The Makeover (48 page)

Phoenix rolled
her eyes.  “Why does everyone keep saying I am bitter?”

“Because it’s
already taken root inside of you and is now spilling over into everything you
say and all the decisions you make.”  Paulo made a face.  “So has
this new-found arrogance that tries to masquerade as confidence.  I guess
I recognize the bitterness in you because God has been dealing with me about
that as well.”

Phoenix
remembered the voice telling her it was the root of bitterness causing her to
react so shamefully with her friend…with the man she loved.

But she
shrugged the memory away.  “Okay, yes, there are some things from my past
that I have not gotten over, but what do I have to be bitter about?  I
feel good, I look good—”

“You look nice,
but then again, you always were beautiful, at least you used to be, to me.”

Phoenix was
staggered.  “What do you mean I used to be?  I was never attractive
until I lost this weight and started taking better care of my skin.  I got
the right clothes now and—”

“I don’t want
to hurt you, but to me, you no longer look half as attractive as you used to.”

“What?” Phoenix
stumbled back, shrinking from his words.  “Why would you say that?”

“Because what
has happened is exactly what I thought would happen.”

“And what’s
that?”

Paulo sat down
on his swivel chair in the corner.  “Because you’ve fixed up the outside
but your heart is full of anger and malice and venom.  Okay, before you
were heavier, and yeah, you wanted some new clothes to highlight your
assets.  Fine.  Sure, a new hair style didn’t hurt.  But to me,
you
were
beautiful.  You were kind.  You were sweet and shy
and thankful for every little thing.  You were soft, Phoenix.  And I
don’t mean your belly.  I mean your heart.  You were soft and
loving.  You wanted to be loved so badly but you were willing to give love
first.  It is what made you,
you. 
And
you,
the you I
first met, was so lovely.  It was that woman I fell in love with.”

Phoenix sucked
in a gasp and sunk to the floor.  “You fell in love before—”

“Yes and don’t
pretend like I haven’t made it clear.  And it was
that
you I wanted
to be with, if you came to know the Lord, and wanted me back.  And okay,
physically, many would say you look the best you’ve ever looked, but I think
you were more attractive before.”

“But why do you
say that when—”

“Because you
were searching for confidence, and it has turned to arrogance.  You were
searching for beauty, but have quickly lost most of the things that made you
beautiful—in a way that lasts.  You were searching for love and have
forgotten how to love back.  These past few months, you’ve become self-absorbed,
vain, prideful, and bitter.  How can that ever make you look truly
beautiful?”

“All this
because I made a mistake I’ve already apologized for?” Phoenix shrieked. 
“How is that fair?”

“Fair?” Paulo
laughed.  “Was it fair for you to scream at Cara for trying to help you
make amends with your friends?”

“Here we go
with the God squad!  I mean for someone who is already married, she sure
talks to you a whole lot.  If you already knew what was bothering me, why
did you ask?”

“Because I
wanted
you
to share it with me.  I wanted you to choose not to shut
me out.   But you did.  The Phoenix I knew before would have
never done that.  Was it fair for you to lash out at me because I didn’t
handle things the way you wanted?  Again, the old Phoenix would never have
said those things.  We were just trying to help you because we care. 
Cara loves you as a sister.  I love you as my woman.  But you don’t
even know what that means anymore.  It’s funny because you kept saying no
one wants to love you because you were not beautiful.  We loved you
because we found you beautiful long before your magic makeover.  Only
problem is, you have no idea what to do with it.”  

“That’s not
true.  You guys only love me when I do what you want me to do.”

“We want you to
do the right thing
because
we love you, not in order for us to love
you.  Don’t listen to the devil’s lies.  We are warning you so you
don’t end up worse off than you’ve ever been, Phoenix.  Cara and I were
just trying to help you avoid the mistakes we’ve already made.  I tried to
warn you not to focus all on what is on the outside because what really makes a
woman beautiful is what is in her heart.  The Lord says a woman is
beautiful by her meek and gentle spirit.  That was what I first saw in
you, what I saw in your beautiful eyes.  That is what God sees in
you.”  Paulo sighed and closed his eyes.  “And now that’s gone…just
like the weight.  Only you didn’t become more attractive because of
it.  You’ve lost the beauty you already had.”

