The Douchebag Bible (65 page)

use an “ugly” person to sell something?

People say, “Oh! It gives girls an unrealistic

body image!” So? That’s what beauty is, right? When

someone looks exceptionally aesthetically pleasing

to many people. Girls who can’t come to terms with

not being beautiful are shallow. And their attempts

to control the media to stop the tyranny of beauty

are even more shallow.

I am an ugly fuck. I don’t sit around whining

about Brad Pitt giving me an inferiority complex

with his alluring smile and excellent physique. Or

crying that porn stars should have smaller dicks

because I feel inadequate when I see well hung guys.

But you can't win an argument with feminists. No

matter what you say to them you are just a “dudebro”

or a “neckbeard” with “male privilege” and you're

part of “the patriarchy.”

The patriarchy is the secret cabal of males who

make sure women stay good and oppressed. Fit

fathers who lose custody of their children to unfit

mothers—it's your own fault for supporting the

patriarchy! If only you'd have realized that you're a

piece of male scum unworthy of being spit on, then

you'd be able to raise your son.

It doesn't have to make sense. It's feminism.

THE STINKING

GODDAMN

HUMAN

CONDITION AND

OTHER

MEANINGLESS

CONCERNS

talk about humanity. But

first, let's talk about my

Let's perspective on humanity so

that you know where I'm

coming from.

The more I assess the world lately, the more I

feel like a Martian sent by my home planet to survey

a dying culture and take notes. The problem is that I

know I’m not a Martian. I am witnessing the slow

collapse of my own culture, and I’m unsure of what

actions I should take to contravene this outcome.

The realization—the understanding—is that I am

powerless to affect the outcome of the human

experiment.

Carl Sagan postulated that if the Drake

Equation was correct, the most likely reason why

we’d never encountered or been contacted by an

advanced alien race is because all societies that

reach our level of technological advancement end up

destroying themselves. Nothing going on in the

world right now is very reassuring against Sagan’s

hypothesis.

How can I continue to make videos about a

world whose prospects seem as dim as a burnt out

light bulb? How can I put passion into my words,

when all I feel in my heart is a deep malaise that

resembles surrender? I feel like a louse in the hair of

a dying hobo, screaming to the other lice that the

hobo is dying. What a useless waste of effort.

Yet, YouTube butters my bread. And I’ve got a

new project—Not Productive—that will require

much of my formerly free time. I am attempting to

build a future for myself—in a world that I think has

no future. It’s hard to see the point, some days. I

feel like Steve Buscemi’s character, Garland Green.

in the stupid but enjoyable action flick
'Con-Air'
:

ironically singing a children's song while aboard a

crashing plane, certain of the impending disaster

and yet unmoved by its supposed importance.

So you have to remember that when I look at

humanity, my natural tendency is to look at it as

though I were an alien being who has no stake in it.

I think we are the most interesting species on this

planet by a huge margin. We have the widest variety

of the most interesting behaviors.

When I watch a nature documentary, I don’t

judge the Lion for eating cute little Cheetah cubs. I

don’t judge the female spider for eating the male

after mating. I don’t judge ants for waging plunder

campaigns against termites. I don’t judge female

gorillas for eating the offspring of competitor

females. This is just nature. Nature is full of very

naughty and cruel behavior.

Human beings have no magical exemption

from this. If anything, due to our complexity, we are

more prone to odder and deeper cruelty and

viciousness. We are also more prone to very bizarre

sexual behaviors that run the gamut from silly to