The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (139 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
“That is the memory man,” replies the bartender. “He knows everything there is to know. Has a memory like an elephant.”
“Really?” says Steve.
“Sure,” says the barman. “Why don’t you go and check him out if you don’t believe me?”
So Steve heads over to the native American, thinking that he can make him look foolish by asking him a question about English football. He asks the memory man, “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” comes the swift reply.
Steve can’t believe his ears. He tries again. “Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” replies the memory man.
Steve tries once more. “What was the final score?”
The wise native American replies without hesitating, “Two-one.”
Steve the Scouser is impressed, but is quietly confdent he will catch the memory man out with his final question. “Who scored the winning goal?”
Without blinking, the memory man says, “Ian St John.”
Steve is stunned. When he gets home to Liverpool he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Several years go by and he can never quite get his strange encounter in the Nevada bar out of his head and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Steve finally saves up enough money to return, and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, he is delighted to find the native American living in a cave. Steve steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in the traditional manner.
“How,” says Steve.
The memory man squints at him and replies: “Diving header in the six-yard box.”
Necrophilia. It means never having to say you’re sorry.
What’s the definition of disappointment?
A necrophiliac finding someone buried alive.
Necrophilia. Nature’s way of telling you that your love life has gone stale.
I used to be really into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality, until I realized I was just fogging a dead horse.
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, “You know that woman they brought in last week? They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. I’m telling you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
“What,” the other asks, “green?”
“No,” says the first, “a bit sour.”
Necrophilia: the uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Did you hear about the hypochondriac necrophiliac?
He was so scared of catching something he only has sex with cadavers without removing them from the body bag.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and rape? The body temperature.
Three necrophiliacs get together in a pub to chew the fat over some of the finer points of their perversion. They start talking about the best postmortem time for penetrating the corpse. The first necrophiliac says that he likes to shag the warm dead body moments after death. The other two beg to differ; after all, if the body is still warm, there is not much point even calling it necrophilia, is there?
The second necrophiliac says he likes to wait around for three days after death before copping off with the deceased: “Rigor mortis has set in, and it’s always good to get stiff with a proper stiff.”
The third necrophiliac smiles and says he prefers to wait around three monthis. The other two are amazed and ask him why.
He replies, “That way, I can penetrate the body anywhere I want.”
I used to be a necrophiliac - until some rotten cunt split on me.
Nose-Picking Terms
Deep Salvage Pick:
similar to the type of deep-sea exploration required to find the wreck of the
Titanic
, i.e. you probe deep into your nasal passages.Utensil Pick:
when fingers and even a thumb aren’t enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.Extra Pick:
after digging for nuggets for hours on end, you suddenly hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.Depression Pick:
when the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.Pick a Lot:
abnormal amounts of picking, i.e. anything in the three digit realm is generally considered excessive within a twenty-four-hour time frame.Kiddie Pick:
alone and uninhibited you twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. The best part is there’s no time limit.Camouflaged Kiddie Pick:
like the Kiddie Pick but you have company, so you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.Fake Nose Scratch:
pretend you have an itch but you’re really feeling around the nostril edge for stray bogeys.Making a Meal Out of It:
done furiously and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.Surprise Pickings:
a sneeze or laugh causes snot to fly out of your nose and you have to gracefully wipe it off your clothing.Auto Pick:
done in a car when you think no one’s looking. Can also mean automatic pick, the one you do when you’re not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker during a meeting.Pick Your Brains:
done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far that it passes the septum.Pick and Save:
done very quickly, just when someone looks away. Hopefully you can bide your time and pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you just did.Pick and Flick:
a weapon against others in range around you.Pick and Stick:
intended as a “Pick and Flick”, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.Pipe Cleaner:
you remove a chunk of snot so big it improves your breathing by 90 per cent.