The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (14 page)

Read The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships Online

Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

Tags: #test

BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
6.35Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
 
Page 80
Phyllis had this dream shortly after we began working in earnest on this book. She shared the dream with Peter and several other people, including an intuitive woman she met whose home resembled the one in the dream. This woman interviewed Phyllis about the dream and told her that she thought the stars represented this book and other books in her future. When Phyllis looked at the dream in this context, the whales seemed to represent creativity and intuition, supported by a powerful community. She shared this with Peter, along with her concern about making progress on the book. She felt it was time to ''shit or get off the pot" (the toilet in the dream) and get some writing done. By framing these feelings more positively in terms of the excitement she felt in the dream about taking off together in the fertile waters of creation (the whales in the ocean), we both could obtain more powerful inspiration and motivation to continue our work together. Out of this, she created a vision or proclamation for our couple of "We are shooting stars." This vision helped us get moving on the writing rather than staying put in the dark (behind the clouds).
The "Shooting Stars" dream instigated a vision that empowered us into action. To be useful, visioning statements have to be framed and stated in such a way that they inspire people to commit to do something. Without this element, visions remain "dreamlike" in the old Webster's dictionary sense: insubstantial, vague, shadowy. This is the common definition of a
dreamer
as someone who is idle and unrealistic, living in a fantasy world. But many people know that dreams and visions do not have to be conceived of in this way. A dreamer can also be regarded as a visionary, as someone who is forward-looking and powerful.
Consider the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and his "I Have a Dream" speech. He knew the power of language and speaking passionately, and he used it to reach millions of people. His
 
Page 81
vision of social and economic freedom touched the hearts of people everywhere. It served, and still serves, to uplift us when we are confronted with obstacles on the path to realizing that dream. As the film director Milton Katselas, who knows in his own way what it takes to realize a dream, says of Dr. King in his book
Dreams into Action
: "His dream was practical, down-to-earth, easy to understand. . . . Because his dream was specific, real, and passionate, it inspires us to go on seeking the 'promised land.'" The same is true for creating visions to attain the "promised land" of positive couple relationships: We need to have concrete dreams and speak them powerfully.
The dreams we have for our couples often seem to be unrealistic expectations about finding or having the "right" partner or the "perfect" relationship that meets all our needs all the time. Human nature being what it is, people usually fail in this regard and blame either themselves or the other person. This attitude often leads to despair or divorce. Even though the rate is leveling off, divorce in the United States still approaches 50 percent, and that does not include couples who are separated. In addition, those couples who do stay married report a decreasing level of satisfaction. The longer a couple is married, the less likely they are to get divorced, but they are also less likely to be fully content in their marriage. This may be largely due to their failed expectations or to dreams that were not grounded in reality or committed action.
Finding Positive Models
Most people are confused or unrealistic about how to create or sustain a vision of a successful relationship. Some are fortunate enough to have parents or grandparents who serve as positive models of a couple. More often than not, however, these models
 
Page 82
either do not apply in our current situation, or they exist only as a negative representation of what we want to avoid in our own lives. The popular media offer little help in providing appropriate modeling or visions for couple relationships. We rarely see television news accounts of family successes or effective couples. Instead, programs focus on celebrity divorces, child custody battles, domestic violence, and what is otherwise wrong with our relationships. Even when a successful couple, is being formed, the society pages of our nation's newspapers downplay this new entity in favor of the beautiful bride, acknowledging only briefly that there is also a groom. Only recently has
The New York Times
, for example, started running a photo of both the bride and groom as a couple.
Television largely presents overly idealized couples or families having problems that are always resolved in a timely manner, that is, in the thirty or sixty minutes allotted to a sitcom. Films give us primarily romantic illusions or tragic endings to relationships. Most movies and rock videos perpetuate the notion that sex is the answer to our problems. Very few models are provided that give a vision of the joy of everyday life in a relationship. The message is that normal couple life is boring, unfulfilling, mundane, and therefore undesirable. The fantasy or vision that seems to be encouraged is one of constant arousal rather than a more stable, grounded form of relationship. We learn to focus on what is missing rather than on creating a positive vision of what is present or possible sexually as well as in the rest of our relationship. There is a way to frame couple visions, however, that can be empowering and sustaining over time. We just need to know where to look.
We cannot rely on finding it in our traditional education system. Few courses are offered in relationship building, and they are often focused only on sexuality. Little is presented to
 
Page 83
teach young people about how to create and sustain a vision for a successful relationship. Some churches or synagogues provide premarital instruction, but mostly in a religious context emphasizing obedience rather than creative visions. The bottom line is that the nuts and bolts of creating a sustaining vision for the everyday functioning of a couple are rarely taught anywhere.
So where can we find help? This is where the notion of dreams, and visioning dreams in particular, comes in. We have discussed already the power that clearly stated visions have had in creating the direction and accomplishments of the American nation. With all the obstacles they faced, the Founding Fathers of the United States still proclaimed their vision as "Truths" that were "self-evident." Nearly a hundred years later, Abraham Lincoln brought forth his vision for freedom and equality in the Emancipation Proclamation with full awareness of the concerted effort it would take to make it a reality. John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. were also visionaries who stated their dreams with passion, clarity, and commitment. Successful businesses, too, now create "mission statements" for their organizations. A similar process can be used for creating couple visions.
The Declaration of Independence declared a nation into being, and the Emancipation Proclamation established the ideal of equality by saying it was so. A "couple proclamation," if you will, can create the entity of couple in the same way. Just as these two esteemed documents proclaimed the truths to which its supporters were committed, a couple proclamation distinguishes what is true for each partner about the relationship and can enable them to remain committed to the objectives they have agreed upon. Being "couple"not "a couple," as discussed earlierbecomes a commitment to live from, not just a
 
