The Girl You Lost: A gripping psychological thriller (27 page)

‘Let’s just hope they get the truth out of him,’ I say, knowing there is not much I can say to reassure him. I recall the certainty I had when I’d seen the video that she was taking her last breaths, but I don’t speak aloud my fear.

‘I’m going down there,’ Chris says. ‘To Wood Green police station. I need to remind them not to forget Mel in all this. I know you’ve already told them about the video but there are so many things they’re investigating, I just don’t want Mel to be forgotten. Not if there’s the tiniest chance she’s still alive. Sorry if that makes me sound callous. I know it’s important they find out what happened to your friend’s daughter.’

‘Don’t apologise,’ I say. ‘I understand. You’ve got to fight for Mel.’

After the call, I join Miriam in her bedroom and sit on the bed, closing the door slightly against the noise of Matt drilling.

‘So, what do you think?’ Miriam says, gesturing at the walls. She has done a good job. The walls, curtains and bed sheets are lilac, a soothing, peaceful colour I’ve heard is perfect for a tranquil night’s sleep. I tell her it’s lovely and she beams with pride.

‘Oh, I almost forgot,’ she says, pointing to a large cardboard box in the corner of the room. ‘That’s Matt’s stuff. Things he kept in the loft at the old house, but now I’ve got nowhere to store it. I’d completely forgotten I had it all. Would you mind having it? I mean, you don’t have to take it now, of course—’

‘That’s fine, Miriam. And we will take it now. It shouldn’t be clogging up your flat.’ A vision of Miriam’s huge old house – Matt’s childhood home – flashes into my head. It was always too big, even when his dad was alive, so I understand why she sold it and moved here. But it wasn’t just downsizing that brought her here; it was the need to run away. Helena’s abduction changed her life as much as it did ours.

‘Thanks, Simone. Anyway, I’ll just see how Matt’s getting on. Stay here and look through the box if you like. Get a glimpse of his childhood. I’ll be back in a sec.’

When she’s gone I make my way over to the box and lift up the flaps. Inside is a jumble of objects and books, and I dip my hand in and pull out the first thing I feel. It is a naked action man doll. Smiling, I make a note to myself to tease Matt about this later. He has never before mentioned that he owned one of these.

Peering in to see what else I can find, I pull out school books, a model train and a swimming trophy. I knew Matt was a strong swimmer at school but had no idea he’d won anything. But then again, he has never been one for bragging. There is also a dartboard in the box, but I can’t see any darts. A large textbook catches my eye, and I pull it out. It’s a biology book, and from the description on the back I see it is university level.

I’m about to put the book back when something slips from it and falls to the floor. At first I think it’s a piece of paper, perhaps with some study notes on it, but I soon realise I’m staring at the plain white back of a photograph.

Scooping it up, I flip it over, and almost stop breathing. What I’m staring at makes no sense. There are four people in this photo, four young men, standing on some steps outside what looks like a university building, their arms draped over each other in camaraderie.

Nick Gibbs. Lucas Hall. Daniel Rhodes.

And Matt.

I freeze for a moment, but when my mind registers what this means I sink to the floor, unable to tear my eyes from the photograph, willing the faces to change before my eyes. But there is no doubt. It is definitely them.

Outside I hear drilling, and Miriam’s voice. I have no idea what she’s saying because I can’t take in anything other than this photograph and what it means.

And then the doorbell rings, and footsteps patter along the tiled corridor. There are more muffled sounds before Miriam shouts out to Matt. ‘The police are here. They want to talk to you,’ she says.

Forcing myself to stand, I move closer to the bedroom door. And that’s when I hear more clearly, and suddenly everything makes sense.

‘Matthew Porter? We’re arresting you on suspicion of rape and murder. You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.’

And that’s when I scream.

D
o you hate me
, Simone? Has what I’ve done overshadowed your love for me? I expect it has, and I know I only have myself to blame for that. But I haven’t finished my story. And you need to hear it all before you vanquish me from your life, because I know that is exactly what you’ll do, never mind that we made vows to stick together through better or worse. Ironic isn’t it – because there’s nothing worse than this, is there?

I didn’t know what would happen to Tia that night. That’s not me staking a claim to innocence. I know I am far from that. After all, I helped them clean up the flat, remove any evidence that any of us had been there, and didn’t say a word when we all walked out, leaving her lifeless body for someone else to deal with. And the things I had planned for her that night I can’t even bring myself to mention. But I need you to know that her death was in no way something I wanted. I’m not even sure Nick intended to kill her, but after he did, he got a taste for it. He got off on it. Wanted to do it again and again. Especially as we got away with it. This is what I’ve told myself ever since, but there is, of course, another possibility. One I don’t want to think about.

I was sickened by what we’d done, Simone (and I say
we
because I was there too and did nothing to stop him. So were Lucas and Daniel, which makes us all guilty). I could barely leave my house, couldn’t function, could barely live with it. I think Tia’s death shocked me into despising who I was and what I was doing. And as well as that, I’ve had to live every day with the fear that we will get caught. Even after all these years.

