The Language Inside (45 page)

we sit in silence for a while

then I say what’s clear to me now

I’m thinking that somehow

I have to help Tohoku from here

and after a moment

she says

really? me, too

let me know if there’s

something I can do

and I realize I’ll need to give her

an assignment

because she has to get her mind off

her own body

I glance around the crowded room

that used to be YiaYia’s sewing room

now cluttered with Mom’s stuff

will we stay here?

at YiaYia’s the whole year?

we won’t move to Vermont?

we’ll stay here
she says

near the hospitals and clinics

well then
I say

if you’ll be an adviser

for my Tohoku project

I’ll cook you Japanese food

deal!
she says

then she whispers
poor YiaYia!

and I laugh and she laughs

until she hurts and grimaces

and I make us both banana yogurt smoothies

with protein powder and
yuzu
preserves

and while we’re sipping the smoothies

even though I feel like

one of those surfers the helicopters

hover over Sagami Bay searching for—

               a surfer being sucked out to sea

               tumbled and plunged

               under typhoon waves higher

               than anticipated

we bounce ideas back and forth

for helping people in Tohoku

from here in Massachusetts

after I finish my homework

I sit on my bed with my journal

and fiddle with a list

    
in a year the snowcap

    
grows to a full skirt

    
then recedes

    
a breast disappears

    
the cat grows fatter

    
kanji go fainter

    
temple bells gong

    
a father shifts jobs

    
a boy loses language

    
a mother stops running

    
rubble is cleared

    
a body is found

    
incense is burned

    
houses repaired

    
and a daughter

    
doesn’t know what to do

I think of Miyagi

and how much is gone

I think of Madoka’s aunt

so long unfound

I think of Samnang’s mother

and all that she endured

I think of my mother

I think of Zena

and I wonder

what to do

Saturday Dad drops me at the Newall Center

while he goes out to find an Asian market

to shop for groceries—

               comfort food and ingredients

               that he thinks Mom may want

               but YiaYia won’t know to buy:

                         soba noodles, miso, tofu, ginger, nori

first I stop in to see Zena

and find her in her room

working on her new computer

writing with the eye tracker

I ask how it’s going and she looks up

then she starts typing a line to show me

the slow and deliberate process

choosing letters to type

or selecting words

from the prompt list

all with a blink

then she spells

h-o-w r u?

turning the conversation

on me

okay
I say

then she spells for me to turn her wheelchair

and when I do Zena looks right into me

and points with her eyes toward a chair for me

I pull the chair up beside her

and I feel so pathetic sitting there

before a paralyzed woman

who can’t move her arms or legs

who can’t speak

and whose daughter

had to be raised by her sister

but I can’t help it

tears come

I wipe them away

try to calm myself

taking three slow breaths

sorry
I say to Zena

I act all put together for my parents

but I seem to have no control

over anything anymore

Zena points her eyes at the letter board

but first I stand up for a tissue

then sit down again

and to Zena’s questions

I explain Mom’s treatment

our staying for a year

and that though it’s not

what I’d hoped for

I’ll try to make it work