The Heart's Ashes (38 page)

“
Duly noted,” Mike said, almost laughing.

“
Excuse me!” I dropped my hands to my hips. “You don’t get to
decide who I kiss and who I don’t. You don’t own me.”

“
Right now, while I’m here, I do. And that was more than just
kissing.” David walked away again.

“
I’m not your girlfriend, David. I did nothing
wrong.”

“
By whose standards, Ara?” He kept walking.

An
eye-narrowing infuriation raged in me, stiffening my jaw; I bent
down, picked up the nearest rock and, before Mike could react,
launched it at David’s head.

“
Ow!” He jolted forward, cupping a hand to the site of impact.
“You little brat.”

The twisted
grimace on my lips slipped away as David started after me—at human
pace. I squealed and hid behind Mike, who blocked David’s hand as
he reached for me.

“
Back off, mate,” Mike said, but his tone was
playful.

“
Give her to me, Mike.” David stopped and waited. “I’m not
going to hurt her, you
know
that. Now give her to me.”

Mike studied
him, his eyes focused, then, he stepped aside.

“
Traitor,” I cried as David grabbed my arm, making me feel so
small, closed in under his towering height.

“
Now you listen to me, missy.” An impetuous grin hid in the
corners of his lips. “I love you—more than anything on this earth.
I am here because of that, and will not tolerate this
friend
business any
longer.”

“
I don’t care what you want.” I made myself taller. “Either
you stay permanently, or we’re just friends.”

He dropped my
arm. “Fine. We’re friends. But I don’t ever want to see you in the
arms of another man. Do you understand me?”

“
No. You’re leaving. Why should I have to spend my life alone
just because
you
don’t want me?”

David shook
his head. “You’re so stubborn, Ara.”

I straightened
my clothes. “And you like me that way.”

A smile crept
in under his angry eyes, an odd moment of warmth in a ghastly
situation. “Mike seems to think we should share you.”

“
Mike?” I thrust my arms to my side, turning as his palms
rose.

“
I never said that.”

“
No, but you thought it.” David walked away.

“
It was a fleeting thought—a joke.”

David, keeping
his back to us, said, “No, it wasn’t.”

“
Okay, maybe it wasn’t.” Mike scratched his upper lip. “But
what else can we do, David? We both love her.”

“
What about Emily,” I said; David stopped.

“
I—” Mike looked at David. “That’s over.”

“
Because she’s a
vampire
?” I said.

“
No—because she’s dead.”

“
Mike? How can you be so mean?”

“
It’s not mean. It’s just how I feel.”

“
God!” I threw my hands up. “She still has a heart, Mike. She
still has feelings, you know. Feelings for
you
.”

As Mike closed
his eyes and rubbed his forehead, my disapproval softened; his face
was bruising pretty badly now, the fist imprint along his jaw
rising up under a short gash, the remains of the scratches Emily
gave him looking suddenly more severe and painful.

David
, I turned to him,
give him blood. He’s hurting.

“
No, he can suffer,” David concluded. “I’m going home. You two
can figure this out on your own.”

“
Figure what out—what’s to figure?” I grabbed his
arm.

“
Which one you want to be with, Ara.” David walked backward,
shaking his head. “Let me know when it’s clear.”

Alone, in the
cool cover of shade from the trees, Mike and I stared at each other
for a while.

Chapter
12

With David on
the couch and Mike hiding from Emily in his room, the house had
lost the warm, happy feel it usually had at this time of night; no
chatting over dinner, no piano and sing-along—just tension, quiet,
and no one saying what they really wanted to say. I went to bed
early, without telling David I’d met Jason, and without mentioning
that we might have as long as three months left together.

David’s right.
I looked up at my ceiling, as if my thoughts were easier to piece
together on a white, plain surface. I do need to sort out what I
want, because I do want Mike. Not like before, though. Not like
when I was seventeen.

But there’s a
toxic desire flooding through me every time I’m around him; a
desire to do things that don’t really involve the heart at all—and
it’s growing every day. I can’t breathe when I’m close to him, when
I think of him.

I jumped out
of bed and headed for the shower—a cold one. I needed to think.

David won’t
make love to me, but my body’s obviously more than ready to take
that step into adulthood. But if I choose to let Mike have that
part of me—friends with benefits—David will leave, Emily will be
sad, and I’ll be done with Mike eventually, because I don’t want to
marry him.

We had a name
for girls like me in high school—not a very nice name.

But it’s my
heart; it won’t stop. I can’t help but to feel the need to be
touched, and it disturbs me that it’s grown stronger since Jason
brought it to my attention. I wonder if he planted something in me,
some desire pill that makes me this way, or if he was right, if I
really am just that sort of girl.

I let the cold
water run over my neck and shoulders, washing away some of the burn
of desire.

No one wants
to admit what they truly are, in fact, it’s so much easier to lie
to yourself than to almost anyone in the world. I don’t want to be
promiscuous or needy. I just want to be loved, by someone who wants
to be with me, who will fight to stay with me forever, death and
imminent torture standing between us, or not. Is that so much to
ask?

And then, I
have to wonder if my feelings for Mike mean I don’t really love
David?

But, my heart
soars every time I think of that damn vampire. I definitely love
him. And I love Mike too. Is the heart really capable of loving two
people, wholly and unconditionally, at the same time?

Shivering and
wet, no closer to any real conclusions about love, I climbed into
bed, too emotionally drained to bother with anything more than
underwear and a singlet.

