The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom (40 page)

D
o you think he’ll be okay?” Ella asked as she, Liam, and Snow White stood on the meadow outside Zaubera’s fortress and watched Gustav and Duncan fly off on the dragon with the injured Frederic.

“We can only hope,” Liam said, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the setting sun. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think Gustav knows best right now.”

All around them the lush green grass dried up suddenly, turning yellow and brittle. The wind blew up clouds of dirt at their feet. Ella turned to Liam, concerned.

“The witch is dead,” he surmised.

“Excuse me! Sir? Misses?” The voice came from high above them. Liam and Ella looked up to see Lyrical Leif tangled in a web of purple vines. “Might you be able to assist us in finding our way to solid ground?”

“The bards!” Liam said. Leif and the three other songwriters were all strung along the upper edges of the fortress wall. “Just a moment, gentlemen!”

“Oh, look! There’s Wallace Fitzwallace,” Snow said, and offered the dangling bard a friendly wave. “Sing us a song, Fitzy!”

Liam ran to the dwarfs, who were waiting nearby.

“Flik, Frak, Frank!” Liam called. “Could you bring your wagon over here and lend a hand?”

“You don’t think those are our real names, do you?” Frank grumbled. “That’s just what Duncan calls us.”

“Sorry, didn’t realize. What are your real names?”

“Eh, doesn’t matter,” Frank said. “We’re coming with the wagon.”

With the wagon in place under Lyrical Leif, Liam and Ella climbed up on top of it.

“If I give you a boost, I think you’ll be able to reach him,” Liam said.

But Ella was staring off at the approaching army, particularly the golden coach at its lead, which was just now rolling into the field before Zaubera’s fortress. “Doesn’t Erinthia’s flag have a gold star in the middle?” Ella asked.

“Yes, why?” Liam asked.

“Then whose banner is flying on that coach?”

Liam turned to look. His mouth went dry at the sight of the Avondellian flag. “Briar Rose,” he said.

Inside the gilded carriage, Briar Rose, Lila, and Ruffian the Blue watched the huge tower crumble down into the black stone fortress before them. The three dropped their jaws in unison at the sight of the dragon soaring off into the violet sky.

“What in the world is going on over there?” Briar finally asked.

“I hope we’re not too late,” Lila gasped.

“Shut up,” Briar snapped. “Did my fiancé just get squashed or eaten? Did he? Tell me something, bounty hunter.”

With a deep sigh, the sullen bounty hunter lifted a spyglass to his right eye and peered ahead. “Hmmm. Hmm. Ehhh…”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Briar barked. “Tell us something!”

“Yeah, come on, Ruffian—use your words,” Lila added.

“It’s too bumpy,” Ruffian whined.

Briar let out an annoyed grunt, then leaned out the window and shouted to her army’s commander. “Halt! Everybody halt right here!”

The coach jerked to a stop, and all five hundred cavalry horses stopped with it.

“We await your order, Your Highness,” the army commander shouted.

Briar ducked back into the carriage. “Well?”

“Your prince is still alive,” Ruffian droned. He turned away from the spyglass to cast an annoyed glare at the princesses.

“Let me see,” Briar said. “Out of the way, girl.” She shoved Lila backward, knocking her off the bench onto the floor of the coach. Briar grabbed the spyglass from the bounty hunter and used it to survey the scene ahead of them.

Thank you
, Lila thought as she lay behind Briar and Ruffian.
Finally a chance to get rid of these cuffs
. She pulled out the hairpin that Ella had given her. It released her wayward ringlet, but more importantly, it gave her a lock-picking tool. While Briar and Ruffian argued (“Where is he? You said you saw him.” “I did. He had his arm around a girl in strange blue shorts.” “Girl? What girl? Who is she?” “How would I know who she is?”), Lila stuck the pin into the lock on her shackles, twisted it, and popped the cuffs open.

With Ruffian and Briar still going at it (“If you would just give me my spyglass back, I could take another look.” “You think I can’t use a stupid telescope?”), Lila took big tufts of the Avondellian princess’s curly hair and tied them in knots through one of the handcuffs. As Ruffian reached to grab the spyglass back, Lila stood up and snapped the other cuff over the bounty hunter’s wrist.

“Heyyyy,” Ruffian said.

“What the—,” Briar began to shout, but Lila quickly leapt past her captors. Ruffian and Briar both attempted to grab the girl, but thanks to the shackles, the two got tangled into a human knot. As Ruffian tumbled over Briar, he pulled the princess’s ample hair across her face like a mask. As Briar tried to scream, her mouth was stuffed full of her own fluffy auburn curls.

“Bye, guys!” Lila said as she shimmied through the open window of the carriage and sprinted away.

Ruffian tried to get up to chase her, but as soon as he moved, he yanked Briar Rose down by the hair. Briar shrieked, then growled.

“I’m cuffed to your hair,” Ruffian said in disbelief. For the first time in years, Ruffian the Blue’s mouth curved into something resembling a smile.

He took another step toward the door but stopped when Briar let out another muffled scream. She grabbed him by the hood and pulled him back to her.

“Zhah hurff!” Briar gurgled through a mouthful of hair. Translation:
That hurts!

Ruffian tried to untie the knotted curls that were looped through the manacle. “It’s too difficult. Your hair is so thick and full-bodied,” he said. He pulled out a knife.

