The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (87 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Again, Johnny instantly replied, “Our allowance. Susie has $5 a week and I have $10 a week. That’s about $60 a month, and that’ll do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn’t have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, “Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far...”

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing to attention?”

The secretary, who was very witty, replied, “Why, no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!”

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical examination. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.”

His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”

Later that night he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.

The neighbor replies, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”

Sure enough, later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.

The guy replies, “It’s pussy willow.”

He says, “Hold on, let me get my hat.”

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained as usual, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or up the ass—it’s up to you!!!”

Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the bar to get some drinks. The first man said his son was doing so well he now owned a factory manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.

The fourth man came back and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons were. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn’t amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day, he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his lovers!

News Flash: Today the world was stunned by the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 p.m. last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, “Pinkie,” as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny’s batteries in backward and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

A man calls home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?”

The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great—but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”