The Douchebag Bible (66 page)

sadistic.

Just as I don’t judge animal behaviors, I don’t

judge human ones either. There is no action that a

person can take, other than one directly effecting

myself or my sphere of friends, that will cause me to

judge them harshly. However, while I don't judge

individual humans for their odd transgressions, I do

have some judgments to dole out to the species as a

whole.

There's a popular quotation by Edmund Burke

that, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for

good men to do nothing.”

I think it’s the other way around. I think that

for good to be triumphant, evil men would have to

do nothing. Think about it: if you’ve got a group of

people, and they’re all evil but one, the one can’t stop

the rest from being evil. He can try, but they’ll just

kill him. Or torture him. Or rape him in the ass and

feed his spleen to gophers. The good man did

something. He failed. Evil triumphed.

Now let’s say the reverse is true. Everyone is

good, but one man is evil. All the evil person has to

do is distort the truth to make his evil seem like good.

Human history is full of this type of person—Hitler,

Mao, Stalin, Amin, etc. Good men rose up against

Hitler, but he still managed his genocide. In fact, he

tricked a lot of good men into carrying his evil out.

Because he was deceitful and manipulative—which

are hallmarks of evil. They’re part of the nature of

evil.

Evil is simply better equipped to win,

regardless of the numbers game. Even a simplistic

form of evil like the Columbine shooters, Eric Harris

and Dylan Klebold, have an advantage over good.

They walked into their school and killed their

classmates. No one could stop them. They killed lots

of people who were, presumably, good. No matter

how you slice it, evil won that day. And evil won

again when more complex villains with media and

political power turned kids like me (I was about 14

when Columbine went down) into a scapegoat for

America’s problems. People remember that the

media blamed Marilyn Manson. But everyone

forgets that the media and the politicians also put a

target on the back of every kid that dressed or acted

differently from their peers.

All that is necessary for good to

triumph is for evil men to do nothing.

Humanity is fucked. Our technology has

outpaced our intellect. We still make decisions like

cavemen, because the results of our decisions

probably never used to have an impact beyond our

own tribe. Now, we live in a world where knowledge

is freely available to anyone with access to Google,

and instead of using that, we seek out trivial

distractions.

We live in a world where it would only take one

unstable psychopath with high-level access in the

world government or corporation to unleash a

mega-virus or detonate a dirty bomb in Times

Square.

Our situation is unstable, and it’s something of

a miracle that we haven’t destroyed ourselves

already.

For instance, did you know that the Soviet

Union created, and the current Russian government

CONTINUES TO MAINTAIN, a weapon that will

send hundreds of nuclear missiles our way if there is

a nuclear attack on Russia? What if it’s accidentally

set off by an earthquake? What if Iran bombs Russia,

knowing that in doing so they will assure the total

annihilation of America? This is a huge problem that

our leaders know about . . . and yet don’t even

address!

Sometimes people get on my case about this

sort of thinking. They say, “Why don’t you care

about the fate of humanity?” My reaction is that

humanity is a piece of shit. What’s to care about?

There's plenty to fascinate me about my species, but

very little to endear me to it.

Humanity at its worst is a bunch of murderous

war-mongering jackals and rapists. Crack open a

history book or turn on CNN. You might have to wait

a while on CNN. They’ll probably tell you about

some bimbo actress’ latest dress long before they tell

you the latest death toll in Syria.

Humanity at its best is a bunch of simple-

minded assholes who are so misinformed that they

think that voting means something. Obama or

Romney? That’s not a drastic policy choice. That’s a

superficial choice, and any intellectually honest

person knows it. This is yet another American

election where you have to choose between the

authoritarian right and the slightly less

authoritarian right.

The majority of Americans accept this

blatantly false dichotomy as an exercise in freedom.

And it’s no different in most other countries. The UK

still has monarchs rattling around, for fuck’s sake.

“But, TJ, the monarchy doesn't have any real

power.” Well, congratulations on that. You’ve

managed to pay for, with your tax dollars, people

who do nothing except attend ceremonies and live in

the lap of luxury. Why? Because they came out of a

royal pussy instead of a peasant pussy. Yeah. You’re

so fucking enlightened.

“But, TJ, we make a lot in tourist money from

people coming to see the royal family.” Yes. You've

turned your antiquated system into a tourist trap.

You must be so proud.

Fuck humanity. If you want my concern so

much, then explain to me how you’re worth it. And

don’t throw Beethoven or Einstein at me. Those