“Goo. Mah. Cuh. My. Hai-uh.” (
Do. Not. Cut. My. Hair.
)

Ruffian tossed his hands up. “What do you want from me?” he moaned. He turned to the window and said in a soft, slow monotone, “Guard. A little assist in here.” It was Ruffian’s way of calling for help.

“Goo ooh ee-meh mo how ooh yeh-ooh?” (
Do you even know how to yell?
)

“Guard,” Ruffian said again, slightly louder, but still in a tone that would be fully acceptable to most librarians.

Outside the coach, a soldier watched Lila running away. “Commander, should we be stopping her?” he asked.

“Have you seen the princess when she’s angry?” the commander said. “We’re not doing a thing unless she tells us to.”

“They’ve stopped,” Ella said, referring to the Avondellian army.

“I’m not sure what’s going on down there,” Liam said. “But now’s our chance to free the bards.” He bent down and cupped his hands for Ella to step into.

“Wait, look!” Ella shouted. She and Liam ran to the edge of the wagon top to see the girl who was speeding across the meadow toward them.

“Lila!” they shouted in unison.

Lila reached the wagon, scrambled up onto its roof, and threw her arms around Liam.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Liam said.

“Likewise,” Lila said. She broke off the hug and turned to Ella. “And it is so awesome that you made it, too! But, come on. We’ve probably got about three seconds to get out of here.” She grabbed both Liam and Ella by the hand and tried to lead them down off the wagon top.

“Okay,” Liam said. “We just need to get the bards down first.”

“Thank you,” Lyrical Leif called down.

“You don’t understand,” Lila said. “The instant Briar Rose gets free, that entire army is going to come charging after you.”

“Gets free?” Ella asked. “What did you do to her?”

“I’ll tell you later. Come on!” Lila hopped down.

“But the bards!” Liam protested.

“I’m sure these strapping young men here can handle the bards,” Lila said. She gestured to Gustav’s brothers, who had just marched up to them.

“The princes of Sturmhagen are here,” Henrik announced. “Somebody point to the people who need saving.”

Fig. 41 The Princes of STURMHAGEN

Liam looked to Briar’s gold carriage. It was rocking and bouncing as if a brawl was going on inside it. Some of the surrounding soldiers were approaching the coach suspiciously. “Okay, let’s go,” Liam said. “These men will help you out!” he yelled up to the bards as he jumped to the ground. Ella followed.

“Hello, Princess Snow, sorry for the lack of a formal introduction,” Liam said. “But can you and the dwarfs get us out of here?”

“Of course,” Snow replied. “Hop in.”

Frank huffed but drove everybody away speedily nonetheless.

Henrik looked up. “Ah! Master Leif! Your heroes have arrived.”

31

P
RINCE
C
HARMING
G
ETS
J
UST
W
HAT
H
E
T
HINKS
H
E
W
ANTED

D
uncan, Gustav, and Frederic flew on dragonback to Castle Sturmhagen, where they’d arranged to meet Liam and Ella (Snow and the dwarfs gave Lila a ride back home after the young princess explained that she needed to pretend she’d been in her room this whole time). After a heartfelt reunion (during which Gustav was so overwhelmed by emotion that he actually gave Frederic a pat on the back), the group met with King Olaf and Queen Berthilda of Sturmhagen, who were clad head to toe in thick furs. The princes reported everything to them: the foiling of the Bandit King’s army, the tricking of the giant, the taming of the dragon, the witch’s demise. The generally hard-to-impress royal couple listened intently and began to regard their youngest son with something approaching admiration. (They seemed perturbed only once, when Frederic said to them, “Oh, by the way, you’re going to have to turn over some of your land to the trolls.”)

Pennyfeather the Mellifluous was on hand to hear the princes’ tale. He tipped his floppy hat to Ella when he saw her and excitedly jotted down the details for what he was sure would become his greatest and most popular story-song yet.

“And now, Father, we’re heading back out there to make sure those bards get home safely,” Gustav said when they were done.

“You’ll do no such thing,” King Olaf decreed. “You people are a mess. Gustav, your scalp has been seared and you’re favoring your left leg. Prince Liam is limping as well. The young woman looks like she’s been run through a wheat thresher. And there’s obviously
something
wrong with that small fellow.” He pointed at Duncan.

“You men—and you as well, miss”—Queen Berthilda gestured to Ella—“need to relax and recuperate. You’ve done Sturmhagen and the world a great favor; let us take care of you in return.”

“But the bards—,” Gustav started.

“Your brothers, I’m sure, are taking care of them,” Olaf insisted.

“But we’ve done
everything
so far,” Gustav said. “
Us
. We should be the ones to—”

King Olaf raised his hand to hush his youngest son. “Gustav,” he said, “I’m proud of you. You can relax now.”

For the first time in his life, Gustav blushed.

After that, the red carpet (well, really it was a fur carpet—everything was made of fur in Sturmhagen) was rolled out for the former Princes Charming and their companions. Their injuries were tended to, their thirst and hunger sated, their unkemptness re-kempted. Everyone was supplied with a much-appreciated change of clothing. Frederic even refrained from complaining about the tacky badger-pelt trim on the jacket they gave him.

It took little more than a week for Pennyfeather’s new song, “Cinderella and the League of Princes,” to become a global sensation. People went gaga over the story of four princes who were recruited by their leader, Cinderella, to save the world from an all-powerful witch. Pennyfeather was a typical bard; he was bound to get some stuff wrong. But hey, he got all four of the princes’ names right. He also failed to even mention Zaubera’s name, ensuring once and for all that the witch would never achieve the fame she’d so desperately sought.