The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (15 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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in various ways. This is exactly what you can do with your relationshipcreate it, cherish it, nurture it, and empower it to stand on its own as a unique entity.
The difference between a couple and an actual human being is that the kind of couple we are talking about is manifested in language as opposed to biology. "Couple" is a way of being, not a physical being per se. You have to speak your relationship into being through a couple vision or proclamation. According to Carl Huber, one of the designers of this method, "[The couple] is, nonetheless, every bit as real as a body, and we should treat it so and respect, acknowledge, and care for its being properly."
The "Dream Baby"
Now let's go through the procedures for the proper "birth, care, and feeding" of this dream baby.
Time and place: The first thing to do in designing your couple vision is to create an environment in which each partner is ready and willing to focus on the "birth process." The necessary conditions need to be met for a successful birthing to take place. Check with each other to make sure this is a good time to be co-creating your visioning dream; if it is not, agree on another time. Similarly, pick a setting you both like and that is private enough for you to focus on the task. Some couples like to pick a quiet time at home when they won't be disturbed by children or the telephone; others may choose to go out for lunch or dinner. An enterprising couple we know likes to work on their couple proclamations in the bathtub by candlelight. You might also want to wait until you are relaxed in bed together and then incubate, or suggest to yourselves, to have a dream that will give you ideas for your couple vision. Take some quiet time in the morning to share the dream stories,
 
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images, or words that came to you. Let yourselves lie in bed and daydream about what your vision looks and feels like.
Figure out what works for you, and make it happen. Just as in childbirth, you may not feel that you are completely ready for what is about to occur, but it's happening nevertheless! Your whole being and that of your partner is primed for the event. You're both committed to give it your all. You are "in labor" to give birth to your newly created relationship through your speaking.
Fact, not hope: Identify in general terms a description of your ideal couple. Think about it as the kind of couple you are committed to be as individuals as well as who you are as a couple entity. Each of you may work on your own proclamation and then share it, or you may want to start out brainstorming on both your individual and your couple visions together. Visualize your proclamation as a "dream come true"one that is being created now.
An often helpful approach is to ask yourselves what we call the "miracle question": "If a miracle occurred in this relationship that allowed it to be exactly like I/we wanted it to be, how would it look and what would I/we notice?" Sometimes thinking in terms of a miracle is the only way a couple can begin to see the possibility of any positive change at all. One couple we know, who was so discouraged about their relationship that all they could see was splitting up, allowed themselves to consider the miracle question. What they both came up with almost immediately was seeing each other being supportive and loving as they faced the difficulties and challenges of their past. Tears came to their eyes, and they committed to work on their relationship, beginning with creating a couple vision.
However you identify your vision, make sure you state your proclamation in the present tense as a declaration of fact or an
 
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existing state of being, rather than as an unfulfilled desire. For example, speak your vision as "We are loving partners in everything we do," rather than "We
want
to be loving partners in everything we do." The Declaration of Independence proclaimed that "all men are created equal," not "we
want
all men to be created equal.'' Expressing a wish or a hope actually creates tension between what is and what could be; stating a commitment bypasses the unfulfilled desire and allows for effective action without the underlying dissatisfaction or fear.
For example, we had been struggling for years to accomplish some things we wanted to do together professionally. We finally found success when we operated from two powerful proclamations that we created: "We've made it" and "We're up to it." The first proclamation helped us overcome our lack of confidence by encouraging us to act as though we were already successful rather than trying to get there. The second one, three months later, helped motivate us to stick with it and accomplish our goals. We stated our proclamations to each other and to ourselves when we needed inspiration or energy to get us on to the next thing. Having these statements to refer back to as a resource helped us through some difficult times when we might have been tempted, as in the past, to abandon the whole project.
Couple, not individual, focus: Another key element in producing an effective proclamation for your couple is to make sure that you speak it in terms of "we," not "I" That plural wording clarifies that the focus is on the couple as an entity, not on each of you as individuals. The vision statement should reflect that each individual goal is actually a couple goal, even if it may seem to be a task for only one of you. As a rather mundane example, take the job of getting the laundry done. If it needs to be washed, the couple can create a way of being and a plan for producing clean clothes. The focus is on completing
 
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the task in the most expedient manner; who does it is not the main issue. The ''couple result" is what's important.
This way of operating may sound threatening or frightening if it seems like a loss of personal freedom. We have found, however, that individual identity is even stronger when a commitment to couple is present. Each individual may accomplish things as a couple that are not otherwise likely to occur alone. This is because the co-creative couple empowers self-expression in all aspects of each partner's life. What really matters is not individual success, but the results the couple has committed to create. One couple, both graduate students, used this model when they became frustrated getting their doctoral dissertations completed. When they created the proclamation "We are creative and successful," they were able to take on the projects as a joint responsibility and get them both finished more quickly without resentment on the part of either of them.
Expression and tone: The next step in developing the proclamation in your couple vision is to practice saying it together and to each other. It's not just what you say, it's how you say it. Initially, repeating the proclamation is a way of checking to see if this is, in fact, the most powerful statement for both of you at this time. How will you know that it fits for you and your partner? When you hear it spoken out loud, and it excites and motivates you to see new possibilities for your relationship. Allow the statement to trigger the good feelings from the daydreams that inspired it. When you or your partner states your vision, look for expressions of elation or changes in physical posture. You may sense your partner's face brightening, the tone of voice changing, or his or her body moving forward as you create a new reality for your relationship. You may notice physiological changes in yourself that reflect a high degree of relaxation, satisfaction, and joy. Locate these sensations in your
 
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body, describe them to your partner, and use this experience as a physical reminder of your commitment to your couple. If these sensations do not occur, keep at it until the power of the proclamation is present in both the words and the way they are stated. Don't accept a so-so statement just to have one. It needs to inspire you both in order to generate a new future for your relationship, not just more of the same old stuff.
After you have worked on making proclamations for a while, you will learn to fine-tune your ability to track the power of their expression. In the meantime, keep experimenting with different wording and ways of stating your proclamation until you both agree that you have something that really works for both of you. If possible, check out the statement of your couple vision with another person or couple, and ask them if they can hear the power in it. An outside observer or "coach" (more on this in chapter 6) can be invaluable for getting what you want for your relationship and making sure you are on the right track.
For example, we were coached by another couple in creating a proclamation we used while writing this book. They brainstormed with us and took notes on all the possible wordings we came up with. Here are the various statements they wrote down as we tried them out:
We are shooting stars.
We empower each other's creativity.
We are creating together.
We excite and empower each other.
We are powerful together.
We are totally together.
We are powerfully aligned.

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