The Heart's Ashes (37 page)

Damn mind
readers!

“
Tonight,” he said, looking at the forest trail
again.

“
Where?”

“
In your dream—I’ll find you.”

“
What? Jason?” I called, but he disappeared, with Petey
running down a thick trail on the other side of the lake after
him.

“
Ara!”

My heart sunk
when I heard the familiar voice of my ex-best friend.

“
Ara!” he called again; I looked at the rock, gauging how long
it would take me to run, hide behind it, half wishing Jason was
still here. “Ara, I know you’re out here, baby.”

Baby?
Baby
?
How can he call me that when half an hour ago he practically wanted
me dead, or at the very least, bludgeoned to unconsciousness. Okay,
so maybe that’s a little severe. Wrapped in duct tape with a sock
in my big fat gob might be closer to the truth.

“
Ara, please?” His voice was getting closer.

To hide or
stay? I looked at the rock again.

“
Oh, God! Ara.” Mike appeared on the cusp of the trail,
running hands though his hair as he folded over. “Baby, there you
are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

I felt a
little ridiculous standing saturated and alone in the middle of the
clearing. I kinda wished I’d chosen the hide option. “Why?” I said
slowly. “Why were you looking for me?”

“
Would falling to my knees right now be the right way to tell
you how sorry I am?” He came up in front of me quickly, keeping to
the pace he’d obviously used while searching. “Baby, I—I don’t even
know what to say. I just...” he stopped midsentence when he reached
for me and my automatic reaction was to shirk away. I felt a bit
silly for reacting that way. I wasn’t really scared of him, per se,
I just wanted to make him aware of how he made me feel. It
worked.

Realisation
spread out like a blanket of shame over him. “I know I scared you,
baby. Quite frankly, I bloody scared myself.” He ran his palm over
his face and looked around at the lake, all its beauty. “I don’t
know what happened. I, I could see it all happening, but couldn’t
stop it. I just—I don’t even know what I can say. Sorry doesn’t
even begin to touch what I feel. I—if I were someone else, I’d
punch me in the face for what I just did to you.”

I let myself smile, imagining it. “
I
could punch you?”

He opened his
arms, his chest sinking a little. “Baby, please do. Please. I
deserve it.”

“
No, Mike. You don’t. You were right to be mad.” I pushed his
arms down. “It
is
my fault. I did all of this.”

“
No.” He pulled me in and tangled his hands in my hair,
pinning my face to his chest. “No, you didn’t.
Emily
did this. She provoked someone
she
knew
was
dangerous, Ara. You kept this from me because you couldn’t trust me
with it—and look how I’ve repaid your trust.”

“
Why the sudden change of heart, Mike? Why don’t you hate me
anymore?”

“
I didn’t mean that—I know I felt it, but it’s not how I
really feel.” He closed his eyes and squeezed me tighter. “I
hate
myself
right
now. I’ve been so worried; I ran everywhere looking for
you.”

“
Where’s David?”

“
He had to stay with Emily. He can’t leave her there alone,
she’s too dangerous.”

“
Oh.”

“
Ara, as soon as I heard the door slam, I fell apart. I can’t
tell you what that felt like—to feel you in my arms, to hurt you
that way and watch the pain spread across your face. It killed me,
baby, and I couldn’t make it stop. I’m worried...” He stood back
from me, looking at his own hands. “I’m worried there’s something
wrong with me.”

Insight
pressed my shoulders down. “I know what it is.”

“
You know what
what
is?”

“
I know why you’re so angry.”

“
What? Why?”

My jaw jutted
forward a little. To tell or not to tell?

“
Ara, please?” He grabbed my arms.

“
You won’t like it,” I warned.

“
I don’t like feeling like this. Please, if you know
something—”

“
It’s the blood—David’s blood,” I said, pointing to my own
face, referring to where the deep scratches Emily left on Mike had
been bleeding only days ago.

“
What?” He drew back.

