The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (100 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

13.52Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

Read Book Download Book

ads

The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”

There’s a duck staying in a hotel and he’s having a few drinks in the bar when he notices a woman sitting alone and starts chatting with her.

They hit it off, so the duck suggests going back to his room for a nightcap.

The woman agrees.

One thing leads to another and they end up on the bed.

This is all very unexpected for the duck, who’s totally unprepared.

He calls room service and asks if they can supply him with a condom.

“Certainly, sir,” a voice on the end of the phone replies. “Shall I put it on your bill?”

The duck yells back, “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert?”

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try either the withdrawal method, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.

“I see you decided not to take my advice,” he said, eyeing the young children.

“On the contrary, Doc,” she exclaimed. “Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!”

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.

“That’s nice, isn’t it?” Sharon said, waving her arm under her friend’s nose.

“Yeah. What’s it called?”

“Viens a moi.”

“Viens a moi? What’s that mean?”

A clerk offered some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”

Sharon took another sniff. “That doesn’t smell like come to me,” she said, offering her arm to her friend again. “Does that smell like come to you?”

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bathrobe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks, what the hell happened last night?? He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, what happened last night—what have I done? Must have been a wild party. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, please, if there’s a God, let this be a teabag.

Two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they’re changing afterward, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kid’s penis was?”

“Yeah,” says his friend, “it’s probably because he’s got toys to play with.”