I cut them all off after Tia’s death, ignored their calls, avoided them around the university campus, stopped going to Harry’s. Lucas and Daniel didn’t seem too bothered that I was no longer part of the group (I don’t think they’d ever really wanted me there) but Nick would not let me go so easily. Don’t get me wrong, I never fooled myself into believing it was because he missed my company. Oh no. There was only one reason he kept hounding me. I knew what he’d done, and he wanted me to stay close so he could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I was a constant threat to him, even though I’d never given him reason to think I would open my mouth. And to be honest, I wouldn’t have. I
couldn’t
have. I was just as guilty as he was.

But I couldn’t shake him off, Simone. I never went out with the three of them again, but he’d corner me in corridors and try his best to coax me into meeting up. I knew what
meeting up
meant. Drugging girls and raping them, filming them while they took their last breath. That’s what the experience with Tia had led them to. I wanted no part of that. What I’d already done was bad enough, but the three of them had no limits. And what would be next?

It got easier in my third year at university because Nick finished his course and stopped harassing me. Daniel had dropped out a year early, and I had no idea how he was spending his days. I assumed Lucas just kept his head down and focused on getting his degree, because he would pass me in the corridors without a glance. I heard that Nick had done well, of course, he was always ambitious, wanted to be a success. He wouldn’t let anything interfere with his studies, not even his sickening urges, though I’m still not sure how they didn’t distract him.

And then, after graduation, my life changed again. Only it was for the better this time, because I met you. Do you remember? I still have the image of you in my head, and I often summon it now, when this place threatens to destroy me.

You were standing outside the Häagen-Dazs shop in Leicester Square with your friend Lily, stuffing ice-cream into your mouth as if you were scared it would disappear if you didn’t gobble it up.

I couldn’t take my eyes off you, Simone. I mean, you were beautiful of course, but it was more than that. I was drawn to you like I’d never been drawn to anyone, not even Becky, and it had nothing to do with depraved thoughts. Your smile lit up your entire face, and I just knew, even though you looked younger than me, that I could learn from you, that you could save me from myself. It sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it? But that’s exactly what you did. I need you to know that. That our marriage wasn’t a waste. You kept me sane, kept me from ending up like them.

Do you remember I approached you and asked if your ice cream was nice? You simply nodded, while your friend giggled beside you. As beautiful as you are, you were probably used to being approached by strangers, but I didn’t let that deter me. And then I did something I’ve never done before. I went and bought three more tubs of ice cream, came back and handed one each to you and Lily. ‘You have to try the pistachio,’ I said, tucking into mine. And then I said goodbye and walked off. That was it. Simple and effective, I hoped.

I didn’t know whether you would notice that your ice cream contained a tiny scrap of paper with my phone number scrawled on it, but you did eventually because two days later you called me, asking if you could speak to the ice-cream man.

Things moved pretty quickly after that, didn’t they? Even though you were determined not to rush anything. We progressed from phone calls to meeting up, and then you began to stay at mine more nights than you spent at your parents’ home.

It never bothered me that you were three years younger than me and about to start university, while I had already finished. Everything about you was just right for me. I learned who I really was in those first few months with you, I saw the decent person I could be. And it cemented the change I had already put in place.

Things were going well for us. Even Nick’s calls couldn’t bother me. But then we had an accident, Simone, and it was the start of our ending, wasn’t it?

I knew you were on the pill, I’d seen you take it enough times, panicking if you were even five minutes late remembering. But you still got pregnant. What were the chances? We’d known each other less than six months, and I won’t lie: I was terrified. I was only twenty-one, and had just started medical school. Ironic isn’t it, that after hurting so many people, I chose a healing profession? Perhaps I was trying to atone for my sins? But whatever the reason, my future was all mapped out in my head, and although it did include you, babies were not even a dot on the horizon. I had rarely given a thought to whether I would ever want a family. I supposed I did perhaps one day, far into the future, but not then. Definitely not then.

But I knew the second you told me that there was only one option for you. You were having this baby, even if it meant putting your life on hold, making huge sacrifices. You could never consider the alternative. This was right for you. I remember you telling me that I didn’t have to be a part of it, that you would never force me into anything, but you were doing this, no matter what.

I would never have turned my back on you, so I accepted what had happened and tried to get my head around it. Maybe I could be a good father? And my mum and your parents would certainly help us. We would manage somehow.

When Helena arrived, all smooth and new, I loved her, Simone, I really did. But it was hard. Life was different, we barely had time to breathe, and I felt my grasp on things slipping away. I could hardly focus on studying, and the cramped flat we rented was like a prison. And there was no escape. I felt my life slowly slipping away.

But then Nick called one evening. He said he would leave me alone if I just met him for a quick drink. Nothing else, just a chat and a beer. I remember the exact moment; my eyes flicked to you as I stood with the phone clutched to my ear. You were stressed because Helena wouldn’t settle, and no matter what you did she continued bawling, a deafening sound the whole building could probably hear.

I needed to get out, even just for half an hour, so I agreed to Nick’s request. I had no idea what he wanted, and I didn’t believe that he was prepared to leave me alone, but I assumed he just wanted to threaten me into maintaining my silence. Still, even an evening with Nick was preferable to the claustrophobia of the flat and the baby’s screaming.

