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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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when she was able to get those emotions out. She said, "I felt a great relief after this dream, and again when settling the financial affairs with my ex-husband, which I did quickly and easily."
Dreams and visions can help you deal with transitions in your life. They can provide information and insight on how to change relationships with others and how to end them as well. Visions can be used not only to end a current relationship, but also to change it into one more to your liking. Such visions can create the possibility of effective custody arrangements, innovative visitation agreements, or even the structure for a friendship following a divorce or separation. Visions can create cooperation in circumstances that might otherwise be difficult. A proclamation such as "We are still friends" can allow for cooperation without animosity. Dreams like the one above can show you the way to these creative, cooperative solutions. They can help you invent new possibilities for being with others in your world.
Cooperation, then, is the second major element of a healthy relationship. It requires commitment and a real sense of team. Whenever you wonder if there is cooperation in a relationship, ask yourself if you feel like you are on a team with that person, if you have a common vision that is bigger than yourself. Better still, ask your partner if he or she feels like a teammate with you. If you both feel that way, you can play and work together.
Once you know that you are on the same team, there are many things you can do to make the team better, which have been described in this chapter. But you must let each other know how you are doing, how you think each other is doing, and what you would like each of you to do. To accomplish this, it is necessary to have good communication skills. Good communication, and how your dreams can help you achieve it, is covered in chapter 7.
 
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Chapter Seven
Communication: Using Dreams to Enhance Couple Sharing
If you ask people to identify the main problem in their relationship, most will say "communication." Each person feels that he or she is not heard, noticed, or understood enough. But without a commitment to the couple, there can be no real cooperation among the partners, and without a willingness to commit and cooperate, there can be little lasting value in the communication between them. We need to be careful what we say in the name of good communication, because words can as easily hurt as help, can easily destroy as build.
To have effective conversations, a true couple partnership is necessary, based on shared visions, commitments, and agreements. In the words of Alfonso Montuori and Isabelle Conti, authors of
The Partnership Planet
: "A partnership dialogue involves both parties listening, questioning, probing, exploring, but also trying to build something together." Couples can create this way of functioning when they work together on both their
 
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waking visions and their nighttime images. But you must carefully develop and monitor the process for it to work properly. There are specific practices, techniques, and behaviors you can easily learn that will enable your couple to benefit from your conversations and your dreamwork in new and powerful ways. You may already be familiar with a few of the methods; others may seem strange or awkward at first. Get acquainted with them, and then try them with your partner. You will be amazed at the results.
Use Active Listening
Communication is a two-way process. It requires both speaking and listening. We feel such pressure in our society to say the right thing, but we don't give much attention to the other part of the process:
hearing
the right thing. Research shows that people remember only a small percentage of what they hear. Yet listening is one of the most important elements of communication, and it is essential to effective sharing of both waking and sleeping dreams. It seems simple to do, but most people either don't know how or they neglect to do it at crucial times. For many people, listening is a passive behavior in which they just wait for their turn to get into the act again. For others, it is a defensive stance that they maintain to protect themselves from being attacked. The wife of one couple in conflict said that she felt like she spent 80 percent of her attention being defensive and 20 percent actually hearing what her husband was saying.
For the couple who is co-creating their relationship, what is required for effective communication is
active listening
, that is, being fully present and attentive to your partner's experience. Think of it as "listening with the heart," not only the ears. You can learn to listen actively by staying committed to digging
 
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deeper into the experience of each other and your couple when you are communicating.
Sharing your dreams is excellent practice for active listening. For dream sharing to be most effective, however, you may want to beef up some of your listening skills first. In this chapter, we discuss some communication exercises that can help.
Work on these exercises individually, then try them with each other. Your focus should be on identifying the barriers to sustaining couple and on actively exploring new possibilities. Listen uncritically to each other, and accept your partner's responses as a contribution to your couple and as an opportunity for learning more about each other. Keep in mind that the only "right" answers are the answers that are true for you now, so be as honest as you can. In exploring your answers together, take care not to give a response designed to please your partner or yourself. Instead, tell the truth about what fits for you. Following are some exercises to get you started.
The Essential Aspects of Couple: Barriers or Possibilities?
Think
What are my basic thoughts about being part of a couple?
Do:
Read the ten statements below, and consider to what extent you agree or disagree with each. On a blank sheet of paper, write down the following statements. Then put down a number from 0 to 5, with 0 indicating no agreement and 5 meaning you totally agree. Have your partner make his or her own list.
In order for a couple relationship to be fulfilling, I must always feel that I am in love with my partner.
 
