The Definitive Book of Body Language (42 page)

Bill Clinton may have been the world's most powerful
man, but when Hillary gestured, he copied—and when
they walk hand-in-hand, she often has the front-hold position

When presenting ideas, products, and services to couples, watching who mirrors whom reveals where the ultimate power or final decision-making ability lies. If the woman makes the initial movements, however small, such as crossing her feet, lacing her fingers, or using a Critical Evaluation cluster and the man copies, there is little point in asking him for a decision— he doesn't have the authority to make it.

Walking in step—Charles leads, Camilla follows slightly behind;
after the beginning of the Iraqi conflict in 2003, Tony Blair began
to mirror George Bush's Thumbs-in-Belt gesture

Mirroring someone's body language makes them feel accepted and creates a bond and is a phenomenon that occurs naturally between friends and people of equal status. Conversely, we make a point of not mirroring those we don't like or strangers, such as those riding with us in an elevator or standing in the queue at the cinema.

Mirroring the other person's body language and speech patterns is one of the most powerful ways to build rapport quickly. In a new meeting with someone, mirror his seating position, posture, body angle, gestures, expressions, and tone of voice. Before long, they'll start to feel that there's something about you they like—they'll describe you as “easy to be with.” This is because they see themselves reflected in you. A word of warning, however: don't do it too early in a new encounter as many people have become aware of mirroring strategies since our
original book
Body Language
was published and over one hundred million people watched the television series that followed. When someone takes a position you have one of three choices—ignore it, do something else, or mirror it. Mirroring pays big dividends. But never mirror a person's negative signals.

Smoking is an outward signal of inner turmoil or conflict and most smoking has less to do with nicotine addiction and more to do with the need for reassurance. It is one of the displacement activities that people use in today's high-pressure society to release the tensions that build up from social and business encounters. For example, most people experience inner tension while waiting outside the dentist's surgery to have a tooth removed. While a smoker might cover up his anxiety by sneaking out for a smoke, nonsmokers perform other rituals such as grooming, gum-chewing, nail-biting, finger- and foot-tapping, cufflink-adjusting, head-scratching, playing with something, or other gestures that tell us they need reassurance. Jewelry is also popular for exactly the same reason—it has high fondle value
and allows its owner to displace their insecurity, fear, impatience, or lack of confidence onto the item.

Studies now show a clear relationship between whether an infant was breastfed and its likelihood of becoming a smoker as an adult. It was found that babies who were largely bottle-fed represent the majority of adult smokers and the heaviest smokers, while the longer a baby was breastfed, the less chance there was that it would become a smoker. It seems that breastfed babies receive comfort and bonding from the breast that is unattainable from a bottle, the consequence being that the bottle-fed babies, as adults, continue the search for comfort by sucking things. Smokers use their cigarettes for the same reason as the child who sucks his blanket or thumb.

Not only were smokers three times more likely to have been thumb-suckers as children, they have also been shown to be more neurotic than nonsmokers and to experience oral fixations such as sucking the arm of their glasses, nail-biting, pen-munching, lip-biting, and enough pencil-chewing to embarrass an average beaver. Clearly, many desires, including the urge to suck and feel secure, were satisfied in breastfed babies but not in bottle-fed babies.

There are two basic types of smokers—addicted smokers and social smokers.

Studies show that smaller, quicker puffs on a cigarette stimulate the brain, giving a heightened level of awareness whereas longer, slower puffs act as a sedative. Addicted smokers are dependent on the sedative effects of nicotine to help them deal with stress and they take longer, deeper puffs and will also
smoke alone. Social smokers usually smoke only in the presence of others or “when I have a few drinks.” This means that this smoking is a social display to create certain impressions on others. In social smoking, from the time the cigarette is lit until it's extinguished, it's being smoked for only 20 percent of the time in shorter, quicker puffs while the other 80 percent is devoted to a series of special body-language gestures and rituals.

A study conducted by Andy Parrot of the University of East London reports that 80 percent of smokers say they feel less stressed when they smoke. However, the stress levels of adult smokers are only slightly higher than those of nonsmokers anyway, and stress levels increase as the smokers develop a regular smoking habit. Parrot also found that stopping smoking actually leads to a reduction of stress. Science now shows that smoking is not an aid for mood control because nicotine dependency
heightens
stress levels. The supposed relaxing effect of smoking only reflects the reversal of the tension and irritability that develop during a smoker's nicotine depletion. In other words, the smoker's mood is normal during smoking, and stressed when
not
smoking. That means that for a smoker to feel normal, the smoker must always have a lit cigarette in his mouth! Furthermore, when smokers quit smoking, they gradually become less stressed over time. Smoking reflects the reversal effect of the tension and stress caused by the lack of nicotine in the blood.

Studies show poor moods occur during the first few weeks after quitting, but there is dramatic improvement once the nicotine is completely gone from the body, reducing craving for the drug and the stress that results from it.

Even though smoking is now banned in many places and contexts, it's an advantage to understand the connection between smoking body-language signals and a person's attitude. Smoking gestures play an important part in assessing emotional states as they are usually performed in a predictable, ritualistic manner that can give important clues to the smoker's state of mind or to what they are trying to achieve. The cigarette ritual involves tapping, twisting, flicking, waving, and other minigestures indicating that the person is experiencing more tension than may be normal.

When women smoke they will often hold the cigarette high, with their wrist bent back in a wrist display gesture, leaving the front of the body open. When men smoke they keep their wrist straight to avoid looking effeminate and drop their smoking hand down below chest level after they puff, keeping the front of the body protected at all times.

Twice as many women smoke as men and both sexes take the same number of puffs per cigarette, but men hold the smoke in their lungs longer, making them more susceptible to lung cancer than women.

Women use the cigarette as a social display
to open the body and display the wrist; men close their
bodies when they smoke and prefer secretive holds

Men will often use the Pinch Hold when smoking, especially if they are trying to be secretive, keeping the cigarette hidden inside the palm. This gesture is commonly used in the movies by actors who play tough guys or who are acting sneaky or suspicious.

Films and media advertising have always portrayed smoking as sexy. Smoking is another opportunity to emphasize our sex differences: It allows a woman to use wrist displays (we'll discuss this in Chapter 15) and open her body to a man and it allows the cigarette to be used like a small phallus being seductively sucked between her lips. A man can highlight his masculinity by holding the cigarette secretively and seductively. Previous generations used a seductive smoking ritual as an acceptable form of courtship, with a man offering to light a woman's cigarette while she touched his hand and held his gaze longer than usual as she thanked him. In many places today, however, smoking is as popular as a fart in a spacesuit, so the smoking courtship ritual is virtually dead. The key to the perceived female sexual attraction behind smoking is the submissive attitude it implies; in other words, it carries the subtle message that a woman who smokes can be persuaded to do things that are not in her best interests. While blowing smoke in a person's face is unacceptable everywhere, in Syria it's seen as a sexual invitation when a man does it to a woman!

Whether a person has a positive or negative attitude toward his circumstances is revealed by the direction in which his smoke is exhaled, whether it's up or down. We are assuming here that the smoker is not blowing the smoke upward to avoid offending others and that he could have blown the smoke in either direction.
A person who is feeling positive, superior, or confident about what he sees or hears will blow the smoke in an upward direction most of the time. Conversely, a person in a negative, secretive, or suspicious frame of mind will blow the smoke down most of the time. Blowing down and from the corner of the mouth indicates an even more negative or secretive attitude.

Smoke blown up: confident, superior, positive;
smoke blown down: negative, secretive, suspicious