The Heart's Ashes (53 page)

She leaned
down and kissed my forehead, suddenly standing in front of me.
“Congratulations, Ara. I hope I get to be a bridesmaid again.”

“
Definitely.” I grinned.

As she walked
out of the room, I listened to the quiet hum of my little family
talking and laughing by the front door. This is nice. Finally,
after so much heartache and loneliness, I feel I truly have a place
in the world.

Chapter
17

“
So you told her anyway.” David leaned on the doorframe,
breaking my reverie. “Even though we agreed you
wouldn’t.”

“
Yes. And you knew I would. Eventually.”

“
She hates me now.” He appeared on the bed where Emily had
been. “She won’t forgive me for making Jason leave her.”

“
Wanna bet?” I raised a brow at him. “She’d forgive you if you
were the one that turned her.”
Besides,
what’d you care?

“
I know,” he said, obviously missing my thought. “I just feel
bad, that’s all.”

“
Hindsight.” I shrugged. “Twenty-twenty.”

“
Shame about that. Things would be easier if I could predict
the future.”

“
Things would be easier if I could read minds, but—” I didn’t
have anything to add, leaving the
but
as an end to my
statement.

“
Trust me, it’s not as fun as you’d think.” He folded his
fingers into his lap, crossing his ankles at the foot of the
bed.

“
I think the bad is something I’d be willing to live with—to
have the good.”

He smiled
broadly. “Is that an undercurrent I hear in your sentence,
Ara-Rose?”

“
What, me—hinting on a greater meaning?” I scoffed.
“Never.”

His ran his
thumb down the tip of his nose, a human move reserved for awkward
situations. “What is it, Ara? What’s eating you?”

“
You mean aside from the obvious?” I smirked at his
teeth.

“
Yes, aside from me, what’s eating you?”

I stared him
down, my lips twitching with internal dialogue—dialogue he couldn’t
hear. “Will I want to kill you when I’m Lilithian?”

His lips
pursed. “So that’s what you two were talking about.”

I nodded.

“
No. You won’t, Ara. It doesn’t work like that.”

“
Then what are you worried about—why don’t you want me to be
Lilithian?”

“
It’s not that, sweetheart.”

“
Then what is it?”

“
It’s many things.” He sat tall and turned slightly to look at
me. “I don’t want you to go through the pain of transformation. I
don’t want you to struggle to find food, I don’t want you to feel
the hunger, the lust for blood, and I don’t want your human
innocence, your purity, to be destroyed because of me—a creature
who has no real right to exist.”

I exhaled.
“Does a lion have a right to live?”

“
Huh?”

“
Answer me. Do you not marvel at the lion, do you not awe the
speed, agility, expertise of his attack? You’re no different,
David. Humans are, for all intents and purposes, parasites. How
long did you think it would be before we dropped a rank in the food
chain?”

He smirked,
obviously liking my direction.

“
What you do,” I said, “what the lion does, what you
are
, doesn’t make you
unworthy of existence. It’s horrible, but you’re still
good.”

His eyes
became small. “You hate it when I think otherwise, don’t you?”

“
Yes.”

“
Why?”

“
Because I love you.”

“
And if you love me, then there must be something wrong with
you.”

“
I never said that.”

“
No, but you’re justifying my existence so you suffer no guilt
for loving me—being that your feelings, obviously, in some
distorted
way, condone
my actions.”

I went to
retaliate, but bit my tongue. “Maybe. I’ve never really analysed my
human emotional inner-workings. I’ll ask Vicki,” I said with a
certain amount of enthusiasm.

David laughed.
“I can just see that conversation unfolding. Rather amusing.”

I flopped down
on the pillow beside him, my ear against his upper arm, my hand in
his, and we laid that way for a while, the house quiet around us
with Emily and Mike off for a run. “Hey, David?”

“
Yeah?”

“
Since we’re getting married and, you know, we’re gonna be
together for eternity, do you think...”