You didn’t ask which friend I was meeting, but even if you had I would have lied. You knew nothing about them and that was the way it had to stay.

I met Nick in the Wetherspoons in Ealing, and he wasn’t alone. Daniel was with him, but there was no sign of Lucas. I didn’t want to think about how he might be spending his evening.

We all offered strained nods to each other but I could tell they were relieved I’d turned up. ‘What’s going on?’ I said.

And that’s when they told me about Daniel’s sister, Ginny. How she was desperate for a baby but could never have one of her own because she’d had chemotherapy as a child. I couldn’t understand her urge, but I continued to listen, wondering where this would go.

‘I’d do anything for my friends,’ Nick said. ‘I believe in loyalty, and quite frankly, Matt, you’ve let me down.’

I tried to say I hadn’t, that I would never breathe a word of what had happened in Tia’s flat, or anything else, but he shook his head.

‘I just can’t take that chance. There’s too much at stake. Things need to be evened out.’ There was menace in his voice and I wondered if it had always been there, or was I only now seeing the true man? Either way, the threat was clear.

I tried to assure him. ‘I swear to you, I won’t breathe a word.’

And that’s when he told me that he knew I wouldn’t, and that I was going to make a sacrifice to prove it.

‘You’re too young to have a baby,’ he said. ‘You’re twenty-one and you have a ball and chain around your ankle. What kind of life is that?’ I had never spoken of you, or Helena, but he knew all about you both anyway.

I wanted to argue that this was nonsense, but I couldn’t. He was right.

‘She’s trapped you, that girlfriend of yours. But there’s a way out. It’s not much different than if she’d had an abortion. Just think of it like that. That will make it easier.’

I wasn’t sure what he meant at first. Surely he wasn’t talking about harming my baby? No, even for Nick that would be abhorrent. Then Daniel piped up and it all became clear. ‘We want you to give your baby to my sister. It kills three birds with one stone. First, you escape from the hell you’re in, second, you help Ginny out, and third, you prove your loyalty to Nick.’

The laugh escaped without me realising it was coming. But when they didn’t reciprocate, I knew they were serious. Standing up, I scraped my chair back and turned away, leaving my drink unfinished.

‘Wait,’ Nick said, his loud voice stopping me in my tracks. ‘Perhaps we gave you the impression that you have a choice here. Well, let me just clarify. You don’t. Not unless you want to go to prison for murder. I can make it so all the evidence of everything we’ve ever done points to you alone. And remember Leanne?’

I’m sorry, Simone. I should have carried on walking. I should have gone to the police and told them everything. That was the moment to finally do it. Yes, I would have gone to prison for a long time, but you and Helena would have been safe.

You will by now have realised that I was part of our daughter’s abduction, that I arranged it all with the others and have known for eighteen years exactly where she was. It was simply their luck that Mum was sick that day, but even if she hadn’t been, they would have still taken Helena.

But what’s even worse is that I saw our baby a few times after that. Any time Ginny was worried about anything medical, Daniel brought Helena to me to check over. And I didn’t breathe a word to you. Not once. I never even came close. I closed that chapter of my life and never reopened it.

Not until I was forced to.

The others left me alone after that and I didn’t hear from Nick again until the night Lucas attacked Helena in one of his flats. He called me in a panic, and reminded me again of the time he’d helped me clear up the mess I’d made with Leanne the barmaid. Then when that didn’t work, he used the old threat, only this time he could add child abduction to the list of crimes. He said he knew a lot of people, that he could easily keep his hands clean, but I was not so lucky.

I went to the flat in Embankment, Simone. Helena was no longer there, but Lucas’s body was. And it wasn’t a lamp that killed him. Nick had battered him over and over until barely a patch of skin was free of blood or bruises.

‘He was out of control,’ Nick said. ‘Talking to her about your wife. Who knows what else he would have said?’

‘How did you know he was here?’ I asked, still confused.

‘Because the drunk fool called me and told me what happened. I told him to wait here for me, and that we’d sort the little bitch out together.’ He didn’t even flinch when he called Helena that word, as if he’d forgotten she was my daughter.

I knew then I was right to fear him. That if he could do that to Lucas, then he would have no trouble ending my life. Whatever friendship we’d ever had was nowhere near as strong as theirs had been, I always knew that. So I did the only thing I thought I could do. I spent the next few hours helping him move Lucas’s body to his flat in Wood Green. Then we came back and cleaned up the mess. By the time we were finished there wasn’t a speck of blood or anything else anywhere.

And then I went home to you, Simone, and fell exhausted into bed. You didn’t even stir, and I was grateful for that.

I didn’t know he’d taken Helena a few days later. Or that he had her phone and must have been using it to text Ginny and Helena’s friend. I really thought she’d run off somewhere, like some teenagers do. And I had no idea you had made any contact with Ginny or Nick. If I had, I could have done something about it. I
would
have done something about it. Please believe that. And then maybe I could have salvaged something from the mess I have made. Nick tried to contact me several times after I helped him with Lucas’s body, and I can only assume now it was to tell me about you finding him. But I avoided his calls and deleted his messages without reading them.