meet each other's gaze and will continue until after they have passed each other, at which time their original posture returns.

Body language is a fundamental part of courtship because it reveals how available, attractive, ready, enthusiastic, sexy, or desperate we are. While some courtship signals are studied and deliberate, others, such as those just mentioned, are completely unconscious. It is still unclear how we learn these signals, but research now shows that many may be inborn.

In the majority of mammals, it's the male that “dresses up” to impress the less-than-colorful females. Humans, however, do it the other way around. For centuries, women have done most of the sexual advertising by decorating themselves in colorful clothing and jewelry and painting their faces. The exception to this was during the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries in Europe, when men adorned themselves with beautiful wigs and colorful clothing and outdressed the average woman. Keep in mind also that, historically, while women have dressed to attract men, men have dressed in clothing to either show status or to frighten away enemies. Today we see the re-emergence of the self-obsessed male who is again beginning to decorate himself like a peacock. We see footballers having facials and manicures, and wrestlers tinting their hair. In the U.S.A. we have seen the emergence of the “metrosexual” male—a heterosexual male
who copies women's behavior patterns—he has manicures, pedicures, and hair coloring, wears fancy clothes, goes to the jacuzzi, eats organic vegetarian food, has Botox, a face-lift, and is in touch with his “feminine side.” While the metrosexual male seems an oddity to many straight men, our observation shows metrosexuals fall into three categories: gay men; effeminate men; and men who realize that assuming traditional female behaviors is a great way to meet lots of women.

Graham was a man who developed a skill that most men would kill to have.

He would attend a social function and somehow quickly scope out the available women, make his choice, and, in almost record-breaking time, would be seen heading toward the exit with her, escorting her to his car, and driving back to his apartment. He would return to the function and repeat this process, sometimes several times in the same evening. He seemed to have a built-in radar for finding the available women at the right time and getting them to go with him. No one knew how he did it.

Research by animal courtship behavior zoologists and behavioral scientists reveals that male and female animals use a series of intricate courtship gestures, some obvious and others subtle, and that most of this is done subconsciously. In the animal world, courtship behavior in each species follows specific and predetermined patterns. For example, in several species of bird, the male struts around the female giving a vocal display, puffing up his feathers, and performing many intricate body movements to gain her attention, while the female appears to display little or no interest. This ritual is similar to that performed by humans when courtship begins.

Human flirtation involves sequences of gestures and expressions not unlike the courtship dances of birds and other animals, as seen on wildlife programs.

The bottom line is that when a person wants to attract the opposite sex, they do so by emphasizing sexual differences. To discourage the opposite sex, we play down or hide these differences.

Graham's technique was first to spot women whose body language indicated they were available and then to respond with his own male courtship gestures. Those who were interested would return the appropriate female signals, giving him the nonverbal green light to proceed to the next stage.

The success women have in intimate encounters is directly related to their ability to send courtship signals to men and to decode those being sent back. For a man, success in the mating game relies mainly on his ability to read the signals being sent to him, as opposed to being able to initiate his own moves. Most women are aware of courtship signals, but men are far less perceptive, often being completely blind to them, which is why so many men have difficulty finding potential mates. Women's difficulty in finding partners is not about reading signals, it's more about finding a man who'll match their criteria.

Graham somehow knew exactly what to look for and women would describe him as sexy, masculine, humorous, and “someone who makes me feel feminine.” This was their reaction to the constant attention he'd give them and the courtship signals he used. Men, on the other hand, described him as aggressive, insincere, arrogant, and not particularly funny— their reaction to the competition Graham represented. Consequently, Graham had few male friends for obvious reasons—no man likes a potential rival for the attentions of his woman. This chapter is devoted to the female signals Graham could see and to the body language he used in return.