“
Whoa!” He held up a hand and rolled onto his side to face me.
“I know what you’re about to say.”

“
You do?”

“
Yes.” He blinked, letting out a breath. “You want to have
sex.”

I smiled.
“Well, yeah, but, for a reason.”

“
Other than wanting to have sex?” The humour in his voice made
me smile.

“
Yeah, kinda. It was more that I wanted to feel what it’s like
to be spirit bound, you know, to not feel things for Mike anymore,
to not think of him.”

David
frowned.

“
Emily said that when she woke up—as a vampire—it was a relief
not to feel anything for us humans anymore. I just...I wanted to
know what that feels like before I become a vampire.”

His face
showed visible signs of anguished and carnal thoughts ticking
through his mind. “Really?”

“
Yeah.” I nodded, breathless. I think I broke the barrier. The
idea of us—together—had me hot, all over.

The secret
smile curled around David’s lips. He slid a hand beside my face,
cupping my jaw, his thumb making gentle strokes over my ear. “I can
hear your thoughts when you’re hot like this, Ara.”

My smile
mimicked his. “Good.”

The poised
vampire was knocked back for a second, showing a winded,
unrestrained David. “Ara, just...just the thought of having you,
I...” His breath quickened, his eyes alight with thoughts I offered
him—thoughts I imagined only too many times—enough to perfect them,
as if they were a movie.

“
I don’t want this to be just thoughts anymore,
David.”

“
We’re getting married in a few weeks, Ara. Why not just wait
‘til then?”

Oh, there was absolutely no persuasion in his voice
then.
I beamed. “Why wait? We’re here, in
bed, I’m willing, you’re wanting.”

“
Stop it.” He smiled, rolling onto his back, releasing my
face.

“
No way.” I laid alongside him, the heat flooding though my
body forced me to touch him—no longer satiated by nearness. “I’ve
got you now. I can feel you caving. One push and you’re all
mine.”

“
Such a brave girl.” He cupped my hand tightly, stopping my
touch. “What if I don’t want to do this?”

I laughed, a
little nervous. “I know you do.”

“
But I don’t, Ara.” He rolled away and stood up, leaving me to
fall down a gaping vortex, obviously in my own world—again. When he
looked back, his face softened. “Oh, Ara. I’m sorry.”

I sniffled as
his hands fell along my face, lifting it to meet his gaze. “Why
don’t you want me? Am I too plain for you?”

“
Please, Ara, don’t say such things. I am craving your skin. I
want desperately to make love to you.”

“
Then why won’t you?”

“
Because I’ve never done anything in my life the right way
around. I just—I just wanted to do this one thing.”

“
But that’s not fair on me. I don’t see sex the way you do. I
don’t care if it’s before or after marriage. I just want you, and I
want you to want me.”

“
I do want you,” he said, his brow against mine, agony filling
his fingertips.

I pushed them
off my face. “Coulda fooled me.”

“
Ara, please.” He turned to face me as I stood and leaned
against the wall—away from him.

I shook my
head, folding my arms. “I don’t get it. I’m not asking you to give
up your life or murder people. It’s just sex. That’s it. Sex.”

He sat on the
edge of the bed and pressed his palms together, breathing into
them.

“
David. We’re not in the nineteen hundreds. Grow up!” The heat
of lust dissipated from everywhere below my belt, turning into
humiliation as it left; I turned to storm out of the room, but a
hand caught mine.

“
Don’t go. Please.”

“
Why not?”

“
Because I—” His shoulders dropped. “I want to do this. You
just—you don’t understand.”

“
Then tell me.” I stepped into him, tilting my head up to look
into his eyes. “Make me understand.”

He gently
grabbed my arm, his fingers binding, and stared at it. “I’m
hungry.”

“
What? No, you’re not. You went hunting with Emily last
night.”

He shook his
head. “No. I went, but I...I didn’t eat.”

“
Why?”

