The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (5 page)

Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”

God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. From these two gifts you will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”

“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”

God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”

Why did God create Adam first?

One day God decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He explained to St Peter that he was going to make a human being who was similar to man, yet was different and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. God said he would call this new creation “woman”. So God went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When he had finished creating this being that would now be called woman he summoned St Peter.

“Oh Lord, once again you have done a cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw the woman.

“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied God, looking pleased with himself. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, St Peter. I am thinking of making her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate and more adaptable than man’s.”

“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.

“What about nerve endings? How many should I put in her hands?”

“How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.

“Two hundred,” replied God.

“Then do the same for this woman,” said St Peter.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”

“How many did we put in Adam?”

“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, so I think I will do the same for woman.”

“Nice one,” said St Peter.

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?”

How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.

“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God. “Of course, I wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the same for woman?”

“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St Peter.

“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name.”

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper: “Looking for man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me and is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings.

“Hi,” her visitor announces. “I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?”

“I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”

A man is browsing the small ads in his local paper looking for a pet when he comes across an advert: “Intelligent, adorable golden Labrador – free to a good home.” He calls the number and arranges to see the dog. When he arrives at the house a man lets him in. The man asks the owner “Does the dog have a pedigree?”

The owner replies: “Why don’t you ask him yourself. He’s in the kitchen.”

The man goes into the kitchen and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden Labrador. Feeling a bit silly, he goes along with it and says to the dog: “Do have a pedigree?”

To his amazement, the dog replies. “Yes I have a pedigree. I’m Kennel Club registered and both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts.” The dog continues, “I used to work for Customs and Excise at Heathrow Airport and I’ve been in several films and TV ads.”

His mouth agape, the man turns to the owner. “What an incredible dog. He talks and he’s been a top sniffer dog. I just don’t understand it. Why do you want to give him away?”

“Because”, the owner replies, “I’m sick of his fucking lies.”

An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before. She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I have never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get.”

An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word. After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change. He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.