The Heart's Ashes (39 page)

“
Oh, God.” I pulled my hand free and covered my cheeks. “How
could I do this to David?”

“
Don’t be sad, sweet girl.” Jason slid his fingertips under my
chin; I looked, reluctantly, into his emerald eyes. “It’s just
love. You feel for me, you know me better than anyone else in the
world; I’m not what I used to be. Please—” he closed his eyes
tight, “—don’t try to hate me. It took me so long to get you to
trust me.”

“
And yet, you betray it by erasing my mind?”

“
It’s complicated.” He looked down at our hands.

“
So, if you’ve been erasing things?” I brushed my hair from my
face as the wind picked up and blew it into my eyes. “Is that why
I’ve been so forgetful lately?”

“
Yes.”

It all made
sense. The night I went to get custard, the day I was late for
Spencer’s birthday and so, so many other times. I pieced it all
together, anxiously scratching at my collarbone. “Then, it’s been
longer than since Karnivale…”

“
Yes, and no.” He sat forward, his eyes wider. “We’ve not been
meeting here. Not before that—but I—” He paused.

“
What? Tell me?”

“
You caught me out, in the real world, following you a few
times.”

“
You were following me?”

“
Yes, I—I just wanted to talk to you. But you got so scared. I
had to erase it.”

“
Why? What did you do to me?”

“
Nothing, Ara. It’s just—you weren’t ready to talk to me the
first few times—not until after I saved you.”

“
And we’ve been meeting here since then? Doing
God-knows-what?” I looked around the field, the place I came to
each night to betray my one true love.

“
We haven’t done anything wrong, Ara. I wouldn’t let you do
that, but, I—” He looked at my lips, his shoulders dropping with
what looked like a pleasant exhale, “—I did let you kiss me last
time.”

I felt numb
all the way through my soul. What would David say, what would he
think to know I was twisted enough to fall for the very man who
tortured and tried to kill me—his own brother for that matter?
“He’ll never forgive me.” I covered my mouth.

“
You see, and that’s why I can’t let you have these memories.
You didn’t mean to fall for me.” He pushed my hand away from my
mouth. “And I never meant for that to happen either, but it did,
and now we have to deal with this as best we can.”

“
Deal with it?” I said, incredulous. “How do we
deal
with
it?”

“
By keeping quiet. I’ll keep these memories from you, so you
don’t have to feel the confusion in the real world, and when he’s
gone, I’ll give them all back to you.”

“
No. This is wrong. I—I have to tell David.” I went to stand;
Jason grabbed my hand.

“
Ara, he’ll leave now if you do.”

I stopped and
looked down at him. “He deserves the truth.”

“
Yes, but when he looks at you, when he grabs you and tells
you he hates you for the way you feel, you’ll hate me, Ara, and I
can’t bear that.”

“
Hate you? Is that any different to how I feel
now?”

“
Yes.” He pushed up off the ground, like a human, and came to
stand before me. “Because you don’t hate me now.”

“
Yes, I do.”

“
No. You want to hate me, because you know you should, and you
can’t understand why you don’t.”

“
Uh—” my words escaped me.

“
It’s true, isn’t it?” He gently linked his fingertips with
mine, standing close to me, palm to palm. “You told me that—your
very own words, right before you kissed me.”

“
You’re a liar!”

“
I would never lie to you. I have nothing to gain from
this.”

“
Except to see your brother hurting.”

“
That’s what you think this is about?” He let me take my hand
from his, and as I turned quickly away from his boisterous smile,
taking a step backward, he appeared in front of me. “Ara, don’t go?
Stay.”

“
I need to go, Jason. I need to clear my head.” My eyes filled
with tears while I studied his face, feeling things I didn’t want
to feel, but knew, all the same, that I did. And the worst part
was, they were
my
feelings. I could tell, from how deeply they rose within me,
charging me with heat and numbness all at the same time.

But how could
I have felt anything other than hatred? It couldn’t be true.

“
But it is true. Please, Ara, don’t do this? I don’t want to
lose another person that I love.” His hand edged toward me. “All of
them, sweet girl, you know this story, you know my story—they all
turned against me. I have no one left.” His voice broke, and the
depth of his emerald eyes seemed to look right into my soul. My
heart skipped a beat. “Please. I’m begging you—don’t leave
me.”

“
No!”
This is a lie. It has to be.
Oh, God, please let it be a lie.
“I don’t
have feelings for you—you’re a monster,” I yelled. “I hate
you!”

“
Ara.” Jason tried to pull me closer.

“
Get off me! Let me go.” I shook my head, anger pushing my
tears out over my cheeks.

“
It was just a kiss. Please don’t fight the way you feel about
me.”

“
No! I don’t believe you. I would never kiss you.” I tugged my
arm in his grip, trying to break free. “Let me go—let me
go!”

“
Ara, Ara!” Cold arms wrapped around me, trapping me, pinning
me down.

“
No!” I kicked, wriggling about in his embrace. “No. I’d never
kiss you. I hate you. I hate you.”

“
Is she okay?”

“
Ara—wake up!” Mike’s voice came softly into my
ear.

My eyes
flashed open to a very concerned, very confused pair of faces
looking down at me.

“
Ara?” Mike frowned. “Are you okay, baby?”

“
It’s just a dream.” I blinked, sitting up a little in my bed.
“Mike, David—why are you here?”

“
I heard you screaming.” Mike looked at David.

“
Ara—” David smoothed my tangled hair from my face. “What were
you dreaming about, sweetheart?”

A flash of
memory struck my mind; blue, silver, moonlight, and…Jason. His
arms, my skin, my hair—brushing against his shoulder—my face,
turning slightly as he leaned toward me and…

“
Nothing. I—” I looked at the memory again. “I don’t
remember.”