“
I don’t’ know.”

“
So, go eat now. I’ll wait.”

He smiled, his
lips wide, his affronted laughter breathy. “You want me to kill
someone, then come home and make love to you?”

I winced. “Ur,
yeah, that is a bit gross, I suppose.”

Even
he
nodded.

Man, what is happening to me?
“I’ve
been hanging out with vampires too often, I think.”

He nodded
again, his eyes widening for a second.

“
Sorry,” I said.

“
Don’t be sorry.”

“
Sorry.”

“
Ara?”

“
Sorry.” I laughed. “I mean...argh! Stop it.”

Strong arms
encased me against his chest; they felt tight, like a ribbon of
anguish and indecision. His chest shook with his gentle laugh and I
breathed deep the orange-chocolate scent—faded with the absence of
human blood in his veins, making the powdery cloud of soap
stronger.

Without need
for words, he whispered his desires, the air changing around us,
his hands sliding down my back, each fingertip pressing my spine
under the rim of my shirt. It felt as if our hips were swinging—a
dance—but we stood so still. Both of us frozen with
anticipation.

The ball in
his throat shifted when he swallowed. “Ara?”

“
Yes.” I dared not speak too loud.

“
You’re right.”

“
I am?”

He slid his
fingers further under my shirt and touched my ribs, inching just
under my bra. “Yes. We love each other—want each other. There’s no
reason to deny what we both need.”

Slowly,
stiffly, my hand rose, inching up his chest until I cupped the back
of his neck, brave enough to raise my other hand only when he slid
both his under my shirt, slipping his thumbs under the clasp of my
bra—releasing it. The feeling of freedom made me draw a quick
lungful of air, my skin exposed, cool, open.

“
So soft,” he whispered, his breath hot and shaky against my
hair.

I traced the
top of his spine with my thumb, scratching from his hairline down
to his collar, nervously, repeatedly, softly, then rigidly,
becoming faster, digging deeper as his hands inched my shirt up my
ribs, revealing my stomach, my shoulder blades and finally, as I
lifted my arms, everything else I wanted to show him.

His stare
lingered too long; I tucked my elbows into my waist to cover
myself, taking a small step back from him.

“
Don’t,” he said, pulling my hands gently away.

My skin
tingled all over; nerves and desire filing me up with that pleasant
heat again. The vampire stepped into me, reaching down to my jeans.
I closed my eyes.

There are
places he’ll go in just a few minutes—places no one has ever
touched me. What if I’m not good enough, what if I can’t make him
happy, what if—

“
Shh.” He hooked his finger under my chin and tilted my face
upward; I opened my eyes to the black pupils of the vampire-David.
“You’ll be fine, Ara.”

“
But I...I don’t know how to, I mean, or what to—”

His lip pulled
sharply on one corner, his eyes sparkling. “It’s okay. I do.”

I nodded,
crossing my arms over my bare chest.

He took my
wrist and pulled me a step closer. “I’ll take care of you,
okay?”

“
I know,” I said into his skin, my breath coming back hot,
mixed with an almost sickly-sweet scent.

“
Just remember, you are beautiful. Don’t be
afraid.”

“
Okay.”

He slowly, so
slowly untangled his hands from the hair at the base of my neck and
slid them down my back, guiding his own descent to his knees. The
heat sunk through my body, making me jump slightly when I felt a
rush between my thighs. David tinkered with my button, releasing it
with a small pop, then slowly, with one hand holding the base, slid
my zipper down, stopping just where my thighs met.

My skin
crawled all over my body, shifting in circles around my elbows, of
all places. His cool, skilful fingertips traced a line for his lips
to follow, winding from my navel to my ribs and down the midline of
my lace undies.

Outside,
headlights lit the room up; I caught a flash of the pale girl in
the mirror, covering her chest with her wrists, a man kneeling in
front of her, his dark, tousled hair becoming grey until the light
disappeared and the room was cast in darkness once more.