The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (30 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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and fantasies with your partner. Sometimes sharing a sexual dream, particularly an erotic one, can be a useful (as well as stimulating!) way to overcome your inhibitions and increase your sexual enjoyment. Dreams can also be helpful in making you aware of physical and sexual needs that you may be otherwise reluctant or unable to acknowledge. Such was the case for Maggie, who had been married five and a half years when she had the following dream.
My Broken-Down Car
I am listening to a man give a lecture when I remember that I have an appointment. I go over to him and tell him that I must leave at the break. I feel very affectionate toward him and kiss him. He is surprised but pleased. I go to try and find my husband Paul. He comes in. I tell him I have a 5:00 P.M. appointment and that my car is broken down. It's now almost 5:30 P.M., and I'm getting upset.
Communicating her sexual needs and desires was often difficult for Maggie. ''When I had this drearn," she said, "it reminded me that I had been more physically assertive with Paul before we got married. Now that we are married, however, I realized I was depending more on Paul to take care of my sexual needs." This realization came from the symbol of the broken-down car in her dream, since cars are often dream symbols of sexual energy. Sharing this dream with Paul helped her to be more direct with him about her sexual needs and led to considerable improvement in their sexual life and communication.
Once couples reach middle age or have been married for many years, their sex life often begins to wane or become routine. They may be afraid to communicate their feelings about it to each other and may not know what to do. It is often useful at this point to seek out a marital or sex therapist, but you can
 
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also turn to your dreams for new ideas and ways to communicate them. This is what one middle-aged woman, Karla, did, and she was able to use the dream's message to revitalize her sex life with her husband, Ben.
The Sex Store
A middle-aged woman ushers me into her store. She leads me to a couch similar to an examining table, and she prepares me to make love with a man who is just arriving. He is young, with dark hair and a moustache. At first I'm put off; then I get into it. I feel excited.
In working on this dream, Karla said, "I discovered that the middle-aged guide in the store was telling me that it was OK to be up-front, direct, and assertive in 'examining' or initiating sexual communication and behavior; it's nothing to be embarrassed, shy, or anxious about, she seemed to be saying." Karla was impressed by the dream message from this middle-aged woman part of her who seemed to be at the peak of her sexuality (which actually occurs for most women in their late thirties). The man in the dream reminded Karla of her husband. She told Ben about the dream, and they were both able to become more direct and active in their sex life. They also incorporated the dream story into their lovemaking and found it increased their creativity and enjoyment. Using such dreams to enhance and add variety to your own sexual experiences may be enriching for both you and your partner. Why not try it and find out for yourself?
Perhaps the greatest barriers to sexual satisfaction are self-consciousness and guilt. These feelings can prevent people from sharing their sexual desires and needs with their partners even when they have good communication in other areas. Women have long been made to believe that any intense sexual desire
 
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they feel is deviant, promiscuous, or sinful. It is hard to turn that kind of training off, even if you have a loving and supportive partner. Working on dreams in which these kinds of feelings come up can create an opening for new ways to talk about and resolve such sexual problems. Stella, the woman in the following dream, was able to confront the intensity of her sexuality by working on it with her partner.
The Demon
I am making love with Mark. There are parts of a poem that I see as we make love, each part describing a different part of lovemaking. We get to the last section of the poem, and I realize that if we make love in that way, I will be a demon. I think Mark is a demonsmiling, sexual, and inviting with his long, dark hair. He wants me to do this part of the poem/lovemaking. I think he wants me to be a demon. I get scared and scream. I wake up, crying out.
During a dreamwork session with a friend, Stella role-played the powerful demon part of herself. "I am a force that gets inside my body, takes over, isn't human," she said. To Stella, this was sexuality and sexual pleasure. Then she played the rational part of herself who was scared of the demon, afraid of losing control. She acted out a dialogue between the two roles and experienced them both as parts of her, with the demon being humannot inhumanpassion. "I could then accept this human/demon passion part of me as the source of the great pleasure I had the night before while making love with Mark," she said. Stella shared these thoughts and the dream with Mark, which served to enhance the trust and intimacy between them.
Your dreams can help you to understand and accept your sexual feelings and sort out your beliefs about your sexuality, your couple, and other aspects of your life. Dreams may some-

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