The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (83 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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The ladies got closer and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, “You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds.”

“Impossible,” said the embarrassed man. “You really know what I think?”

“Yes,” the lady replied. “Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.”

A woman in her 30s was taking her mother to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her 10-year-old daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor’s office to get the older woman. When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:

Mother: “Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, ‘Don’t we look pretty today,’ while he was looking between my legs! I was quite shocked. Do you think that he was inappropriate?”

Daughter: “Are you sure he wasn’t referring to your hairstyle or something?”

Mother: “Well, it still wasn’t appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?”

Daughter: “I don’t know. Were you embarrassed?”

Mother: “I was very embarrassed. I used some of your vaginal deodorant spray this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don’t think he should have commented!”

Daughter: “I don’t have any spray like that.”

Mother: “Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment.”

Granddaughter: “That’s my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!”

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem,” she complained, “is that it wakes me up.”

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches.

The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”

Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”

The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”

Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”

A sixteen-year-old boy goes to the drugstore one day and asks for some condoms. The clerk says he looks very young for that kind of thing and asks what on earth he would want with such things. The boy replies that he has been seeing a girl for a few weeks and things are starting to heat up. That night he is going to her parents’ house for dinner, and after dinner they are going up to her room where he is going to screw her every style from missionary to doggy and back again. The clerk sells the boy the condoms and off he goes.

That night he rings the doorbell at his girlfriend’s house. She answers, and brings him into the dining room where her parents are sitting at the table. Immediately, the boy buries his face in his hands and starts saying grace. A minute passes, then two, and finally, after five minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”

The boy replies, “I didn’t know your father was a clerk.”