The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (84 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Two sweethearts had been together for a few years during high school and were devoted to each other. When they left school, they both wanted to go to the same university, but the girl was accepted to a university on the East Coast and the guy to one on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to reply to the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to respond to his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I’ve found a new boyfriend—leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but also totally pissed off. So, he decided to take revenge.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and sent the picture to her parents.

On the first day of university, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

“How much for a season ticket?”

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”

The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you?”

Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”

The amazed receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”

Bob replies, “Listen, lady, I am 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

The lion gathers all animals to a meeting and tells them that no one is allowed to use condoms anymore because the jungle needs to increase its population. One day, the fox sees that the donkey is wearing a condom and is ready to have sex. The fox runs to the lion and tells him about the donkey wearing a condom.

When the lion confronts the donkey, the donkey says, “That’s not a condom—it’s a snake giving me a blow job!”

There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it. He is going to try to feel your breast and you are going to like it, but don’t let him do it.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it—it will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

So the next day, she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said, “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.”

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately, you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king.” She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles, the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him to the bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her. “Honey?” he whispers. She turns back to him and again they proceed to make love. After fninshing, she rolls over, but he taps her for more attention. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally, the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning!!!”

Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor on the back porch when Susie’s mom popped in on them. “You’re going to get a good licking when daddy gets home,” she said.

Susie replied, “Johnny’s been doing that all afternoon.”