The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (140 page)

Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them. Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, “Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he is doing.”

Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, “Actually, mine does.”

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

A nun went to see her mother superior. “What troubles you, sister?” asked the mother superior. “I thought this was the day you liked to spend with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the sister. “I went to play a round of golf with my brother. As you may recall, I was a very keen golfer before I gave my life to Christ.”

“I do recall that,” agreed mother superior. “So how did your day of relaxation go?”

“Not very well,” said the sister. “In fact, I’m afraid I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness,” gasped the mother superior. “You must tell me all about it, sister!”

“Well,” continued the sister, “my brother and I were on the seventh tee, a 500-yard par five with a tricky dogleg right with bunkers all down the left and a green hidden behind tall trees. Anyway, I hit the drive of my life. It was a beauty. But then a herd of goose few over and the ball hit a bird in mid-fight, about 100 yards from the tee!”

“Oh no!” said mother superior. “How desperately unfortunate! However I’m still not sure that this misfortune was suffcient to make you blaspheme, sister?”

“Oh no, no, that wasn’t it,” said the sister. “When I went for my ball and was trying to figure out what my next shot should be, a squirrel shot out of the woods, picked up my ball and ran off down the fairway!”

“Now that would test even my patience!” agreed mother superior. “But I trust it didn’t make you blaspheme, sister!”

“No, I didn’t, mother superior!” continued the sister. “I was actually wondering whether this might be a sign from God, the ball being much closer to the green and all. Just then, this eagle swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and few off, with my ball still in the squirrel’s paws!”

“Ah, I see! That’s when you took the Lord’s name in vain,” nodded mother superior.

“No, not really, that wasn’t it either,” sobbed the sister. “Just as the hawk started to fy out of sight, the squirrel struggled free and the hawk dropped him right on the green. The ball dropped out of the squirrel’s paws and rolled to within about two feet of the hole!”

Mother superior sat up in her chair, leaned forward and fxed the sister with her hardest stare and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

What goes black white red, black white red?

A nun on her period doing cartwheels.

Two nuns are cycling down the road. One turns to the other, saying, “I’ve never come this way before.”

Her friend replies, “Me neither, it must be the cobblestones.”

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day of their journey, the camel suddenly fell dead from exhaustion. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest considered their predicament. After a prolonged period of silence, the priest said: “Well, sister, I have to say that the situation looks pretty grim.”

“I know, father,” the nun replied. “In fact, I don’t think it is likely that we can survive more than a couple of days.”

“I agree,” said the priest. “Sister, since you and I are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”

“Anything, father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”

“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?”

“Yes, sister?”

“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

“I think, in the circumstances, that would be okay,” the priest replied, unzipping his trousers.

“Father, do you mind if I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

“Is that true, father?”

“Yes it is, sister.”

“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s arse so we can get the fuck out of here?”

What is black and white and screams, “YES! YES! YES!”?

A nun winning at bingo.

A nun hails a taxi and climbs in. At the end of her journey she confesses that she isn’t carrying any money. The driver observes her thoughtfully through the rear-view mirror. “You know, sister,” the taxi driver says, “I hope you aren’t too offended, but I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun.”

The nun thinks for a moment and says, “I’m not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you are single, and two, that you are Catholic.”

“Oh yes, sister, I am single and Catholic,” the driver replies, so the nun proceeds to satisfy the cabbie orally.

After they’re finished, the driver starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” the nun asks.