The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (14 page)

“My, Mr Wolf, what big sticky out ears you have.”

“Yes, my dear,” replied the wolf. “All the better to hear with.”

“My, Mr Wolf, what big flared nostrils you have.”

“Yes, my dear, all the better to smell with,” replied the wolf.

“My, Mr Wolf, what big bulging eyes you have.”

“Yes, my dear, all the better to see with,” replied the wolf.

“My, Mr Wolf, what big teeth you have,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Yes, my dear, all the better to eat with. Now, do you mind? I’m trying to have a shit.”

Two sheep in a field. One says to the other: “BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA.”

The other says: “Fuck, I was going to say that.”

How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?

It only sleeps in snatches.

A baby seal walks into a club . . .

Why do hippos make love underwater?

Have you ever tried keeping a nine-pound clitoris damp?

A married couple are driving along the road one night when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop and the wife gets out, picks it up, and takes it into the car. She says, “Look, it’s shivering, it must be freezing to death. What should I do?”

Her husband replies, “Put it between your legs to keep it warm.”

She asks, “What about the smell?”

He replies: “Hold its nose.”

What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow?

A male whale and his partner were swimming off the coast of Japan when they spotted a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it immediately as the whaling ship that had harpooned and killed his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should make the ship turn over and sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized that the ship’s crew had escaped by jumping overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male whale was furious that they were going to get away and said to his female companion: “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized that the female was reluctant to follow him. “Is there a problem?” he asked her.

“Look,” she replied. “I went along with the blow job, but there’s no way I’m going to swallow the seamen.”

Which animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?

A police horse.

Did you hear about the Anne Frank Museum closing down because of a lack of visitors?

You have to feel sorry for Anne Frank. First she gets her diary published, which is every girl’s worst nightmare, on top of that she doesn’t get to make any money from it, which is every Jew’s worst nightmare.

What’s brown and hides in the attic?