The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (12 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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between you, it might better be seen from the perspective of this total being called "couple." In this way, the couple, not the individual, has the problem that "we are not understanding each other." You can generate a solution by asking what the couple can do, not what each individual needs to do. It is not ''If only he would" or "She needs to change," it is "How can our couple support clearer communication, without judgment or blame?"
Our notion of couple is unusual. You are not "a" couple, you are merely "couple." Couple is an entity made from two individuals but greater than and different from the sum of its two parts. It may have its own specific characteristics. Consider, for instance, that your couple has its own unique personality: Your friends may spend time with you because you are a "fun" couple, or they may enjoy how you tease each other or flirt or cooperate or laugh. How to create a couple with a winning and fulfilling personality becomes the next question.
The process by which a couple becomes "couple" is one we call "co-creating." In this type of relationship, both people operate as a couple all the time, even if they are not in the presence of their partner. This means they consider each other and are empowered by their mutual visions and support. They are not striving to achieve any particular type of relationship; they are merely creating their relationship together as they go along. Each of them sees that what they have at stake is being able to be happy and fulfilled with each other most of the time. They imagine together the joint future they desire to have. A co-creating couple is a special relationship, a team with a common goal. Even though one or both partners might be in a bad mood or stressed out one day, they know they will be able to work things out and generate solutions. If they cannot agree on what to do, they take turns thinking of a plan or solution, or they originate something new.
 
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Stacey always wanted to exercise regularly, but with three small children and Greg putting in extra hours at his new business, it seemed impossible. They couldn't afford a regular sitter, and how could she ask Greg to take time off to watch the kids while she went to the gym? Not getting out had made Stacey tired and cranky, and she found herself shouting at the children a great deal more than usual. When Greg was home, she was often angry with him for not appreciating her. She was jealous that he was able to go to work, have lunch with his coworkers, and spend most of his day with adults. She was afraid that if she told Greg how she felt, he would say she was whining. After all, she had it easy. She got to stay with the kids all day, talk with her friends on the phone, go shopping and take Heather, Ryan, and Kara to the playground. Greg, in the meantime, was working long hours to support them. He didn't have any free time. Whenever he wasn't at the office, he tried to be at home to help with the kids.
One night when Greg came home after working late, he found Stacey sitting in the dark, crying. He asked what was wrong, and she told him what she was feeling. She was surprised by his response. He said he loved her and that they could work out their problems together. After the kids were in bed, they continued the discussion and talked long into the night. They co-created a solution. Greg agreed not to work late on Tuesdays and Thursdays and to take the kids on Saturday mornings. This made time for Stacey to attend an aerobics class. They decided they were both responsible for making sure that she exercised. It was important to their couple, not just to Stacey. They could see that, and so the solution was co-created.
Co-creating couples are not always easy to find. Operating together in this way requires a perspective that may take some time to learn or recognize. It involves sharing responsibility for
 
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almost everything you do or think in your relationship. Dreams are an important place to start. Remembering, examining, and exchanging them helps you understand what each of you experiences in your individual lives. The images and symbols your dreams contain are your own creations. They "belong" to you and you "own" them. Ownership means responsibility not in a negative sense, but in a creative sense. These dreams come out of the deepest parts of yourselves and can be daring, innovative, fun, and enlightening.
Talking about Dreams
Learning to acknowledge that you make your own dreams and that they belong to you can be very empowering. Whether you realize it or not, you are in charge of what you dream, both consciously and unconsciously. At first it may seem that you have created only the obvious parts of dreams, but the more you think about or work on your dreams, the more hidden meanings come to the surface. Like a puzzle, putting the pieces together leads you to realize that your mind may be thinking about things of which you are not aware. Learning to work with and share dreams exercises your ability to reveal concealed images and take ownership and control of some of your own psychological processes. Ownership means merely that you can acknowledge that this dream or this image is one that you made up or discovered. When sharing, you are practicing taking responsibility for a part of yourself and giving that part to another person. This "ownership" talk is a nonjudgmental and accepting way of communicating about things. It keeps you from having to be defensive in conversations about important as well as trivial issues.
You may think it is silly to speak about dreams or relation-
 
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ships using a special language, but in fact, following a particular conversational guideline and using a certain vocabulary helps you break out of the traditional ways of speaking about intimate things. We call this "dream language." It is based on the idea that the world exists for you only as you see it. In other words, what you think is real is only your own perception of things. Your perceptions filter all your experiences. Sometimes these perceptions are influenced by the reactions of those around you, but in the end it is up to you to decide what sense to make of something. Your experiences are also influenced by how you choose to describe themthe "percepts," or specific ways you depict a situation. Perceptions are part of you. Sharing them is sharing a part of yourself.
Using this language to talk about your dreams with your partner creates a new level of communication that emphasizes how what you dream about or imagine is an expression of yourself. Things don't happen to you in your dreams, you
have
them happen. Characters in your stories are not strangers, they are parts of your own personality or memory that you may choose not to see. Exploring your life of dreams and visions using this sort of language allows you to touch and be touched intimately in a different way. Learning to use dream language may be difficult and awkward at first, but it provides new "juice" for your communication and sharing. In chapter 7 you will learn more specifically how to create and use dream language based on your unique perceptions of the world.
How Dreams can Help Couple
Speaking a dream language that makes you feel responsible for your own perceptions is an important way to learn about each other. Knowing your partner from the "inside" by hearing how
 
