The Makeover (46 page)

“San,” Nic
stared at her friend.  “Why are you acting like this?  Stop all
that.”

“
Naw
.  Your girl came over here to show off how
fly
she
is, yet her ex-fiancé has gotten another woman pregnant.  I guess your new
body didn’t stop him from wanting to marry the girl he left you for. 
Hmmm.  Maybe a few more months in the gym and he’ll change his mind about
you.”   Dismissing Phoenix with her eyes, San picked the menu back up
and looked at Nic.  “What are you getting?”

Phoenix
clenched her fists.  “You know what, San?  You’re a heartless bi—”

But her words
were cut off by Cara’s hand on her arm.  She waved at the table and pulled
at Phoenix’s arm.  “Phoenix?  We have to go.  I’m sorry, but I
have to leave.  You’re food’s been wrapped up and I paid for us. 
Let’s go, okay?”

Phoenix stared
at Cara, who was pleading with her with her eyes.  She wanted to grab
Sandra and choke her for the way she had crushed her spirit, for the way San
had taken her effort to talk to them and had used it against her.  She
wanted to curse Nicola out for not sticking up for her.  But she had lost
all her strength.

Phoenix blinked
back her tears and stared at San for a moment before allowing a smile to cover
her trembling lips.  “Okay, well thank you for the news.  I wish them
all the happiness.  Anyway, my friend here has to go.  I hope you
enjoy the rest of your lunch.”

She turned and
walked over to their table to retrieve her coat, purse, and doggie bag. 
Without another look, she followed Cara out of the restaurant.

As they walked
back to their block in silence, Phoenix’s head spun.  It was all she could
do to keep from vomiting. 

When they
reached their building, Cara pulled Phoenix into a hug.  “Are you okay?”
she asked in a gentle voice.

Phoenix pulled
away and stared at Cara for a moment, struggling to get her anger under
control, but she found that she could not.  Cara was her only friend, but
she had gotten Phoenix into that mess and needed to know it.  “So you
still want to talk to me about moving forward and forgiveness?”

Cara
sighed.  “I know that was hard.  Maybe God allowed that to happen in
order to confirm that it is definitely time to let everything with Cedric
go.  I’m am sorry that—”

“For
what?  For causing me to make a fool of myself?  For putting me in
the position to receive news that will set me back weeks?  If I had just
left things alone, and minded my business, I’d be feeling good right now. 
Instead I do what you said and make a fool of myself.  And my
used-to-be-best friend basically took a knife that was already in my heart and
shoved it back in, in a new place.  Why couldn’t you just leave me be,
Cara?”

“I know you’re
upset, Phoenix.  I was just trying to encourage you to do the right thing,
for your sake.  It is hard to let things go and forgive, but it’s for the
best.  Anyway, it’s not like it was only their fault.  That
dark-skinned girl said something to you and you told her y’all were
finished.  Rather than feeding into her mess, you could have just ignored
her, and all that wouldn’t have gotten started in the first—”

“Oh, so because
I didn’t say the right thing, I caused San to come after me like she did? 
It’s my fault that she decided to throw something like that in my face to hurt
me?” Phoenix cried.

“No, I am just
saying that when we feed into ways that people goad us, we are opening the door
for a huge fight that nobody wins.  It really got out of hand.  I
thought you guys would make up! And you did make the first effort.  I know
you didn’t get the response you wanted, or the news you needed, but I believe
that happened so God could get you to let go of this bitter scheme.  It
also happened because—”

“It happened
because you couldn’t mind your business!” Phoenix shouted. “Look, I am thankful
for your friendship and for your help these past few months.  You helped
me in ways I can never repay.  But stop trying to turn me into something I
am not.  I know what the Bible says about loving people and forgiveness
and letting things go!  I also know that I am not there yet.  You and
Paulo and folks at the Bible studies have all been trying to so-called get
through to me, but I ain’t there yet!  If you all truly believe God is in
control and God is the One who does the work in us, like I keep hearing, then
let Him!  Stop trying to force me to go beyond where I am at.  Stop
trying to shove your beliefs down my throat!  If you really want to help,
just stop lecturing me and telling me I
gotta
do this
or that and pray for me.  I know you’re trying to help but I don’t need
that kind of help.  Let me be myself and let me handle this myself!”

