The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (196 page)

I work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but the bastards talked me out o
f it.

A young woman in London was depressed and decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded in agreement. What did she have to lose? A fresh start in America could give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From that day on, every evening he brought her some sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.

“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to America, and he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” said the captain. “This is the Woolwich ferry.”

I had a friend who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

Did you hear about the suicidal wanker?

He tossed himself off a bridge.

I’ve been saving a fortune lately. Instead of spending a fortune phoning expensive sex lines, I call the Samaritans and say, “Talk dirty or I’ll top myself!”

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour bridge one day, listening to some music in his car, when suddenly he spots his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge. Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, “Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?”

Sheila turns around, with tears welling up in her eyes. “Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don’t want to be a burden, so I’m just gonna kill myself!”

Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. “Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you’re a fucking good sport about it too!”

I phoned the Samaritans the other day and was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they asked me if I could fly a plane.

Suicide bombers. What makes them tick?

What’s the difference between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?

A suicide bomber only goes BOOM.

Two Muslim women are walking down the road with tight-fitting rucksacks, when one says to the other, “Does my bomb look big in this?”

What’s the difference between a Muslim extremist and a packet of Smarties?