As the chill
in my skin caused the shivers from hell to exhaust me further, I
dropped into a sound sleep, finding a dream among the senseless
images; a meadow opened up before me, not the place I’d dream of
David sometimes, but a wide, grassy plane. Under the silvery light
of the moon, the swaying pastures turned whitish-blue. I walked
toward the great, wide tree at the centre of the dark-surrounded
space—running my fingers through the tips of the long grass.

There were no
stars tonight, and the clouds, hanging low—like my mood—glowed,
kind of blue under the half moon. Even the boy at the centre of the
field had a silvery glow to his body, his dark hair reflecting the
light.

“
Ara,” he whispered from beside me suddenly, forcing my heart
to start again in my throat.

“
Jason, you scared me.” I touched a hand to my chest. “Where
are we? Is this a dream?”

“
Not quite.”

“
What is it then?”

“
It’s a mind-link—a kind of meeting place.”

“
Am I asleep?” I looked around the tranquil, breezeless
space.

“
Yes.”

“
How is this possible?”

“
The mind is capable of many things, Ara—this is just one of
them.”

“
So, what is this—like, an illusion, or are you
real?”

He smiled and
reached an upturned palm between us; I looked at his hand. “Go on—”
he nodded, “—touch it.”

Slowly, with a
slight tremble in my fingertips, I reached across and placed my
hand against his; smooth, tickly, cool. “It’s real? You’re
real.”

“
As real as your mind wants me to be.”

“
So, is this something only
you
can do, or can
David—”

“
No, he hasn’t the skill.” Jason looked away then, squeezing
my fingers firmly.

I pulled my
hand away. “Can you hurt me here?”

“
Not any more than I can when you’re awake.”

“
So, yes. You can.” My body tensed a little.

“
I have no desire to.”

“
Why did you bring me here?”

“
You wanted answers. We can talk privately here.”

“
Where is here? Is this a made up place, or somewhere
real?”

Jason huffed softly, with a smile. “This is
your
dream, Ara.” He
motioned around the open field. “Of course, it’s usually daylight
here, but I guess you’re feeling sad tonight.”

“
What?
Usually
daylight? We’ve done this before?” My mouth stayed
open.

He smiled,
walking toward the single, widespread tree at the centre of the
field. “Yes, but I never let you remember.”

“
What?” I stood motionless.

“
This is not the first time we’ve met like this—and it won’t
be the last.” His voice became distant as his silhouette
disappeared under the tree.

“
So, when do we meet?” I moved then, eager to find him again.
“How long has this been going on?”

“
A while.” He sat down, leaning his spine against the
tree.

“
So, how come I don’t remember?”

“
I erase it from you.” A smile crept onto his lips, a secret
smile, and he looked away.

Why?
“What do we do—why do you need
to erase it?”

“
We talk mostly.” He reached up for my hand. “You kissed me
last time.”

“
What? I would never—”

“
But you did.”

I slumped
heavily on the ground beside him, ignoring his hand. “Why?”

“
You’re in love with me. It’s why you can’t seem to hate me,
no matter how hard you try.”

“
I am not!”

“
Shh.” He rose to his knees and placed a finger to my lips.
“Look into your heart, sweet girl. You’ve been curious, haven’t
you? As to why you feel the way you do.” His gentle eyes pleaded
with mine. “You love me, you love who I am now.”

I shook my
head, swallowing back the soul-crushing realisation.

“
You see? It’s true. Even your heart knows.”

“
How long?” I couldn’t breathe. What have I done? What’s wrong
with me? “How long have we been coming here—meeting like
this?”

“
Since Karnivale.” He sat back down, rested his head against
the bark of the tree, and smiled.

“
You made me fall in love with you? Why would you do this to
me—to David?”

“
Hey! I haven’t done anything, Ara,” he retorted. “You fell
for me. I only ever came here to talk to you—and you kissed me.” He
pointed to his chest, looking so human, so vulnerable with his
glassy eyes. “Besides—” he sat back against the tree, “—I don’t
care much for my brother, you know that.”

“
Well, I would if you’d let me remember!”

Jason said
nothing; he simply let out a breath and looked down.

“
Let me remember this one? Please?”

“
Out of the question.”

“
Then why did you ask me to come—why not just sneak in—like
normal?”

“
I don’t sneak in. Ever.” He sat forward, his elbows on his
knees. “I always ask you. I just erase our meetings in the real
world as well.”

“
Why?” I touched my collarbone. “And why didn’t you erase it
when you saved me—at Karnivale?”

“
Because I wanted you to remember
that
.”

“
Why?”

“
Because that’s when things changed. That’s when you started
to feel safe with me.”

“
I
don’t
feel safe with you.”

“
Yes, you do.” Jason smiled warmly. “You lay with me, talk
with me for hours, hold my hand.”

“
Then why would you erase that? Just to start all over again
each time we meet here?”

“
Because I have to. I don’t want to erase it.” He stole my
hand and ran his thumb over my fingertips. “But Ara, if you
remember seeing me every time we meet, then you would’ve left David
by now. You’re mine—you love me, and you’re confused about
that—about how you feel for him.” He dropped his head, his voice
softened. “I don’t want you to feel conflicted. It’s not the only
reason, but, by erasing this from your mind, it saves you all the
heartache; it saves me from losing you, and it means we get to have
these nights.” Jason smiled at my gaping mouth. “When David leaves
again, we can be together. Until then, this is all we can
have.”

“
No. No way. I don’t believe you,” my voice constricted with
panic.

“
Look at the proof, Ara,” Jason’s voice rose slightly, edgily,
as if he was afraid. “Look around. Does it look like I’m making
this up?” He held up our linked fingers; “Look how easily you touch
me. You know this is the truth.”