The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (29 page)

BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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Tina said, "I thought it was unfair to tell Mike I was angry, but when I had this dream, I realized how upset I was about being left to take care of the house and kids while he was off 'performing' and having fun." Tina was used to Mike "playing his song" for her and was jealous of the large amounts of time he spent with other people. She shared the dream with him, and they were then able to work on creating a new vision for their relationship that included spending more time together.
Once you have recognized your negative feelings, it is important to deal with them immediately and not store them up in a "gunny sack" of past hurts. If you hang onto those feelings, you build up resentments that can undermine and even eventually destroy your relationship.
To stay on top of things, share any conflict with your partner as soon as you become aware of it. Your dreams often send up a "red flag" about what needs attention in your relationship, as the following dreamer named Linda discovered.
Getting Shit On
I'm camping with Matthew. It is raining while we are pitching our tent, and the ground collapses, leaving a big pit underneath. The pit is some kind of maintenance center, and the tent peg is now a long white pipe. Raw sewage is coming out, and I try to hook the pipe up to a drain down in the room. I tell Matthew to guide it in, and I slide down the pipe. Meanwhile, I'm hanging in midair, becoming completely covered with excrement.
Linda had this dream shortly after Matthew shared with her an argument he had had with another woman he had once been involved with. After having this dream, Linda realized how much anger and resentment ("raw sewage") she had stored up
 
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toward him, and how she was feeling "shit on" by hearing him talk about the other woman. She realized she had been holding in her anger to avoid conflict, just as she had tried to channel the sewage at the maintenance center. "This dream," she said, "helped me see that our couple couldn't continue in any form until I took care of myself by sharing my feelings. Once I did, we were able to explore the possibilities of a relationship we could both enjoy''
"You Were in My Dream!"
Telling your partner about a conflict in your relationship that appears in a dream is especially meaningful when your partner also appears in the dream. Sharing such dreams will help you understand how you see each other, both positively and negatively. It also gives you an opportunity to bring up and possibly resolve the conflict in a less threatening manner.
We mentioned in chapter 1 how other cultures have used dreams in this way for centuries. The Senoi tribe of Malaysia, in their daily practice of dream sharing, reportedly required that a dreamer apologize to any other tribe member for an argument or fight that took place with that person in the dreamer's dream. Whether these reports of the Senoi are well founded or not, this communication practice can help clear up conflicts not previously acknowledged and can also help improve the overall functioning of a relationship. One comedian joked that his relationship with his wife has improved greatly since he started apologizing to her every morning for nothing in particular. You might want to try it out for a while in your own couple and see what happens. What do you have to lose?
 
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Expressing Positive Feelings Through Dreams
Just as you need to share negative feelings about your relationship, it is also important to acknowledge the high points. This can foster intimacy during the positive times and strengthen the relationship at low points. Your dreams can be a reminder about those special parts of your partner and your couple that you may have taken for granted or not noticed in your waking life. Sharing those dreams with your partner-an expression of caring in itselfcommunicates what you value in the relationship. It also allows you both to just enjoy your dreams, rather than working on analyzing them. This can enhance the playfulness of your couple, an important element in maintaining a successful and long-lasting relationship. Claire found this to be the case with the following dream.
Tickled Pink
My husband is standing with his back to me, wearing a pink shirt. I sneak up behind him and throw my arms around his waist and lift him off the ground. He knows right away that it's me and begins to giggle. I start to tickle him, and he giggles even more.
Claire reported that this dream put her in touch with qualities she cherishes in her husband: his childlike spontaneity and ease often atypical of males. She had been taking for granted that he was aware of how she felt. When she shared the dream with him, he was surprised and "tickled pink," giving them a fun name for the dream. Claire even went out and bought him a pink shirt to remind them of her love for him.
A key element in communicating positive feelings to your partner is the process of acknowledgment, that is, noticing and appreciating what someone has said or done. Acknowledgment
 
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is not a scarce commodity, but couples are often stingy with it. The reality is, the more you give of it, the more you will get back, and what you don't reinforce will disappear. Thus, it's helpful to acknowledge your partner frequently for things you might normally take for granted, such as cooking dinner, taking care of a sick child, or making a special effort of any kind. A dream might give you a clue about this, as was the case in "The Wake-up Call" in chapter 1. If Peter had not shared this dream, Phyllis might not have thought to tell him how much she appreciated the concern he showed for her.
Pay attention to how your partner and your couple appear to you once you have shared an acknowledgment. You will likely see each other in a much more positive light. After working on a dream together, one couple created a proclamation of "We appreciate each other," then stated it as a specific acknowledgment every day. They found it revitalized their entire relationship and their own self-esteem.
It's not enough just to share a positive feeling, however. To be truly effective, an acknowledgment must be fully experienced by each partnerspoken and heard. It is up to the person being acknowledged to let the appreciation sink in and let his partner know if the power of the message has been truly perceived. As much as we want to be recognized for something we did well, we often avoid accepting the recognition. When acknowledging your partner, make sure you've actually been heard.
Communication About Sex Through Dream Sharing
One aspect of a relationship that often brings up intense feelings, both positive and negative, is sex. Perhaps because of this intensity, it is also often difficult to talk about sex. Dreams give you a less threatening means of sharing your sexual feelings

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