With that,
Phoenix ran up the stoop, unlocked the security doors and slammed them shut,
not bothering to hold them for her friend.

Cara let her
go.  She wanted to say so much but she felt the Spirit leading her to give
her friend space.  She would pray about their argument as soon as she got
to her apartment. 

But right then,
she stood in the February afternoon air, processing her friend’s words. 
She could only feel sadness.  Although she’d had good intentions, she had
pushed Phoenix into a situation that turned out to be very hurtful.  She
had decided to take matters into her own hands in her desire to fix
Phoenix.  And Cara wanted to keep arguing with her friend about her own
actions, but she couldn’t.  All she could do was apologize and admit that
Phoenix had been right.

Phoenix was not
there yet and she would not get there through Cara.

Only God could
get through to Phoenix and heal her heart.

Cara’s job was
to keep loving her as she was, even as she prayed for God to make her who He
wanted her to be. 

And Cara cried,
disappointed in herself, for trying, once again, to do God’s job.

Chapter 25

Don’t be
concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful
clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from
within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious
to God (1 Peter 3:3-4).

“Is something
the matter?” Paulo asked, several hours later.  He had been reading from
Galatians Chapter Five when he noticed that Phoenix wasn’t even remotely
listening.

Phoenix was
sitting in the apartment-turned-office on the ground floor of his
brownstone.  She had claimed a spot on the leather sofa and had been
staring
off into space for the past hour.

“Don’t want to
get into it,” she answered.  “You were talking about the Fruits of the
Holy Spirit or something like that?”

Paulo closed
his Bible.  “Yeah.  But let’s talk about what’s on your mind first.”

“I said—”

“Okay then we
can take this up another time,” Paulo retorted, standing to begin collecting
his papers.

“What? 
Why are you ending the study?” Phoenix asked, crossing her arms as she watched
him stuff papers into his briefcase.  She didn’t want to speak to him
about her pain.  She just wanted to be near him. 
Why is the God
patrol on my case today?
she thought.

“Because there
is no way we can study the Word if you aren’t even listening to me read
it.  If you let out what is on your mind, maybe we can discuss it or pray
about it.  Instead you’re just sitting there simmering with anger. 
 Maybe you can ask God to help you forgive whoever hurt you
today
. 
You’re not willing to do that, so let’s leave this for another time when you
can focus.  Ready to go?  I’ll walk you home.”

Phoenix snapped
her eyes shut.  She was way past the point of having had enough.  “I
am not going anywhere.  I am staying right here.”

“I don’t think
that is a good idea right now, Phoenix,” Paulo responded, crossing his
arms.  “Right now, you clearly need some—”

But the roll of
her eyes dismissed him.  “You know what? 
Right now
, I don’t
need you to tell me what I need, Paulo.  I just need you to be my friend
right
now
and respect my feelings and my space,
right now
.  I don’t
need you to fix everything in my life,
right now
.  I don’t need
prayer and I don’t need to be counseled,
right now
.  And,
right
now,
I don’t even need to vent.  I just need to sit here and let this
all pass.  That’s what I need from you
right now!
”

“No,” Paulo
continued to gather up his belongings.

“What do you
mean ‘no?’” Phoenix’s face crumbled. 

“Just as I
said.  No.  I am not going to sit here while you shut me out, while
taking your anger out on me.  I can’t help you if you don’t let me. 
I can’t go through this again, and definitely not with you, after all that has
happened between us.  If you want my
friendship
, you have to be
honest with me. And I do mean
right now,”
he sneered.  “Besides,
after Elizabeth—”

“Listen, I
didn’t ask for your help with this!  Why does our friendship have to be
only on your terms? 
Besides
, I am not Elizabeth and I am not
suffering from a mental illness.  I am not trying to trick you into
marrying me without being honest with you.  I don’t have mood swings that
can only be controlled with mood stabilizers and antipsychotic
medications.  I am going through something, I know.  But the last
thing I will do, as much as I wish I could just die sometimes, is kill myself!
I am not as weak as you think! So don’t compare me to your wife! You couldn’t
rescue her and you can’t always rescue me!” Phoenix screamed, her face
contorted with rage.

