The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (24 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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Page 122
Cooperation and Partnership
In the following dream about cooperation, a young mother named Dana finishes her dream in a way that empowers her actions in waking life. Her dream is initially quite frightening, but she turns that energy into a positive form by completing her dream in waking fantasy and creating a vision from it.
The Two-Story House
I'm in a big two-story house with my husband and son, Barry, and some other people. It becomes clear that an attack or invasion is about to take place. I'm told to take Barry and go to another room with the women. I'm told that's the way it's all set up. I'm confused and scared.
Dana changes the dream and creates a new ending:
I go into a women's meeting with my son. A young woman is explaining that we are here to plan new approaches to parenting and family life. Our primary belief is that of shared responsibilities between a couple. The plan is to present this as a political platform in the next election. We are in the midst of a revolution, she says, and things are going to change for the better! The men are developing a similar platform from their own point of view. We will get together with them soon, and they will take their turn looking after the children. I feel encouraged and excited by the meeting and plan to become more involved in the political end of it.
Dana reported that completing this dream in fantasy helped her see herself more actively involved in reorganizing her home life after the birth of her baby. Instead of feeling depressed, confused, and scared, as in the dream, she could imagine another way (the vision): taking control, cooperating with her husband in partnership, and making constructive changes in her life.
 
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This dream and the vision Dana created demonstrate an important aspect of cooperation in a relationship. It highlights not only the role cooperation can play but also a commitment to continuing collaboration. Couples have to learn to cooperate in many ways as a matter of course. What makes relationships work most effectively is the establishment of a partnership. Partnership is the agreement for ongoing cooperation. In practice, this means that you and your partner work together in all things. Even though only one of you may actually perform the job or do the task, everything you do is a joint venture. This allows you to support each other and keep each other aware of what is going on. A committed partnership requires constant sharing. Your relationship becomes the given at all times. You begin every action or thought from the position of being together. Being a couple is not something to be achieved; rather, it is a place to start from. Once you become couple, that couple then takes on the issues you have to face. For some people, the problems they encounter are tests as to how well the couple is operating. In healthy couples, it is the relationship that confronts the problems, not the problems that confront the relationship.
Autonomy and Compromise
There are a number of recurrent obstacles to cooperation in a relationship. One of the most common is one or both partners feeling that in order for things to go smoothly, one has to give in or compromise regularly. Arguments may be settled by one person giving in or trying to get his or her way secretly or at a later time. Wives may report that they have to put their needs on hold in order for the husband to get the job he wants or work the hours he needs. Husbands may feel that they have to give in to the wife's desires for more conversation or constant expression of feeling. In essence, people are afraid that in
 
Page 124
order to be in a couple, they have to give up who they are as individuals. Consider the following dream of a young woman named Jeanne.
Little Green Apples
I am waiting for James outside a small grocery store. He appears, and we embrace, then go inside the store to buy some apples. There are many different kinds of apples. He gives me the biggest, reddest one he can find. I thank him but feel uneasy, because green apples are my favorite, and he made the choice for me.
In describing the dream, Jeanne said, "James likes to give me presents, but often he assumes he knows what I want and makes choices for me." This dream alerted her to how much this really bothers her. She was reluctant to discuss this with him, but this dream gave her a clue: "I began by thanking him, as I did in the dream, for the things he gives me and does for me; from there I made him see that I need to start making more of my own choices." After they talked about it, this area of their relationship improved.
A relationship involves balancing partnership, autonomy, and intimacy. For some, intimacy, the sharing of deep feelings and vulnerabilities, is frightening, especially when little trust has been established. A balance needs to be struck between the needs of the individual and the requirements of the relationship. Achieving this balance takes cooperation and communication. First, you must remember that your concerns about losing your identity as an individual come from your own thoughts. You are an individual no matter what you or others think. The main danger is not that others will think you have lost your identity; it is your own fear, rather, that frightens you. You are yourself if you say you are.

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