Page 84
thing to achieve or have. It is not so important that you do a particular thing in order to be couple, but rather that you return to the belief that you already
are
couple because you have proclaimed it to be so. It is "self-evident." In this sense, a partnership is a place to come from rather than something to get to. It is not found, but generated together. This kind of relationship is not dependent on individual feelings, circumstances, or previous experience, but can be produced by a joint vision of what is possible for the future. Couple can then be seen as a process, not a thing.
We often spend time wishing for the perfect relationship rather than acknowledging the value of the one that is already there. Dealing with a difficult couple relationship is like having a "shadow" or past already in place. Impacting it might involve not so much changing the shadow or previous expectations, but changing the source of the light. Moving the "sun" (that is, the hopes, visions, and longings) opens possibilities not seen before. This shifting of the source from past to future involves co-creating visions together and using real, visionary imagination.
Having a couple vision establishes a foundation to fall back on even when it doesn't seem like things are working at the moment. Civil rights activists do not abandon the Emancipation Proclamation whenever they encounter injustice. On the contrary, they go back to its fundamental principles, using them as their motivation. Similarly, a visioning dream for a couple, or what we call a couple vision, can be repeated as a way of infusing even the most tension-filled situations with a sense of purpose and commitment. Producing a visioning dream that accomplishes this is a challenging but transforming process. Keep your eye on your vision, and your couple will begin to reflect its light.
 
Page 85
"Till Death Do Us Part . . ."
The first experience many couples have of stating a visioning dream and speaking their commitment aloud is in their marriage vows. (Unmarried couples may also make similar statements to each other.) Countless numbers of couples have committed "to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part." Other couples create their own personal words of devotion and commitment, reciting them with passion and sincerity on their wedding day, but never looking at or hearing them again. Their vows become vague memories, tucked away with the wedding dress, the photos, and the video. This disappearance may even be made explicit, as one groom said after reciting his vows and kissing the bride: "Thank goodness, I won't have to do that anymore!"
Forgetting or neglecting the words of the original marriage proclamation is more than unfortunate; it threatens the very survival and growth of the couple. What keeps the couple alive is not the fact that the proclamation was made, but that it
continues
to be made. Regularly speaking the commitment and vision in the present creates a "life force" for the partners. In their book
The Art of Ritual
, Renee Beck and Sydney Metrick point out that repetition creates the effect of a ritual, "increasing balance and connection within ourselves, with each other, the world, and with the larger rhythms and energies that bring stability and light to our lives."
One place to start in creating a visioning dream for your couple is to rediscover your wedding vows, if you still have them, or create new ones. You might even want to reenact a wedding ceremony or ritual in which you recite your vows to each other, perhaps in the company of friends. Then continue speaking them at home on a regular basis to reinforce their
 
Page 86
power in your lives. Notice how you feel after saying and hearing them repeated aloud. Share with your partner what the experience is like for you. Pay attention to which parts of the vows still inspire you and which words may not fit anymore. Don't get stuck in holding onto an old model if it isn't working or empowering you or your couple in the present. Often the original marital statements of commitment take on the quality of obligation and even sacrifice rather than vision and possibility. Scrap those limiting ideas and start fresh.
Creating a Couple Vision
Even if you are satisfied with your wedding vows, experiment next with creating together a new visioning dream or proclamation for your couple. Going through the practice of co-creating such a vision can be inspiring. The object of proclaiming a new vision for a relationship is, in the words of psychotherapist and author Eric Berne, ''to preserve the formal contract if possible while at the same time allowing each party to obtain as much satisfaction as possible . . . As each spouse emerges in a new form, an opportunity is offered for a psychological remarriage if they both desire it." Whether you use your previous vows or not, the opportunity for your couple is to create something new that didn't exist before, something that is greater than the sum of its parts.
Think of your couple vision as a joint venture in which you are creating a single entity called "couple"the couple of your dreams. What you are doing is much like conceiving a baby: Your couple is giving birth to a living being. Over time, you will nurture, love, and support this being as it develops. After growing in a protected environment for a while with much attention, it goes out into the world expressing itself uniquely

Other books

Yazen (Ponith) by Nicole Sloan
ROMANCE: Lust by Appointment by Brittanee Farrow
Stockholm Surrender by Harlem, Lily
Telling Lies to Alice by Laura Wilson
Fragment by Warren Fahy
The Long Way Home by Mariah Stewart
Love or Duty by Grieve, Roberta
Death of a Chancellor by David Dickinson
Two Weeks by Andrea Wolfe