The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (199 page)

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she starts to become a little anxious. “All of these examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders, “I have no idea, darling. We’re just painting the corridor.”

A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend to play poker. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but the second half of his round-trip ticket. He left the casino and found a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home, but to no avail.

“Sorry pal,” the cabbie said. “If you don’t have fifteen bucks, get the fuck out of my cab!”

The businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and fortunately was able to catch his flight with seconds to spare.

A couple of years later the same businessman returned to Vegas. This time his luck was in and he won a fortune. Feeling pretty good with himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. At the end of a long line of cabs, he suddenly recognized the driver who had refused him a ride when he was on his uppers. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.

“How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.

“Fifteen dollars,” came the reply.

“And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?” he added.

“Get out of my fucking cab!” snarled the driver.

The businessman got into the back of the second cab and repeated the question, with similar results. He went to every cabbie in the long line with the same question.

Eventually he reached his old friend at the back of the line and got in his cab. “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

The businessman replied, “Okay,” and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a huge smile and a thumbs-up sign to all the other drivers . . .

A middle-aged prostitute gets in a taxi and when she arrives at her destination realizes that she can’t pay her fare. So she lifts her skirt and shows her fanny and says: “Can I pay you with this?”

The taxi driver replies: “You got anything smaller?”

An attractive woman gets into a taxi. She says, “To the airport, please.”

After a while the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, “You’re the third pregnant woman I’ve driven to the airport today.”

The woman replies: “You’re mistaken. I’m not pregnant.”

The taxi driver smiles; “Well, you haven’t arrived at the airport yet.”

A man hails a taxi. He climbs in the back and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You remind me of Eric.”

“Excuse me?” says the passenger.

The cabbie says: “Eric Smith. Eric got everything right. For example, like me coming past just when you needed a taxi. That was exactly how it always was with Eric every single time.”

“No one is perfect,” replies the passenger.

“Oh, Eric was,” says the cabbie. “He was a great athlete. He could have been a professional footballer. He was a scratch golfer, he could sing like an opera baritone and he could dance like Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano.”

“Bloody hell,” says the passenger. “Sounds like this Eric was something special.”

“No kidding,” says the cabbie. “He had a memory like a computer, he knew everything there was to know about wine, what food to order and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. He always knew the quickest way to go in traffc and avoid traffc jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them.”

“Wow,” says the passenger.

“And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And he was always well groomed and he wore smart clothes and highly polished shoes.”

“He sounds like an amazing bloke,” says the passenger. “How did you get to know him?”

“Well, I never actually met Eric,” says the cabbie.

“So, how do you know so much about him?”

The cabbie replies, “I married his ex-wife.”

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for a surprise birthday treat. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Phil! Good to see you mate! How are you doing?”

Phil is panic struck. His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“No way,” says Phil quickly. “He’s on my darts team.”

Inside the club, they take a seat and a waitress asks, “The usual, Phil?” and before he can answer swiftly delivers a Guinness. His wife is becoming increasingly suspicious and says, “How did she know that you drink Guinness?”

“She’s in the women’s darts team. Sometimes we share a darts board.”

Then a stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Phil, and says: “Hi Phil. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Phil’s wife grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Phil chases after her and sees her getting into a taxi. Before the taxi drives off, he jumps in beside her and tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She’s going at it hammer and tongs and screaming at him, calling him every name in the book. The taxi driver looks in his mirror and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Phil!”

When I misbehaved at school, the headmaster used to give me “six of the best”. Now that I’m grown up I’m sure I could take the other two inches.

A fourteen-year-old boy comes home from school and his mother asks: “What did you do today?” The boy answers: “Oh the usual, I had a maths test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.”