“So if that’s
the case, why are you still even in my life?  Why don’t you just leave
like everybody else?”

“Here you go
again, playing the victim.  I know the way your friendships and
relationship ended was painful.  But, did it ever occur to you that
God
took certain people out of your life? Instead of being angry about losing them,
you should be grateful to the Lord that you’ve escaped them.  You’re
harping about everything that people do to harm you, but what do you do to
overcome the situation?  Like your mom, for instance.  When was the
last time you’ve reached out to her?  Do you think you’re acting like a
loving daughter for holding this grudge against her?  It’s been more than
six months!”

“Stop judging
me, Paulo,” Phoenix said weakly.  “First you tear up your house and now
this.  How is that Christian of you?”

Paulo
laughed.  “Oh, I get it.  We only get to be good Christians when we
are doing something you want and telling you things you want to hear. 
When I tell you how special you are and encourage you, I’m the best Christian
since Jesus.  When Cara is telling you how to dress up and look your best,
and giving you free stuff, taking you out for girl time, she’s the Christian
sister you’ve never had.  But when we show our own weaknesses—like my
tantrum earlier— suddenly I’m not real.  I do regret letting myself get to
that point, but I am human.  I made a mistake that I have to speak to God
about.  And now, when I am trying to tell you the truth—even if it
hurts—you want no parts of it, right?  Suddenly I’m not a real Christian? 
Now you want no parts of me?”

“That’s not
what I meant, Paulo.”

“Yes it is,”
Paulo retorted.  “And isn’t that what happened with your friends? 
You blamed them for not helping you, and when they told you the truth about
your part in your situation, you dropped them.  When your mother
disappointed you when you needed support, you dropped her.  When Cara made
a mistake in judgment, you told her off.  When I encourage you to let out
your anger so it doesn’t consume you, you throw my wife’s suicide back in my
face.  When Cedric hurts you and leaves you for another woman, you refuse
to drop him only because you want revenge.  How are you the victim?”

Phoenix was
quiet as she digested his words.

Paulo
continued.  “Look, Phoenix, I love you.  This is the second time I’ve
had to say this in the midst of chaos, but it is what it is.  I might as
well open up to you so you can see what is in my heart.  I love you and
after all this work, you
still
refuse to love yourself.  You don’t
love yourself enough to see yourself clearly.  You can’t see what’s lovely
about you and you can’t see your flaws.  It’s because you keep looking at
what other people are doing and not doing instead of looking at yourself. 
You are not looking at who you really are because you’re not letting God show
you what I am sure He’s been trying to show you for years.  Now I have
been placed in your life and I am not going to lie to you.  If you want to
walk away from me because I’ve come to tell you the truth, I will miss
you.  But one thing I will never do is lie to you.  A man helps a
woman he loves be her best.  You wanted a physical makeover and you got
one.  But God didn’t place me into your life just to exercise your stomach
muscles.   He wanted me to help you exercise your most important
muscle.”

“What?” Phoenix
snapped.  “My brain?”

“No,
Baby.  Your heart.”

His words
exploded all around her and hammered her mind and soul.  She began to
weep.  “You don’t understand.  You’re just trying to make me ashamed
of myself just like everybody else.  You are just trying to make me feel
like I’m nothing, just like everybody else!”

Paulo’s heart
ached at the sight of her weeping on his floor.  Pushing away his own
anger, he got up from his seat and grabbed her hand, pulling her up off the
floor.  He held her and rubbed her back, letting his own tears flow. 

“Phoenix, I
can’t do this anymore.  I can’t keep lecturing you and getting mad at
you.  It’s not me.  I am frustrated because I thought you’d let this
go.  We’re been praying and praying and going to church and reading the
Word, but you’re not willing to let God have His way.  I want to be with
you, but we can’t move forward until you let God into your heart.  And it
can’t be for me or for anyone else.  It’s between you and God.  You
have to decide to let Him in.  He’s the only One that can help you. 
But you have to stop trying to do things your way.”

