Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (79 page)
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“Yes, but you know how I love to fish.”
“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”
“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea, and you know how I love to fish.”
A few hours later the guide said, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”
“I know, but she’s got diarrhea, and you know how I love to fish.”
The following day the guide said, “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”
“Yeah, but she’s got chlamydia, and you know how I love to fish.”
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide said, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”
“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms, and you know I just love to fish.”
Q. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
I was walking in the park one bright, sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, I could see that she looked about nine years old. She was all dressed up in her Sunday best, with her freshly scrubbed face—just as cute as could be. Tugging on the leash was a well groomed terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her, “Hi there. My, aren’t you pretty today and what a fine-looking dog you have.”
“Thank you, sir,” she said. “And what a nice day this is, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is,” I answered. “My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you’re wearing.”
“Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me. Isn’t it lovely?” she asked with a beaming smile.
“Yes, very lovely,” I answered. “By the way, what’s your dog’s name?”
“Oh, sir, my dog’s name is ‘Porky.’ Isn’t that cute?”
“Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him ‘Porky?’”
“Because he fucks pigs!”
An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor said, “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A Russian doctor said, “In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said “Ha! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.”
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar and after a number of drinks they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See there, baby? That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite!”
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, “See those, baby? That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”
She replies, “With 2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”
Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Two gay guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking its prick. “I sure wish I could do that,” said one of them.
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