“
Liar.” Mike shook his head, folding his arms as he stood
back. “You’ve always been a terrible liar. David?” He nodded at him
then. “Read her mind.”

“
No, I won’t do that to her. She has a right to her own
thoughts.” David laid back on the bed, as if he’d been there all
night, and not on the couch—away from me. “If she wishes to tell
me, I’m sure she will.”

Mike huffed
and walked away, stopping by my door. “I can help you, Ara. I can
help you deal with whatever the problem is.”

No. You can’t. I kissed Jason. I’m sick and twisted and
masochistic—you can’t help me
. “I know,
Mike—I’m sorry. I’ll tell you if I remember.”

The door
closed behind him and a pair of eyes burned into the side of my
face; David leaned on his hand, smiling. “You know, don’t you?”

“
The dream?” I rubbed my face. Outside, the morning attempted
to sneak through my curtains.

David waited,
with an expectant raise to his brow.

“
No. I don’t remember.” I rolled away and covered myself with
the blanket, afraid to fall asleep again.

“
Was it Mike—is that why you were screaming
I hate you
?”

“
No! I don’t hate him,” I scoffed into my blanket.

“
You want to be with him?” David asked softly.

“
Sometimes. Not like I want you, though. But it’s too strong a
feeling to just ignore. Which is another reason you and I have to
remain just friends.”

“
So conflicted, my Ara,” he said soothingly and ran a finger
over the base of my neck, then down my spine. “So, what are you
going to do? Wait for me to leave, then sleep with him?”

“
David?” I looked over my shoulder at him, disgusted he said
that.

“
Just asking,” he said, palms up.

“
Maybe if
you’d
sleep with me, I wouldn’t have desires for him anymore—since
I’d be bound to you.”

“
True, but when I leave, how will you move on?”

“
Easy—don’t leave.” I grinned.

His round eyes
focused, seeming to contemplate a thousand scenarios behind them
all at once as he stared at my face. “Go back to sleep.” He stood
up and walked to the door. “You’re clouding my mind.”

Things kept
playing over in my mind, like a song with no ending note. I
couldn’t fight the battle of conscience—there was no winning. I’d
dreamed of kissing the man who tried to kill me. Had actually
kissed my best friend, tearing Emily’s heart out in the process.
And the worst part was, the only thing I really cared about was how
I felt in my dream last night; how close I felt to Jason,
how...safe I felt. That little dream world had more of a hold on me
than I wanted to admit.

I sat at the
table, drumming one set of fingers, propping my chin up with the
others, letting the horrid coffee I made myself go cold. It was
more of a prop anyway, an excuse to sit at the table and listen to
David and Emily giggling and mucking about while making food they
didn’t really need to eat.

I think, of
all the people I hurt over the past few days, Emily was hurt most.
But she was so calm, mainly because she didn’t really feel she had
a right to be upset with me. She did, though. I nearly did
something really stupid in a moment of passion with the guy she
loves. She has every right to be mad. I kind of wish she’d yell at
me or something—anything but these overly-polite, meaningless
conversations.

I swirled the
badly mixed, discoloured sludge in my cup a few times, listening to
how well her and David got along.

It’s so strange they never fell for each other. They’d make a
good couple—especially now she’s immortal. Funny thing is though, I
don’t know if she’s his type. He’s never really talked about a
preference to blondes or brunettes—never really mentioned anything
to do with girls in his past. I mean, everyone has an ex story,
right? And sharing them is a part of getting to know each other,
but David never tells me anything. Wouldn’t surprise me if he’d
been with other humans before and only
told
me he hadn’t. It’s not like I’d
ever find out. Suddenly, I don’t feel so special.

Out of my
peripheral, I saw Emily nudge David with her elbow as she placed
the milk in the fridge, laughing.

He reacts
differently to her than he does me. She’s so easily beautiful. I
guess it’s good that he likes her, that he thinks she’s so pretty.
At least when he leaves, or when I’m gone, he’ll always have her to
keep him company. I don’t have to worry about him being alone
forever now.

David whispered something to Emily and she nodded. All I got
was a huge lump in my throat as I tried to swallow the sugary
sludge in my cup, washing down the distaste of insane jealousy. I
wondered if they could see me sitting here, or if they didn’t care.
Emily even went as far as to offer a sympathetic smile as she
passed me, closing her bedroom door; I returned it, because, even
though she was flirting with
my
vampire, I wanted things to be okay between
us.

Silence seeped into the house again. I could feel David’s
stare burning into my back. If he wanted to make me hurt, it
worked. I’ve never addressed the possibility that David may be
human inside, that he may be capable of straying from me, capable
of getting sick of me. If he doesn’t usually put up with
my kind of rubbish
, I
wonder what sort of girls he dates. Probably very level-headed,
career-minded girls. Girls who wear suits and walk fast, talking on
mobile phones.

Or maybe he
prefers the well-organised, work-from-home girls; the ones who can
make casserole, juggling phone calls and emails at the same
time.

Stupid thing
is, none of those sound like the kind he’d like. I slumped on my
hand a little further. But then, I’m not the kind of girl he goes
for, either. I wonder how much longer he’ll put up with me before
he just decides to be with Emily.

“
Here.” David replaced my cold coffee cup with a warm
one.

“
Oh, um, thanks.” I half smiled, dropping my gaze
immediately.

With a sigh,
he sat at the table, his knees facing me. “Why are you going down
that path?”

“
What path?”

“
Thinking about my type of girl.”

“
Oh.” I gently blew the edge of the cup, then took a sip. “So
you can read my mind today?”

“
I just caught some of that stuff about casseroles and
emails.” He looked into his own cup. “I’m here, with you, don’t you
think that means
you’re
my type?”

“
You flirt with Emily.”