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he or she sees the world is informative, exciting, and downright interesting. In a dream couple, everyday discourse about perceptions, dreams, and visions can help to keep you close in numerous ways. Communicating through percepts can reveal hidden feelings. By encouraging the use of this new and sometimes cumbersome speech, you are compelled to gain clarity. The effort allows for new information and insights about you to come out. Often these new revelations bring up feelings not felt for a long time. Using a new language brings a couple closer to their feelings and their dreams. Whether they know it or not, for many couples a great deal of energy is spent trying to avoid the expression of strong or intimate feelings for fear that they will damage the relationship. Sharing dreams regularly gives you a chance to practice talking about deep-seated images and feelings in a way that is less threatening and more enjoyable. After all, talking about a conflict with your partner that you experience in a dream is easier than trying to discuss a similar circumstance that has occurred in waking life. It gives some distance to the matter and makes both of you feel a little less defensive. It puts more responsibility on the speaker and less on the other person. You are not talking about how the other person really is, only how you have experienced her or him in your dream. Focusing on dreams and creating visions also keeps your relationship vital, spontaneous, and fun. If you routinely converse about your dreams, you can experience more of life.
Julie and Frank had just moved into a new house, their first one together. They didn't have much furniture. They were thinking that a nice bookshelf would fill a crucial space in their new den. They stood together, staring at the space, visualizing what they would like to see there. A bookcase with some fancy trim was what they imagined. Later that day they went to an auction
 
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not far from where they lived and saw the perfect piece. They bid on the bookcase up to the amount of money they thought they could afford, but at the last second they were outbid. They left feeling disappointed and a little angry. Julie told Frank that he should have bid a little more, and he responded that she had not been clear with him about how much they could spend. Both felt they had missed a great opportunity.
When they got home, they were barely speaking. As they walked through their empty den, Julie reminded Frank that they had created a vision for it before. Now all they had to do was create another new possibility. They stood together again in the room and created a vision without a bookcase. Frank shared that he didn't really want books in the den; he would rather put them on the existing shelves they had in the basement. Julie saw that the den might be a great place for the TV and some big pillows. They both remembered that his parents had offered them an old entertainment center they didn't need. That would fit nicely into this TV room! They began to get excited about what was now possible for the den without the bookcase. By the end of the day, they were enthusiastic about what they had ''visioned."
Using your dreams and visions can enhance the quality of your relationship in a number of ways. Having a happy couple means constantly creating and re-creating it. Just as Julie and Frank were able to make a new plan, you can use new ideas and possibilities to make sure you have the fulfilled partnership you want to have.
The Important Elements of Couple
Having dreams and talking about them is not enough. A great marriage or friendship involves more than just good feelings. It also needs a number of elements to make it work on a day-to-
 
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day basis. These elements are tasks that must be performed well, or behaviors that help people feel comfortable and fulfilled. They are the four Cs of a dream couple: commitment, cooperation, communication, and community. Having all four is the key to a lasting relationship. If one is left out, you may struggle to make up for it or feel as though you are always trying to be happy but never quite getting there. Each of these elements is important in its own way, but they must initially be learned and accomplished in a certain order.
Commitment
After only three years of marriage, Gwen and Jeff found themselves in a therapist's office. This was especially disturbing to them because it was the second marriage for Gwen and the third for Jeff. Gwen said she didn't feel close to Jeff anymore, and Jeff complained that Gwen had become more irritable and demanding over the past few months. They never seemed to have fun anymore and seemed to argue about almost everything. The arguments were so frequent and hurtful to both of them that they were thinking of splitting up. They just couldn't stand the tension any longer. Neither of them really wanted to come home after work, and they avoided each other at home. The therapist asked if they loved each other. They both nodded without much conviction. They said they seemed to communicate pretty well, but these days something just seemed to be missing. Gwen and Jeff felt discouraged and depressed. They could barely look at each other and sat at opposite ends of the couch in the therapist's office.
The therapist asked them why they got married in the first place. They loved each other, they replied, and wanted to be together for the rest of their lives. The therapist asked what, at the time of their wedding, they imagined they would be doing
 
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three years later. Jeff described a life of fun and fulfillment. Gwen talked about sharing and closeness. As they described their dreams from three years earlier, they each began to smile. The mood in the room changed. What had gotten them sidetracked from the vision they had just a few years ago? They didn't know, but they missed it.
When they got married, Jeff and Gwen had a commitment to a future together. Now they feared that future was not coming to pass, and they questioned whether they were right in agreeing to it in the first place. Once they no longer felt committed, they saw each other's behavior differently. Was he really committed to her or just passing time? Did she really love him, or was she just using him? Now they looked at each other with suspicion. When they spoke, each wondered what the other's underlying motive was.
The therapist spoke to Gwen and Jeff about restoring or re-creating their commitment. He suggested that they write new vows and say them to each other at the next session. The therapist would supply a small "re-wedding" cake and a handful of rice.
At the next session, the change was noticeable. Even before the small ceremony began, they were arm in arm and laughing. They described how much fun it was to rewrite their promises and how young they felt. After they read their vows to the therapist, had some cake, and removed the rice from their hair, they agreed that they should regularly share their commitment to each other and to their relationship. The therapist suggested that they do it weekly.
This example demonstrates the fact that for a successful couple, commitment to make things work, to have a great relationship, is essential before anything else good can happen. Without commitment there can be little real cooperation

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