The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (136 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
A doberman.
“
I was in the shopping centre the other day when I saw six hoodies atacking my mother-in-law. As I stood there and watched, my wife said, “Well, aren’t you going to help?”I replied, “Nope. Six should be enough.”
”
A bloke brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?”
The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?”
The man replies, “My mother-in-law is coming to visit. I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome.”
If your wife and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you had to choose, would you go to the pub or hire a DVD?
There were three morticians swapping stories in the bar. The first one says, “What a day I had today. This guy wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and his head few into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural.”
Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, “You think that’s bad? I had this bloke in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me two days to put all the pieces back together!”
The third mortician just shakes his head. “You guys have it easy. I had this female parachutist whose chute didn’t open. She landed on a flagpole. It took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face.”
A man who had recently died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, bespoke three-piece black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man looks quite smart in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and insists on a blue suit. Handing the mortician a blank cheque, she adds, “I don’t care what it costs, please put my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in an expertly tailored Savile Row blue suit. It fts him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. I don’t care how much this cost.”
To her astonishiment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
“There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, honestly, I must reimburse you for the cost of that blue suit,” she says.
“Honestly, madam,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked good. After that, it was just a matter of swapping heads . . .”
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr Dobing, who was about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Dobing had the biggest penis he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr Dobing,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive schlong. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
“I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“Jesus Christ!” shrieked the wife: “Dobing’s dead?”
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
What has two heads and six legs?
Nirvana.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why did it take Stevie Wonder four years to write “Song In The Key Of Life”?
He dropped his pencil on the first day.
What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?