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Being in a couple means supporting my partner's goals and needs totally, even if it involves sacrificing my own.
To commit to being part of a couple, I have to know that I will not have to give up any of my own wants or needs.
My job, children, or other commitments prevent me from doing things I would like to do with my partner.
Being part of a couple means giving up parts of myself.
When I am in the right relationship, my needs will always be met completely.
Other couples have a much better relationship than we do.
Having an exciting sexual relationship at all times is essential for happiness as a couple.
A good relationship comes naturally, and each person's needs get met without hard work or disappointment.
Once a pattern is established in a relationship, it is not possible to break it.
Discuss:
Compare your ratings with your partner. Notice anything in particular that either of you has rated highly that may be related to current or potential problem areas. These could indicate barriers to your relationship. Where do you agree or disagree? Talk about the similarities and differences on your lists; just listen without criticizing each other. Pay attention to any topics you would like to discuss or work on further.
 
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If I Were Alone
Think:
If I weren't in a couple right now and had no shared responsibilities or child care duties, how would I like to spend my time?
Do:
On a blank sheet of paper, list ten things you would do this week if you were not in a relationship. Have your partner make a separate list of ten things he would do.
Discuss:
Compare your lists. What do you have in common? What things are different? Talk about the differences on your lists. Are there things you think of as doing alone, when in fact you could do them with your partner? Do you see things on your partner's list that you would be willing to participate in?
Mind-Checking
(This exercise is based on the concept of mind-reading developed by George Bach in his work on Fair Fight Training.)
Think:
How often do you think you know what your partner is thinking, feeling, or wanting? How often do you think your partner is making assumptions about what you are thinking, feeling, or wanting? To what degree do you think you or your partner is accurate?
Do:
On a blank sheet of paper, make a list of three assumptions you have made or are making about your partner's thoughts, feelings, or desires. Have your partner make a separate list of the assumptions she has made or is making about you.
 
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Discuss:
Decide who will go first, and ask your partner if you may do a "mind-check" about a particular topic. If that time or topic is not acceptable to your partner, choose another one. Tell your partner, "I believe that you think (or feel) that . . ." Ask your partner what percentage of your mind-check (between zero and 100 percent) was accurate, then ask her to share the part you missed, even if it was only 2 percent. Listen and repeat what your partner has said. Keep going until your partner says that it all sounds completely correct. Thank each other for sharing and listening.
Listening" for Nonverbal Communication
So much of our experience is internal, and we are constantly expressing ourselves through body language. Nonverbal cues such as tone of voice, gestures, movement, eye contact, and touch often communicate what we mean more accurately than words. Crossing your arms and legs can indicate being unapproachable or protective; making eye contact often signifies being open and honest. This kind of communication goes on constantly, and we rarely stop to notice its impact on others or ourselves. We are often more affected by
how
something is said than by
what
was said. Your partner may say "I love you," and you may not believe it because of how it was said. When an intimate tone of voice or a particular gesture is added, it may suddenly become much more believable.
Paying attention to physical expression during conversation with your partner can greatly increase the power of your communication. During therapy sessions, one couple reinforces a particularly meaningful proclamation ("You are number one in
 
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my life") by including a nonverbal gesture when they repeat it to each other: They silently take each other's hands and look into each other's eyes intently. It is important for both partners to be silent before and after speaking the proclamation and experience the intimacy of the quiet moment.
The nonverbal aspect of dreams certainly contributes to their power to communicate as well. Without necessarily hearing a word during a dream, we are powerfully affected by the visual images represented. For example, a recently widowed woman recorded the following dream, which had a particularly meaningful image and nonverbal message regarding her husband.
Together Again
I'm in bed and feel my husband's arms around me. I feel warm and content as we sleep together. I'm pleased and excited when I wake up.
She added her personal reflections: "My only regret when I woke up was that the dream didn't last longer! Now that I know it's possible for me to have such a pleasant experience with my husband in my dreams, I'm going to try to remember them more often!"
Trust-Building Exercises
Another way to experiment with the power of nonverbal communication is by trying out some exercises that have been developed to foster trust in relationships. These include the "Blind Walk," in which one partner closes his eyes and is led silently on a walk, and the "Trust Fall" or ''Trust Leaning," in which one of you supports the other, eyes closed, while leaning or falling onto you. Wait until each of you has had a chance to perform both roles, and then share your experiences with one another. You
BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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