“But I don’t
know how,” she
weeped
. 

“You can start
by letting me pray again for you right now…and I’ll pray for me too.”

And Paulo
prayed.  He asked God to forgive them both for their behavior and to
cleanse them of behaviors of the flesh that were overcoming them.  He
asked God to intervene in Phoenix’s life and relationships right away so that
more damage would not be done.  He asked God to help him to wait on God
for His plan regarding him and Phoenix to be revealed.

“And Lord, I
ask that you help us to communicate with each other in a loving, healthy
way.  If it is your will, please open up the communication between
us.  At this point, Father, I believe Phoenix and I were designed to be
together, but it seems like that isn’t happening.  I ask you, Lord, to
either put us together or close the door between us.  Still, no matter
what, I beg you Lord to cause Phoenix to return to You.  Not for me and
not for any other purpose other than Your glory.  Thank you, Lord. 
In Jesus Name, we pray, amen.

Paulo led
Phoenix down to his living room and they sat on the couch drained and
confused.  Paulo was sad because he had believed that God had confirmed
that Phoenix would become his wife.  He reminded himself again that
Phoenix had given her life to the Lord several years prior, but had backslidden
due to her desire for a relationship with Cedric.  He knew that Phoenix
already belonged to the Lord and that gave him hope.  He also knew that if
Phoenix did not listen to the Holy Spirit’s call for her return, she could be
lost.  She would be lost to the Kingdom of God and lost to him.

He would not
marry a woman who was unequally yoked. 

And Paulo,
having already fallen in love with Phoenix, was growing weary in the
wait.  It had only been a few months, but he was tired of having his life
placed on hold as she chased a vendetta to exact revenge on her ex.  Paulo
was hurt that she was so focused on the past that she was not willing to let
Cedric go to get to know him, the man who was ready and willing to love her for
all she was and not what she looked like.  He had done all he had been
called to do.  He had continued to pray for her return to the Church and
had helped her become healthy.  He had not asked for this woman to be
placed into his heart.  Now he was struggling with his own faith about
Phoenix and the matter was consuming him.  Clearly his faith was being
tested and he was tired.  He had been through this before, losing a woman
to something he could not help her overcome.  And he didn’t want to do it
again.  He continued to pray silently as they sat there, staring into
space.

Phoenix was
shaken to the core.  She had worked so hard only to be told that she
didn’t look as good as she did before.  Her stomach was flat, at a hundred
fifty-two pounds and she only had ten pounds to go. She wore a size six and was
looking forward to becoming a size four.  Eating healthy, organic meals
had cleared up her skin and given her so much energy.  Her new wardrobe
had made her feel elegant and confident.

And it was all
for nothing.

She had
believed for many years that becoming beautiful would solve all her
problems.  She would have a good man, a better relationship with her
friends who were embarrassed by her, and her mother would finally be proud of
her.  She felt that perhaps she could encourage her mother to join her
when she trained with Paulo to help her mother become healthier and
happier.  Instead, she couldn’t bring herself to speak to her
mother.  Every time she had picked up her phone to call, or had ridden
past her mother’s building on the way to jog with Paulo, she could not force
herself to end their disagreement.  She felt her mother should apologize
to her for treating her the way she had.  She wanted to tell her mother
off for making her feel bad about herself.  Phoenix wanted her mother to
regret telling her that the best she could ever hope for was a cheating spouse.

And Phoenix had
no idea that she would become enemies with friends she’d had since high
school.  It was clear Nicola had chosen Sandra’s side and would not play
the peacemaker.  She wanted to reconcile but only if they apologized to
her for what they’d said.

And now Cara,
the only friend she had left, had caused her to make a fool of herself. 
How could she consider facing her?

And Paulo had
basically just told her she was not beautiful enough to love because her heart
was full of bitterness.