“
You’re addicted.”

Mike’s brow
pulled together at the centre, thought distant in his eyes.

“
When it’s not in your system, you get—angry,” I
finished.

“
Angry?”

“
Yes. Kind of like a drug addict.”

“
Does that happen with you?”

“
Yeah. Remember our fight in the auditorium that day—at school
last year?” I bit my smiling lip.

Mike nodded.
“That was blood addiction?”

“
Mm-hm. But I’d had less blood than you have, so the addiction
wasn’t as strong.”

“
Oh, baby.” He kissed my head. “I won’t forgive myself for
what I just did to you. I am so sorry.”

“
I’m okay, Mike. Really.” He looked at my arms; I hadn’t
noticed it, and Jason didn’t mention it, but there were four long
bruises on each of my arms—damage from Mike’s grip. “Okay, so maybe
a little bruised.”

He clicked his
tongue, lifted my arm, one, then the other, and kissed the
bruising. “I’m a monster. Don’t you ever forgive me for this, Ara.
I don’t deserve it. I’ll leave. I’ll go away, and you never have to
see me again.”

“
No.” I grabbed his shirt. “I don’t want that, Mike. I never
wanted any of this. Just…”

“
Ara, you shouldn’t trust people that hurt you. I didn’t know
I was capable of ever hurting you.” He dropped his head. “I guess
I’m just like every other guy who says he’s not
abusive.”

“
Mike—it wasn’t you. It was the addiction.”

“
Do you hear yourself?” He smirked. “You sound like a victim,
Ara—saying exactly what every other girl who’s been hurt by her
boyfriend says.”

“
But this is—”

“
No! It shouldn’t matter—addiction or not.” He simmered his
loud voice a little. “I should’ve controlled myself. I won’t be one
of those guys who always has an excuse.”

“
It’s not like you’re saying
I just
had a bad day
or Y
ou brought this upon yourself by not cleaning the
floor
, Mike. This is something
supernatural, something that was out of your control. A freakin’
blood addiction.”

“
Does addiction make it okay for an alcoholic to hit his mates
at the pub?”

“
No, but—”

“
But nothing, Ara.” He stepped closer, taking my arms more
gently than he had earlier today. “I grabbed you. I hurt you, and
you’re so small, so precious.” His glassy eyes followed the line of
my face. “I could have done worse than just scare you or bruise
your arms. I won’t stay around for that to happen
again.”

“
I can’t lose you, too, Mike. I can’t lose everyone I love
just because they might hurt me.”

“
Ara, that’s a perfect reason to lose someone.”

“
Not in the world I live in. It’s a world of murder and blood
and damage beyond repair or comprehension. There’s bound to be a
bit of pain—and I can take the physical pain, Mike, but this?” I
placed my hand over my heart. “
This
, I can’t take.”

He rolled his
shoulders back and sighed. “And what about next time, huh? What’s
my excuse going to be then?”

“
Mike, you’re not one of those guys. Don’t you
see?”

“
I disagree.”

“
Mike, please. If you leave...if you...” My voice shook; I
just wanted to burst into tears for the frustration. I hated when
he’d make up his mind—there was never any changing it.

“
It’d really hurt you if I leave? You really care that
much?”

My teeth
clenched slightly. “Can’t you tell?”

“
Tell what?”

“
That I...that I still love you.”

He gently
wrapped his strong, broad fingers around my upper arm, drawing me
closer, my head tilting so I could look up at him. “You love
me?”

I nodded.

“
What kind of love?”

“
The wrong kind of love.”

He looked at
my lips and said “This kind?” Then pressed a firm but delicate kiss
there. I nodded, breathing out with relief, wrapping my arms all
the way around his neck so my entire body, wet clothes and all,
pressed inch to inch against his. A burning surge of anger and lust
shuddered through me, the fulfilment of thoughts left wanting too
long; his strong embrace, his warm, loving arms and a gentle touch
that could only be human.