Paulo’s golden
skin turned an ash gray as oxygen leaked from every pore of his
body.   He turned to gather his things with trembling hands but
dropped some of his papers and books on the floor.  Without warning, he
used his forearm to push everything from his desk, before tossing the desk over
onto its side with a growl.

With a face
that became the color of freshly-shed blood, while roaring words in Portuguese,
he stormed out of the office and slammed the door hard enough to shake the
frame of the entire building.  Phoenix, who sat there stunned, heard his
footsteps pound on the concrete steps, heard him open the heavy oak front door
of the main floor, and heard him slam it shut with such force that the glass
shattered.

Once the glass
hit the steps, Phoenix burst into tears.

Phoenix stared
at the mess on the floor for at least a half hour before deciding to clean
it.  She had only seen Paulo raise his voice one time and she had caused
that as well.  Now, he was trashing his belongings—tossing over desks and
breaking glass.  She was forced to admit that she had pushed him too far.

What was
happening to her?  How could she even say such a thing to anyone, let alone
the one person she loved more than anyone?  “Why did I say that mess about
his wife?  I know better.  Not only do I handle such things for a
living, but I have common sense.  God, what’s wrong with me?  Why
would I say all that?  That’s not even like me,” she whispered into the
office space.

It is the
bitterness that has taken root in your heart, Daughter.  Vengeance belongs
only to Me because only I have the right to judge.  Return to me and I
will give you rest.  Only I can give you the desires of your heart.

Phoenix jumped
off the sofa and looked around.  Goosebumps rose on her skin as she began
to sense that she was not alone in the office.

With a quaking
stomach, she tried to shake off the feeling that Someone was watching her, as well
as the overwhelming sadness filling her from the depths of her soul.

Come to
me, Daughter.  You were mine from the beginning.  Come back to
me.  Repent  and I will give you rest.

Phoenix began
to weep at the clear sound of the Voice as her body began to tingle. 
Sinking to her knees, she allowed the feeling to envelop her with warmth, even
as the pain engulfed every part of her.

“God?” she
began in a quaking voice.  “I’m here.  I give up.  I confess
that—”

But the words
that she spoke were overcome by another voice in her head.

What do you
have to confess? There is nothing for you to confess.  It’s not your fault
that you’ve been mistreated all your life.  God is the One who put you in
this position, didn’t He?  It’s disturbing, really, how He put you in a
position to have to beg for love all of your life.

“Wait, that’s
not true!” Phoenix said, placing a trembling hand on her forehead.  “God
loves me and He sent me Paulo…”

The enemy
continued to taunt her
.  If God loved you, would He have made it so
hard for you to have love?  He made you so unattractive and forced you to
be around people that only love you based on what you do for them.  Your
father left you, your mother is too self-absorbed to care for you, your friends
have betrayed you, and Cedric used you after all you’ve done for him.  God
could have stopped it but He chose not to.

Phoenix, now
was lying on the floor, as the voice continued to assault her.  “But He
does love me, in spite of everything.  He sent me Cara and Paulo to love
me and help me and—”

Even Cara
and Paulo, supposedly God’s people, refuse to love you as you are.  They
refuse to love you unless you do what they want you to do.  Paulo has not
expressed any more interest in you simply because you’ve been hurt.  What
kind of love is that?  If he loved you, he would not force you to do
things his way.  Who says Paulo gets to lead everything?  God is the
same way.  He doesn’t love you unless you do things His way.  What
kind of love is that? You’ve been hurt and you want to make those who hurt you
pay for what they’ve done.  What is wrong with vengeance if God Himself
says that vengeance is His?  If God is holy and vengeance is His, then
what’s wrong with vengeance? Why is it that only God can have justice and not
you?  You were the one who was hurt, after all, and God was the One who
allowed it.