The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (77 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas.

5. You do not take initiative—you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You’ll retire well before reaching 65.

9. You’re unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work.

11. And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Q. What’s a wife?

A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said, “Paint my house.”

Three priests were taking a shower together in the church. They ran out of soap. Thinking the church was empty, one walked naked down the hall to the supply closet.

Half way back, the naked priest saw three nuns walking towards him. He immediately froze and pretended to be a statue.

The first nun took one look and said, “What a realistic looking statue!”

The second nun reached and felt the priest’s dick, and he dropped the bar of soap. “Wow a dispenser!” she exclaimed.

The third nun reached over, pulled on his dick and said, “Hand cream too!”

Q. Did you hear about the guy who entered his dog in the show?

A. He got 16 months.

Two guys had been having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times, when the call of nature caused them to line up at the urinal together at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well-endowed.

“Goodness, that’s a remarkable schlong you have there, buddy,” Fred was prompted to remark.

“Wasn’t always that way,” replied Chas. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said. “I got this done over in Beverly Hills. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it’s well worth every cent.”

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to Beverly Hills first thing.

It was a good six months later before he ran into his old buddy once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was really pleased with the result.

“But, Chas, I will tell you something else,” said Fred. “You were cheated; I got mine for $500, not a thousand.”

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Beverly Hills, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

Once more they lined up at the urinal and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. “No wonder,” he laughed. “That’s my old one!”

A stranded Martian came upon two beautiful damsels in a nudist camp. He looked them over with obvious approval, then said, “Take me to your tailor!”

A date was arranged for an old fashioned visitor from America with a lively Irish girl. They strolled in the park under the moonlight until they came to a secluded spot where he kissed her several times lightly on the cheek.

“That, my dear,” he said, “is called spooning.”

“Spooning may be all right for you,” she replied, “but I would rather shovel!”