The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (16 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cab driver. He promised to send the driver money from home; he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cab driver said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line,

“How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.

“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.

“And how much for you to give me head on the way?”

“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cab driver replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said, “OK,” and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other cab drivers.

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand, “Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.

“I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away!”

Confused but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.

“What are you talking about?” asked mom. “What ever made you think that cider would ease the pain?”

“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”

Two young boys, both from well-to-do families, were talking.

1st Boy: “Our new French maid is a robot.”

2nd Boy: “A Robot? Maids aren’t robots.”

1st Boy: “But ours is... I overheard my dad telling one of his golf buddies that he screws her ass off every Saturday!!”

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.

Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.

His mother was furious. “I saw what you did and as you kicked the chickens you’ll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs.”

Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked, “Are you going to tell him or should I?”

A salesman is going door to door. At one house, a snotty little brat answers the door.

“Tell you what,” he says to the salesman, “I can persuade my parents to buy pretty much anything. If you can do everything I can do, I’ll talk them into buying something. If you lose, then you give $10.”

Figuring that there’s no way a nine-year-old brat could outsmart him, the salesman agrees to the deal. Immediately, the kid climbs up the drainpipe and hops onto the flat roof. The salesman does exactly the same.

The kid then runs across the roof, does a triple cartwheel and lands in the back garden, with the salesman following suit.

Then the kid runs to where his teenage sister is sunbathing topless. He rushes over to her and kisses her on the left breast. Not to be outdone, the salesman leaps over and does the same.

The kid then gropes both his sister’s tits. So does the salesman. Then the kid pulls down her bikini bottoms and licks her pussy, the salesman does likewise.

Then the brat pulls out his dick, wraps it round his little finger and says, “Where’s my $10?”

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what had happened and the man explained: “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still got nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing happened, then she tried with her left, but still nothing happened. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but there was nothing doing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the stupid jar open!”