The beat of my
heart thumped in my ears as Mike pushed me back against the tree
and lifted my soaking singlet top—smoothing his thick fingers down
my spine. It felt so confusingly right, so much that I begged him,
under hot, jagged breaths, to go further, make love to me, right
here, right now—to touch me, caress the craving from my skin and
make the pain of wanting go away.

We breathed
the heavy, heated air from each other’s lips while our hands
searched frantically over places we’d always only dreamed to touch.
Mike tucked his thumbs into the band of my underwear, trying in
vain to remove them, but they bunched up, rolled around the top of
my hip, stopped by the half-dried lake that made my skin
sticky.

“
Okay, that won’t work,” he said, abandoning that route,
lifting me up so my legs wrapped his hips. A small hollow formed
between us, his stomach drawing in to reveal his ribs, making room
for me to pull the zipper of his jeans down.

We both let
out a breath, his smooth skin finally touching me, brushing against
my inner thigh, after so many years only imagining it. He could
hardly breathe for the desperation to have me; I knew how badly he
wanted to lay me down and tear my clothes away, because I wanted it
too.

“
Baby,” he whispered against my neck. “Baby, I love you so
much.”

“
I love you too, Mike.” As he reached down, his warm, so very
human touch shifting my underwear to one side, I caught his hand,
stopping him an inch before he owned my virginity. “Mike,
wait.”

“
You okay?” He repositioned his hips to keep me up where I
started to slip down the rough surface of the tree; I was sure I
had an ant and, at minimum, some bark in my underwear.

“
No. I mean, yes, I’m fine, but...We can’t. I can’t do this to
David.”

The hot breath
of Mike’s smile moved my hair over my face. “Shit.”

“
I’m sorry, Mike.”

“
Oh, baby. Don’t be sorry.
I’m
sorry. I got carried aw—”

“
Ara?” A voice, liquid with cold hurt, broke the intensity of
our near connection.

“
David.” I looked past Mike’s shoulder, my butt scraping the
bark all the way down the tree until my toes touched the ground
again.

“
He has really bad timing,” Mike whispered to me, smiling as
he fastened his jeans.

The weight of
my breath stayed heavy, even as the intensity of desire rushed
away, leaving a rigid twist of panic in my gut. Frozen, I waited
for David to react.

He turned,
with clenched fists, and walked, at human pace, back in the
direction he came.

“
David. Wait?” I called, running after him.

“
Ara. I can’t talk with you right now.”

“
David, please. It wasn’t—”

“
Just don’t.” He stopped, holding a finger to my face. “Don’t
give me the automated responses.”

“
It’s not her fault, mate, I kissed her, she—”

“
She can control herself.” David turned away. “I expect better
of her.”

“
David?” I burst into tears.

He froze,
keeping his back to us. “Crying won’t grant you my pity, Ara.”

I folded over
a little more, burying my face in my hands. “I stopped myself,” I
yelled. “I stopped. I wasn’t going to do it.”

Mike reached
for David’s shoulder. “Give her a break, mate, she—”

At lightning
speed, David twisted around, planting a blow so violent to Mike’s
face that his feet left the ground and he spun, hitting the dirt
with the force of a hammer. My tears stopped; I waited for Mike to
get up, but he didn’t move. Even David looked a little shocked at
his own rage.

“
Mike?” I edged forward, my heart in my throat. “Mike. Please
get up.”

Just as David
took a step to help him, Mike groaned, rolling up to sit, clutching
his jaw. “Shit—that stings.”

“
Are you satisfied?” I yelled at David, squatting beside
Mike.

“
Actually, yes.” He smiled, his fist loosening as he turned
away.

“
Well, I’m glad my pain brings you satisfaction.” Mike shook
his head, using the tree to struggle to his feet.

“
If you ever—” David stomped toward Mike, a finger of caution
aimed at his chest, “—touch her again, I’ll turn you into a
vampire, then torture you for eternity. Got it?”